Well, we have just realized that in just about 2 and a half months Gabrielle will be here. I don't know where the time went but the very thought has become quite overwhelming on so many levels. Much of this has all seemed as if it is just a dream and that someday I will wake up from it all. I know that isn't true but that is how it truly feels at times.
Almost all of George's things have found new homes and a greater purpose here on Earth. We were blessed with the strength to seek out ways for his life to still have meaning even though it was one of the hardest things to do. His clothes found their way to babies in need in Ecuador. The bigger items have been given to a teenage mom who just had a little girl and is finding the trials/joys of being a mother. We were grateful to be able to find a way to make good of this tragedy in our lives. I've come to live by the phrase I thought of a while back..."Creating something good from something tragic makes the tragedy an inspiration!" I hope that this has inspired others to take the time and think of others among their daily lives and when you think you have nothing left to give of yourself realize that God has a greater plan and there is always someone you can help no matter where you are in life.
That being said, we have a lot of things to get for the little girl on the way. Fortunately a family from our church was kind enough to give us some clothes and a diaper bag for her. They said they have other items that we can have so I really have to work on finding out what they have so we know what we need to get. She has a non toxic crib but I desperately need to get her a mattress but the nontoxic ones made by Naturepedic run close to $300+! I also want to get a monitor that is called a snooza halo(sp) that another mom who lost her child to SIDS now uses for her child she was blessed with after her loss. I know Hugh and I are going to be basket cases once she is here especially once we get close to the same age that George was. I am even having a hard time looking at clothing past that age without having some very odd feelings I never had before. We just cannot be left with the worries and if something were to happen the personal guilt that comes with not having these items in place.
It is so hard to be happy and terribly sad all at once. Knowing that Gabrielle would more than likely not be here if George was alive is such an odd and difficult feeling. The fact that she is a girl is good in some ways but in others it is like we are betraying George. I remember the disappointment we felt when we found we were having another boy and some sort of guilt now plays in with him being gone and than having a girl. We never would trade any of our children yet somehow that is what it seems as if we are doing. Logically it makes no sense but that doesn't fix the emotional part of it all.
As excited as we are there is just as much anxiety and fear. I've tried to really get into this but have such a hard time since I feel so many other sad and overwhelming feelings not knowing how to feel. There has been nothing I have done that has made this all seem real yet. Putting together a registry and looking at girl stuff is just overwhelming. To walk in her room and see it just doesn't seem real. I also think of the day she will join our family and how very overwhelming that day will be on so many levels. I want her to know we love her and wanted her despite what happened to her brother but somehow I know he will not be far from our thoughts.
I always pictured him being a big brother some day. It saddens me to know he won't be here to form a relationship with Gabrielle. The only memories she will have of him are our memories of him. That is sad to me and I am struggling trying to figure out how to make him part of her life even though she never really knew him. Never did I anticipate these sorts of emotions but after talking to other mom's I have found that it is completely normal. That doesn't make any of it easier but at least I know I am not going crazy!
The other day I got a call from the docs office saying that they scheduled my csection for Dec 30, 2010 since they cannot schedule things any sooner now due to some recent studies. I know she is not going to make it to that day, I am only hoping that she allows me to be home for the holiday. I don't know what I am going to do with the holiday because of the unpredictability of the situation. I really hope she his here to share Christmas with the family. Anxiety about it all of course looms in the back of my mind but I know I have no control over it and keep telling myself it will all work out ok.
So much of this is so surreal for all of us even though we do a little each day to get ready for her arrival. I know George is watching from heaven but that does not make it any easier and I just pray that God helps us with all of it.
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