Well, just like most of the nights before, tonight I was having a hard time sleeping and just missing you terribly. I lit my candles last night and just stood there for a while thinking about how sad it was that this was my life and would remain it until I am with you again. I will only be allowed to hold your memories and have to find a way to celebrate things with you in heaven and I don't really know how to or even want to for that matter. I am left with just ashes of what you used to be and am left to celebrate with a cold marble urn on a mantle rather than with your chubby little hands hugging me and beautiful smile. Never would I wish this on my worst enemy.
To take my mind off of things I logged on to Facebook and found a post from another mom who is trying to get Halo sleep sacks together for her local hospital. I had seen the postings before but other than that had not gone much further other than to like her page. The logo she uses for this charity is a monkey drawing! It was always hard for me to just look at that logo cause it made me think of you so I just assumed she too had known what it was to loose a child to SIDS. The title of her organization is project Gavin...something that I just found ironic too since you have now met your cousin Gavin up there in heaven. This morning I took the time to go to her page and actually read it. Much to my surprise her son was alive and well!
There was however something that touched my heart in a way that nothing has thus far. She actually almost lost him to what her docs told her would have been labled as SIDS! He had horrible reflux just like you did. So much of his story just reminded me of yours. Fortunately for their family Gavin was on monitors when having a reflux issue where his heart had stopped and his mommy was able to save him by giving him CPR right away. What I would have given to have been able to do that for you! I have no idea how long you were gone before we found you and I was able to start CPR.
I remember asking for a monitor because I knew something was wrong. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't push harder for answers while you were alive... I will always wonder if you would have been here if only I had. Now I will never have answers and just be left with many what if's or if I had only's. Logically I know better and that I was a good mommy and did my best but I guess it just wasn't good enough. Somewhere in all of this, not having answers is one of the hardest things to deal with and when there are none you tend to blame yourself even if it was out of your control. I know God had bigger plans but they weren't mine and he left me no answers so it just makes missing you and the fact you are gone just so much harder to handle.
These past few years have just been such a horrible roller coaster with this year being the worst of all. Last year this time you were here and I could hold you even though life was difficult you just seemed to be the light in it all. Your smile could change the world and a bad mood in an instant! We were just so very connected and I miss having that. It was something I never had before and to have known it and then have it taken away was like having part of me taken away. I really try to not think that way or feel that way but often times there is no escaping it. I really try hard to keep it together when all I want to do is just fall apart but that is not an option for me.
Now a days just the thought of you or speaking your name brings tears to my eyes. Often times others feel awkward when I do or just are so sad themselves and I can just feel it. No matter how much I want to cry I still feel compelled to talk about you and do things for you even though you are not here and it is difficult to do so. I know you are gone. Many parents find comfort in visiting their children's grave and I really thought having your ashes here at home would be of some comfort. Somehow nothing brings me comfort and I don't ever feel as if I am any closer to you where some of your ashes are at church, here at home, or even with the necklace I wear every day. Maybe it is because I know where you are and I know it isn't here. I know you are with God so although I rejoice for you my heart cries for myself and the pain I carry every day that I am not with you. The song Homesick by Mercy Me just speaks to my heart on so many levels, especially lately.
I still cherish the small things and thank God for the gift of your life. When your little sister is here I will be sure to tell her all about you. I'm scared for her and for our family. I pray every night and every time that she moves in my belly that God does not want her in heaven too, well at least not until I have already been able to be with you again. I often wonder if you did not get to meet her before she came to be with us. I'm not really sure if we all start in heaven and just return or exactly how that works. No matter how it works, you will get to know her some day if you don't already and there will be a day when we will all be a family again and not be left with part of us missing. That will be such a glorious day! I think of the song "I Can Only Imagine" and the very thought of it just brings me so much joy among the sorrow since I now we will some day be together again. The true meaning of God's grace is so prevalent when I think of his sacrifice that made it possible for that to be true.
Until that day comes, just know I miss you and always will. I will continue here until I have fulfilled my purpose. God still has much for me to do and enjoy here on Earth, my lessons or the lessons he wants others to know through me are just not done yet. I look forward to the many blessings he has in store and the challenges that he has for me to overcome. Each moment is just one more closer to being with you again someday. The one thing I do not fear anymore is dying and I cannot thank you for that gift enough! Only God knows how long that it will be but I am sure it will only seem like moments for you and God but for me here living hell on Earth, it seems like forever! The good thing is that I know it is temporary and that God walks with me through it all. That alone is a huge gift that I am so grateful for.
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