Alone

After all the chaos of the fundraiser, the stress from the issues I am having with unemployment with bills piling up until they get their act together, helping the boys and my husband cope, and trying to cope myself I am just exhausted. I don't have it in me to hold meaningless conversations or keep small talk going. I've had people get mad at me for this but there is not much I can do about it everything I have is just being taken by all the rest of the things in life right now. Having to celebrate George's birthday without him was just so very hard and not many people will understand that.

Every single part of me wants to just shut the world out and be alone. I'm tired of having to explain things to people and try to keep it all together so that I can put my happy face on. If I am asked what is wrong one more time I think I will loose it...it is ok to be sad, my son is dead. I can't be happy all the time. Not to mention our world just keeps seeming to get harder and harder to deal with, with more and more obstacles thrown our way. We know that it will all work out in the end but I just don't want to have to explain it to anyone and relive the terrible moments over and over again.

Every single time I think it is bad I think of Job though. I know that if he could lose everything and still survive we can do it too. Both Hugh and I know that right now God wants us to be patient and that things will work out in his time. That is not to say it is easy and that we both haven't had our moments where we want to just fall apart. I am so grateful we have on another for moments like the ones the two of us have had over the past few days. All that we are going through and feeling are completely normal for what we have been through.

The kids have been talking more about George lately as they too learn to try and live without him here. Richard starts a group counseling next week with the people who held the local grief camp. His guidance counselor and teachers are now all aware of his situation and his counselor already spoke with him. With the added stress of a new school I just wanted to make sure he had some outlets to speak with others like him. Josh and Michael both have had their moments but unfortunately there are no programs for children their age so Hugh and I are left to try and help them cope with this all which itself is a challenge when we are still trying to cope ourselves.

We are planning to take things easy the next few months until the baby comes. There are a few things planned but I am hoping for no surprises and just to stay low key to give us all time to ourselves that we need. Both Hugh and I have learned to be independent from those around us but to be dependent on God. It surely comes hard for those who were used to the way we were before George died but I just feel God wants us to be somewhere else right now. I don't know where that is but I have learned not to doubt his callings for our lives and as hard as it is, it is all something we need to do right now.

Life will never be the same for us but that doesn't mean it has to be bad...it just means it will be different. Sometimes getting there just isn't easy but we have faith even when those around us don't understand or pass judgment we know they are not walking our shoes so they will not understand even if we were to be able to explain it to them, which we just can't. This is just something that you don't understand until you have been in the thick of it. I can say that from experience since I watched so many around me loose their children and thought I understood it but boy I surely didn't.

This whole thing is something you can never wrap your head around until it happens to you and even then, it is so foreign and just exhausting in every way possible. The times it becomes overwhelming are the times you just want to be alone so that you don't have to explain yourself or pretend to be someone you just aren't. Ironically even when there are people around you, you feel alone, all of these things are just par the course as I have been told from many others who have walked this path. I'm so grateful for those who have been put in our lives to help us through this but we both know that no one can fix it and that we need to rely on our faith to see us through the moments like these.