Remembering

I am sitting her watching your little sister move and groove. It makes me think of when you did the same thing and how you were safe and sound and still alive. I miss those times that we had where I got to know you before anyone else did. Every part of me wishes I had that back. I'm so very lost right now. It seems as if everything is just falling apart around us. I don't know where we will be in a few months from now or even a year or two from now. As time goes on things seem to get worse. Things just seem to keep spiraling out of control and there is nothing I can do about any of it. I just don't understand why God has to keep challenging us. I keep telling myself that life is not a snapshot(great line from a song)!

Loosing you was the worst thing that could happen but to have things added on top of that is just becoming to be harder and harder to handle. I'm trying to keep it all in perspective but with each challenge I find it harder and harder to do. Trying to keep up on bills was hard, now we are faced with loosing all income, we have gotten letters saying that the mortgage company wants money we can't come up with or they are going to start taking things to court, add on the stress of normal life not to mention all the other daily garbage and I am surprised I am not in the nut house by now. I want to bring your little sister here to our home where I feel closest to you yet am afraid that it may not be possible. I keep trying to keep holding to my faith and I know it is there, I just don't know why it is that we have to go through this.

I've been filled with so many mixed emotions not knowing what to do or where to go and finding obstacles in every single direction. I just don't get it or even know how to get out of it all. In the very fiber of my being, I know all of this is not a lesson for me and that there is nothing I can do about any of it. I have this heavy feeling that I need to just remain faithful no matter what happens but that is so very hard for me. Learning that I cannot fix everything and can't do everything for everyone is such a very hard lesson for me to learn and own up to. I'm the kind of person who will find a way out of just every single situation but I'm drawing a blank here. So many people offer suggestions but many are unrealistic or just won't work out for many reasons that they don't necessarily understand. Although we appreciate their thoughts it is hard to not feel like a failure and have to relive the horrible feelings we have over and over again to just try and explain it. For some reason I have a feeling God is just teaching me patience and how to listen to his calling in my life. That doesn't mean I understand any of it.

Every single part of me wants to crawl in bed and forget the rest of the world exists right now but I know that won't fix any of this. I want to go back to the time when you were safe and alive and life was tough but didn't seem impossible. I know I cannot change any of this and I wish I could with all of my being. At night when your little sister is moving around, I talk to her and tell her how much I miss you and how awesome you were. I wish she would have gotten to know you on her own. It saddens me to think the only way she will know you is through our memories. I pray that God tells you about us and how much we love and miss you.

I know this is a lot to ask a little boy but please stay close and let us know you are with us. Heaven seems so far away and the time we have already been apart seems like an eternity so the thought of more days without you just seems unfathomable. I love you so much and miss you more than you will ever know and I cannot wait until I get to be with you again someday. That will hopefully be a long time from now know every single day I miss you more and know the day we are reunited will be one of the most glorious days ever. For now I will be your mommy from a distance and a mommy to your brothers and sister for as long as God will allow for I know that is what he wants me to do right now and is his calling for me at this point in time. I will hold tight to the good memories I have and thank God for them because as much as this hurts and I miss you it was all worth it to have known you and get to be your mommy. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, you will always be a part of me.