Life Without You

There have been so many days lately where we have realized that we will just be spending the rest of our lives without our monkey. Mentally we have known this since he left us but emotionally the sad reality has kept hitting home a lot lately. Hugh and I sat there the other night talking about how it has gone from being a bad dream that we hoped to wake up from to the feeling that he was just a dream. Was he really hear? All of the moments we had just seemed like they were too good to be true. We have now spent more days without him then we had him here in our arms. The very thought of that is just so overwhelming.

My heart still breaks every day when I think of him. For whatever reason the bad memories are just so prevelent these days and the good ones make you cry because you miss them and the life you had before. For Hugh much of this is the same. I'm so greatful that we have one another to lean on through this all because it is the lonliest saddest feeling in the whole world. Hugh has had his own set of tough emotions to handle lately. Father's Day is coming up and I know the dread that I met the day with and how I suffered through every single moment praying for the day to finally end. This year it is going to be especially hard for Hugh since not only have we lost George, he lost his own father in November. My heart breaks for him knowing he feels so very alone and lost. I know the day is going to be twice as hard for him. The worst part is I feel so helpless not knowing how to make it any better for any of us, but especially him.

For whatever reason, there has been this song running through my head the past three days. It is from the movie "My Sister's Keeper" The scene where they are at the beach together as a family before she dies just has always hit home with me. The song that is in it is the one that has played over and over again in my mind. "Feels Like Home" is the name of the song and the words are just so beautiful. Every single time I think of it, it brings me back to the only family trip we ever took George on to Disney. It was kind of like God's way to give our family time with him and wonderful memories with him before he took him to heaven. We had no idea he would be leaving but I am so greatful for the time we had there. I'm still sad that we didn't do everything because we thought we would be able to do it later on a subsequent trip when he was older. Dispite that, it was truly a gift to have had that time with him and my family.

Every day we push forward to find ways to cope and live without him here. Our lives have been so drastically changed and yet it seems like we are just on this continual roller coaster we can't get off of. No one really knows how difficult and lonely this process is until they have walked it and I can honestly say I know that for sure. Prior to George's death I knew many people who had lost a child and never really "got it" dispite the fact I was always a compassionate person. I still find it ironic that many times we happen to find comfort in a stranger. There are no expectations and although they may feel sad for you at first, they always listen with an open ear without saying anything. A stranger has no vested interest or emotions so many times they can be more objective. They tend to not say things that are hurtful and I have to say that sometimes I think that God puts them there just for those moments when we need them. You may never see that person again but at that second God wanted you to know you were not alone.

Yesterday at church, I had a very hard time sitting there listening to the readings. They were about miracles that God had preformed to give children back to their mothers. I remember sitting in the hospital praying for a miracle although God was wispering in my ear that it was not his will. It was so hard to sit there and listen while those passages were read because I know how much I had wanted one that day. So many times I wished I was wrong and prayed that this was not really happening. I of course are happy for those who have had miracles but just wanted one so bad myself that listening to the readings evoked tears I was just unprepared for.

Dispite it all we still move forward trying to live the life we now lead without getting overwhelmed by our grief. Each day brings its own obstacles but I am greatful that dispite the tradgedy, we refuse to let it get the best of us. Hugh is looking for a job every day in hopes to finally be able to get out of the house and have a job that he finds pride in again. I am still having a hard time deciding what to do about my own position. The mental demands are more then I know I can handle and I just don't see it fair to the company yet we really need the money. Part of me just wants to get a part time job doing something like desk work or answering phones to help with bills and help me to take baby steps back to work. I know myself well enough to know what I am capable of and what I am not and for that I am so greatful.

I do find a lot of solice in the fundraisers I am working on and the upcoming in service at the hospital. It is sort of a way to keep George's memory alive while doing good for others. If only I could get paid to do this sort of work, that would be ideal, but I know it is unrealistic and don't care if I don't get a dime because I have a passion for it and that is what matters in the end. Sometimes the feeling of doing good is worth more than all the money in the world. Sometimes we don't have to change the world in a big way, sometimes it is the little things that make the difference. We will do all that we can to make a bad situation have something good come out of it rather then letting it get the best of us. We are thankful for God's grace and love because we know in the end we would not be able to do any of this without that.