Just a Bad Day

Today was just one of those days...a very hard one for both Hugh and I for very different but similar reasons. By the end of this month all of George's things will have found new homes. We are finally down to the last few and today we gave his most used things, his bouncy seat, swing, and play mat to a young teenage mom who is due any day with her first baby. These items were new when George used them since Michael's had seen their day after the multiple uses. Hugh and I both could not see ourselves using these items again for many reasons but wanted them to be put to good use since they were special. Today they were picked up and I cannot tell you how very hard it was to realize there is very little left of our beautiful boy. His clothes are headed to Ecuador this week and the only thing left is his car seat/stroller and his crib. Those will be given to the church for their yard sale on the 15th.

I cannot tell you how very hard it is to give your child's things away. In some ways it is like loosing them all over again. It has been extremely difficult to do but something we know we had to do. Logically we could not see them wasting away collecting dust since they would never be used again. They were not intended for that purpose and we just couldn't do that either. It was in some ways as difficult as it was for us to bury his ashes in our church's memorial garden. I cannot tell you how very difficult it was for me to pour my son's ashes into a cold dark dirt hole but I could not let anyone else do it either...it was my job as his mom to walk him that last mile. We of course still have some of his ashes here but that is just something that is so very difficult to do and I can't even explain it.

After that, we went to Costco to get Joshua's meds. I checked our bank account before we left to see if I had to wait until the end of the week to do food shopping or if I could get them while we were already there. According to it we had enough for me to shop...at least that was what I thought. Hugh and I went and grabbed the things we needed for the next few weeks only to get to the counter and have it declined. I was completely baffled and Hugh and I were both mortified. He called the bank to only find out that when I had checked they had not applied things from the weekend and I had forgotten about two scheduled payments.

I took Michael out to the car as Hugh grabbed the few things we definitely needed and left the things we could wait on. He got in the car and the two of us just cried. I think all that we have endured over the past year had just really caught up to us both. I felt stupid for forgetting yet again and he felt bad because of his unemployment situation and mine. His unemployment runs out in 2 weeks and mine still has not been rectified since the guy who was suppose to do it called out sick and it got pushed back yet another 4 weeks. It isn't that we don't have food in the house or have had things turned off(other than once for the cable because I forgot to pay the bill yet again) Of course we have not been able to pay the mortgage for 3 months and almost 4 but once the other stuff is situated it will all be fine. Right now it is getting to that point.

I think both of us are just sick of being dumped on. Wasn't loosing our son enough? No, one thing after another has been an issue for us and we cannot seem to catch a break. Of course there are plenty of people out there who feel we have made poor decisions to get us here but like I told Hugh they never walked our shoes so they don't know the story behind all of it. How is it that people you are close to tend to be the most judgmental yet also the ones who don't really get it or know all the details just because you don't want to get into it. Of course people have told us to go apply for food stamps and all sorts of other programs but they don't understand the system because they themselves have never been in it. First of all the minute my unemployment goes through we will be dropped and could even have to pay it all back!!! Second they have no idea how much of a health risk these places pose to our boys health...I am not willing to risk my children's lives for public assistance that will be revoked a few weeks from now.

We are not the kind of people that have savings because the government will not allow us to have them if our boys get medical benefits and they need that more than anything. No one understands this all and how it works or how it takes months to even get this sort of thing. Yes for some people they are in and out with no questions but that is not our luck or situation and Hugh and I refuse to lie on applications. I would not want my children to do that and refuse to compromise who we are in order to qualify for this garbage! WIC wants me to prick my children just for their stupid books and I refuse to subject them to that when they are tortured enough for medical purposes not to mention again the health risks. I know often they are trying to give us a solution but we have already weighed all the risks and options out there, we are aware of them all and to have to have these things thrown at us and have to explain it just adds more stress to our plates and frustration that we are in this situation by no fault of our own. Bad stuff happens to good people for no reason and that is just our lot in life unfortunately.

The possibility that things could get worse is definitely a possibility but we will have to cross that bridge when we come to it. We would absolutely go out of our minds if we play the what if game. For now we just have to give it to God and trust he is walking with us. I don't profess to even understand what he is thinking and God if I hear one more time that he only gives us what we can handle I will scream. The people that say that are the ones not living this hell we live every single day of our lives. Yes I know there are others who are in worse shape and a good chunk of America is much like our family but for us it is bad and we are allowed to be upset and sad about it even if we can't fix it right now. I think for us it is more a why do we have to endure this on top of what we have already endured wasn't saying goodbye to our son enough?

Hugh is hoping to go back to Sears but has to get a hold of the person he knows up there and has not had much success at this yet. I am looking for an office job but being pregnant makes people not hire you. I cannot return to work at my old position even though the company would hire me back. Mentally I just cannot do the work. I think I am even more incapable to do it now than I was a few weeks ago or even months ago. People don't seem to realize that my son died in my house and I was working rather than going into his room to pick him up. There is a part of myself that I need to forgive for that but working from home in that sort of environment will just be more difficult than ever before and I can't do that right now. Sometimes there is a point where your sanity is more important than money. I also want to be able to return to the position when and if I am capable of doing so again so I do not want to get fired and made ineligible for rehire.

This has just been one of those days, weeks, months, years for us. I think we are just generally frustrated right now that the good guy doesn't always come out on top. We are such giving people who do so much for others and give without expecting anything in return but that does not make us human and wonder why we are handed so much at one time or wonder when the bad stuff will stop being thrown at us from every angle. It is frustrating to sit back and watch those who lie, cheat, and steal get things and not struggle while we do. That makes us human and we are allowed these moments.

We also go to another funeral this coming Wednesday for a woman that was like Hugh's grandmother to him. I think between Hugh and I we have lost almost 10 people we know just this year alone! It seems as if every single time we turn around there is another funeral for someone. There have just been so many losses over the past few years but this year especially. I'm grateful we have one another and could not imagine enduring this without him for we both know that no matter what happens we have our kids and one another and with our strong faith the stronghold of our family anything is possible. These trials are temporary and we are so grateful to be able to see that although it doesn't make it easy. Money does not make people happy! The sermon at church this weekend was about just that. Richard even went to Camden to serve the homeless on Sunday and truly put things into perspective for him too. God does not promise easy, he only promises to walk with us through the storm...we are just going to have to learn to dance in the rain...no matter how difficult that really is and to just put our faith that God provides and that things will eventually work themselves out eventually(although I am sure we will have our moments of stress like today). I guess that is what faith is all about!