Milestones

It seems as if every day is a milestone of some sort. Tomorrow George will have been gone for 8 months but it seems as if it was just yesterday we were holding him. 8 months ago he was still alive and we were holding him and playing with him. Tomorrow not only marks 8 months for him but also a year for my nephew Gavin. My sister and her husband never got to meet him or hold their precious little boy. He was born straight into heaven but still remains in our hearts.

I often would like to think our two boys are up in heaven waiting for us to come back to be with them. Every part of me remembers the day my sister and her husband found out that their son suffered from a rare disorder Pentology of Cantrell and that there was little hope he would survive. This is such a horrible thing to have to be told and live through and no matter what people say you have lost the hope of a dream you had for your life and your child. I remember going to her house and talking to her and calling CHOP to talk to the best docs who could give them a better idea as to what to expect. God had bigger plans for this sweet little boy and took him to heaven. Although life has moved on he will always be a part of their lives and although many other people may forget, I never will because I know how much of a part George played in my sister's life during those torturous following months. I remember her holding George and asking him to tell Gavin how much she loved him and the private moments that George and my sister shared.

I am posting a picture that I found that just reminded me of our two boys in heaven. These teddy bears are sold over in Europe but not here in the USA. I saw them years ago when I went there on a trip to visit my friend Andrea in Germany. For whatever reason they have touched my heart and remind me of my little boy, this picture in particular reminds me of both of them and I felt this was the ideal time to post it since they both have met another tragic milestone. My nephew's name was Gavin and I will forever hold him in my heart even though I never got the chance to meet him in person. He is now a big brother watching over his little sister Mallory who was recently born to my sister and her husband. I cannot wait until I get to be with both boys again someday.

So many times people happen to say "God only gives you what you can handle" I know often times it is their attempt to try and make you feel better and that they mean well but every time I hear it, I cringe. For the life of me I could not figure out why. It finally hit me why it is that I have such a hard time. It makes me feel as if somehow I am letting God down by not being able to feel capable of handling the tasks before me. I realized that God does not choose for these things to happen to us but rather promises to never leave us alone to walk the tragedy and struggles set before us.

This thought gives you the ability to not have to be strong and feel as if you are failing in your struggles. I find that God often ministers to us during these moments of weakness the most when we cannot take another step on our own. We are not meant to "handle" this things alone and when we try to, we ultimately are set up to fail and have even more trouble than we would if we were to just say I cannot do this alone. I am not a failure for admitting I can't do this or I don't know how to do this. It is ok to cry and be sad and loose control of your emotions.

Often I find myself crying alone in my bed at night. However, those are the times I picture my head rested in his lap and he strokes my head just letting me know that he is there and that he will be strong for me and it is ok to be weak. I can be myself and not feel guilty. That very phrase just sets anyone up to feel that they have to carry the burden alone and that even God expects them to have it together. Or it makes you wonder what in the world God is thinking when you feel so incompetent to handle something you just don't understand or know how to handle.

I'll be honest, I feel so lots often not knowing how to handle the loss of my son. There are no right or wrongs with this so it is very hard. Often times those around me don't understand and want me to tell them what to do or how to help but I don't know myself so I can't say and feel lost at times. It is so confusing and often times seems to require more of me than I have to give sometimes. Learning my limits has been hard for me and also others I am sure who were used to me doing so much more than I am capable of now. I'm also trying to ignore others and their judgments of how we are handling things and know that they are just ignorant to this process and really don't know that things are always as they seem to outsiders. I find that the milestones are the days that tend to be the days that are a challenge and when people try to help my imparting these sorts of phrases that actually do not help but can actually be hurtful without realizing it. Please keep us all in your prayers tomorrow and please also include my sister and her family as they remember their son that they will have to wait to meet.