We are really just trudging through the days right now. So much of our lives are up in the air and bring so much anxiety and worry that if we thought about them on top of coping with George's loss, we would surely go out of our minds. Today I sat down with Hugh and the two of us put in about 20+ job applications. The very thought that we will have to live on $500 for lord knows how long just becomes overwhelming. Anytime I start to think about it I have to just tell myself that I cannot change where we are right now so I just try not to think about it.
We spoke with a lawyer and he told us that we have at least a year before they could foreclose on our house. We are really only in the very beginning of it all but hopefully Hugh will have a job so we can file bankruptcy in order to save the house. We will be allowed to make the backed payments at that point in time so although it will ruin our credit(it already is) it should all be ok in the end...right now it is just being patient, trying to find him a job, and trying not to worry in the mean time/avoid the phone.
Ironically, at the lawers office, he turned to us and looked at us and asked us why we were having another baby. I am sure that is just about the thought of a good portion of the people we know. They look at our current situation and think we are reckless and shouldn't be having another child. First of all I told him we had the same number of children a few months ago. Secondly, seven months ago we were not in this situation. Hugh did not have a job but he still had unemployment coming in and I was suppose to have mine situated by now or I felt I would be back to work by now. Instead, he still has had issues finding a job and exhausted his benefits(like many Americans right now) and I have been fighting with unemployment for over 3 months now! None of this was part of the plan 7 months ago...how were we suppose to know?!?...but then again we should always expect difficulty in our lives no matter what we do, we are just the people that life happens to.
Never would we trade any of our children, Gabrielle included, for a temporary bad situation. This is when faith truly comes into play more than ever. I think the worst is that you find judgmental people, friends, family, and strangers, who just don't get it but feel they have the right to pass judgment. It is so frustrating and adds more problems to our already filled plate. Sadly they don't get it and find some right to throw stones without knowing any part of the situation at all...this lawyer just proved that very thing.
No one will ever know the emotional torment and stress that comes with the loss of a child unless they have lived it themselves, especially in a manner such as this. Being realistic and knowing I cannot work at my old job is not being weak on my part it is being honest and actually being strong enough to say I can't do it. Saying I don't know when I will be able to is giving myself the time to cope. I am so sick of society thinking that we need to be strong. If we wake up and the morning and make it through the day without loosing it than that is being strong. We have to find a way to live with the horrible feelings and memories we will carry for the rest of our lives. We don't get to leave or forget or can ignore this nightmare we now call our lives while everyone else can continue on with theirs. There are days we are lucky we remember to eat or just do the simple things. You cannot immagine the amount of energy required to just say alive right now...there is so much emotional/life stress coming at us from all angles just to breath is a task in its own right.
The only way to explain how we live right now is by saying we are surviving. Every single day seems like an eternity and we are just grateful to make it through in tact with nothing crazy happening.
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