Please Tell My Little Boy

Lord I wanted to hold my little one on my lap and tell him all about
you. But since I never had the chance, Will you please hold him on your
lap and tell him all about me? ♥

It is so hard to loose a child and wonder about all those moments you will miss in your life with them. For me one of the biggest has always been teaching my boys about God. Every night my boys do the sign of the cross and say "Father, Son, Holy Spirit" before they go to sleep. It is always adorable because they don't always do the sign right nor do they say the words completely right. I know however that God knows what they mean and these are just the beginning steps for them to take towards choosing Christianity for themselves. There is no greater gift to give them then the tools to choose Christ as their savior.

I don't think many parents realize the impact that they can have on their child's desire to know God and Jesus in an intimate way. For me that was not an easy path. I had gone to church and CCD growing up but truly knew nothing about the bible or why we did the rituals we did. I was raised Catholic and even when I asked questions as a child I was just told we do it because that is what we do. Many family remembers I had prayed or would mention God or Jesus but either due to my personal misconception or the modles I had in terms of faith, I just didn't get it. So many times I watched strangers with this sort of faith that I just could not fathom and a personal relationship with God that I just could not grasp.

It was only when my world fell appart after Richard's father was arrested that I began to seak the truth and find out where my faith truly was. You can say that you believe in God and Jesus but "really" doing that is completley different and it took much soul searching to truly understand that. I watched as those around me were talked about for bad choices they made and it seemed as if they were bad people. Somewhere along the line I thought I had to be perfect and not make mistakes to be loved and that good deeds got you into heaven and I was surely going to hell because I was none of those things. Only in some of the darkest moments of my life did I truly understand that even though others here expect things from you, God doesn't...he takes you as you are...broken. He just asks that you know him in a personal manner and recognize his sacrifice for you...his only son. That is it!

For me that moment did not come in a "wow" moment that you hear of from many people. Mine came as I was working a part time job to make ends meet as a single parent supporting a man in prison! It came through a book I was reading in the silence of a Walmart eye center. That was also when I realized that sometimes God does not move mountains to get your attention, sometimes he just wispers and you have to pay attention for that call to know him. I think of all the years I felt so lost and a looser and how very painful it was to seek acceptance from those around me aimlessly knowing that it was never really possible. Part of me knows that in my desperation that is why I became pregnant at 19 and unmarried. I wanted approval from somewhere and I was going to take it from wherever it came even if it was the wrong kind of love and approval. Looking back now I can say that without hesitations but at the time I was just so lost I could not see it. I regret much of that part of my life but know that I cannot change it, I can only learn from it and pray that others learn from my experience.

I had to learn to love myself and know that even when the world may not understand that there is always one that does...God. You will find if you know me I do not profess to know the bible and never will push my views on a person. My faith is simply stated and if you ask I will elaborate but if not, I don't go into it much with you. Sometimes I believe you can turn people away by being to pushy and I know for me that was a big factor as to why I had a hard time coming into my faith. My one uncle was extremely pushy and sometimes still can be...my mother would always tell me to pray about things and I just hated to hear that. In my oppinion I learned that prayer is not always the answer to things.

I have found that I no longer pray for specific things in life, I just pray for God's will and trust that he knows best even when I don't understand. Faith is all about putting your life in his hands and knowing he loves you enough to do what is best for you. That doesn't mean he is going to do what you want but rather what you need. I used to think that God just never listened or answered my prayers when things just were not going right and had times where I was told I didn't pray specifically enough or some other insane excuse! It took me a long time to just realize that God doesn't work that way.

I don't pray to saints or people who have gone before me unless I feel a need to talk to them directly for a personal reason that has nothing to do with God or the needs in my life. I think I always had an issue with that and that was probably why growing up I was against confession and told a priest that I thought it was created by some nosy priest who had nothing better to do in his life. Now I realize that some people need confession to unburden their souls and be able to survive in this very difficult world. I however believe you can confess to anyone, not just someone ordained and that counts, being ordained doesn't make you God! We are all part of God's church...a church is not a building...another thing that took me a long time to realize. I don't have to go every Sunday to have faith and do what God asks of me.

One of the hardest things for me to accept with George's passing was that he was never baptized while alive. Logically I know that it makes no difference but in my heart it saddenes me greatly to not have done that. I kind of feel it is my job as their mom to do that sort of thing and introduce them to God in that way and to start their journey to heaven in that manner. I remember asking my aunt to be his Godmother and she was very reluctant at first because she felt unworthy to do the job. We had a long conversation where I explained to her that I chose her because her faith was very much like mine and that if anything were to ever happen to me that I knew she would give him insight to the faith I personally have. We both grieved through the use of music and understood God's powers and his use in our lives. We also recognized our imperfections, had our regrets, but knew that dispite that God loved us. I regret with so much of my being not getting him baptized in November when I had wanted to dispite the fact that I know I cannot change that now.

One thing it did teach me was to do what I need to do rather then what others want me to do. Through his loss I have found much personal strenght and finally realized that I need to do what I feel is right rather then to try and make others happy and the continual seeking for their approval. I don't need that anymore and will do what I feel is right and what God wants me to do rather then listen to those around me who do not understnd my heart the way the Lord dose. There has been this closeness to him I have come to know in an even more intimate way because I know if no one else unerstands my pain he does because he lost his son too. He will not try and convice me otherwise or tell me my pain is the same as someone elses because it is not, it is unique to me and I am allowed that and I will never be ashamed for my feelings or allow someone else to make me feel guity for how I truly feel. It is ok to agree to disagree, I don't have to answer to them someday. Right or wrong, God understands.

Hugh and I have both had our battles to get to where we are in our faith. We both hold regrets in our lives and even having to do with our road to get here. It may sound odd but I know I find some solice in the fact that when I was pregnant with George Mother Powell blessed my belly where he was growing. It was kind of me knowing that God knew him then and that was sort of his baptism...there was pleanty of water there:o) It was a personal more private one between, God, myself, and my little boy. George was baptised in the hospital after he was pronounced by some stranger surrounded by nurses who cared for him but didn't know him. Hugh and I wanted it done but really still don't find much solice in that, I find more comfort in the fact that I blessed him that night when I put him to bed and that I gave him to God way before he was born.

It was kind of like then, I was handing him over to God without really knowing only a few months later God would be holding him telling him about us rather then the other way around. The one thing I do pray to God about is that he tells my little boy all about us and how much he was loved and how much he is missed. I always thought it would be the other way around. Hugh and I do plan on asking to have the new baby baptised soon after it is born even if it is no big thing with just us and the ministers.

Mother Powell has already blessed the baby in church just like she did with George so I do find some comfort in that. The day that it happened I sat there in tears without anyone really knowing the significance of that moment for me personally. I cannot tell you what it is like for a mother to hand her child over to God in such a big way especially after one child has already gone to heaven, there is just such a greater meaning behind it that very few will ever truly understnad. I am posting a song that has always been so dear to my heart because of the meaning but now has taken on a whole new meaning and understand. The respect I have for Mary is just so much greater then ever before. Hugh and I actually preformed this song at Easter, I cannot tell you the feeling that came with doing that.

Dear Lord,
Please watch over us and continue to give us the peace that we are blessed with every day knowing our son is in your care. We know you had bigger plans for him and for us and we put our lives in your hands and ask that you use them for your glory at your will. We do not understand and although we may hope to someday have insight we trust that you are doing what is best for us and your greater plan for this world. May your love and work show in all that we do. Please hug and kiss our little boy for us every single day and hold him in your lap from time to time to let him know how much we love him and miss him. Please tell him about us and how much we love you and that because of that we will be with him again in your kingdom but please let him know we still have a job to do and will be there as soon as we can to be with him to hold him again and give him the love we have in our hearts for him for the rest of eternity! Until that day we will continue to praise you and know that Jesus died for our sins and we put our lives in your hands.

Amen