Dear God

Dear God,

I don't know exactly how to put this but I have felt the need to sit down and write you a letter. It may seem absurd to many but often times I feel better once I have gotten things off of my chest and stop hashing them out in my head. I know you know this since you are the very person I turn to when things seem so out of control and I feel lost and also during times of great joy.

In January you took my little monkey to heave to be with you. For the life of me I just don't understand it or even know what to say to you at times other than that I trust you but that I am so very lost. I know you happen to see the bigger picture but for me right now all I can see is the snapshot of my life and it isn't a good one. That does not mean I have lost faith nor does it mean I am mad at you because to be honest I have had no issue whatsoever with either. It is very odd to me because I thought I would be angry or not trust you after such a loss and great life pain like loosing my son here on Earth.

I do not understand why you would give him to me and than take him away so soon. On top of it I don't understand why we are still enduring such trials in life right now on top of our son returning to heaven so soon. I try to keep telling myself that you have some greater plan and that you will provide but there are moments and days that I have to question you.

Often times I will wonder if you took him because I was upset he was a boy, although I know deep inside that is not the case. Then I wonder if I had prayed harder that day would he be here. Than I think back and knew that he was gone the minute we found him and he would not be coming back. I remember being in the hospital watching them work on him and asking you to change your mind but knowing in my heart you had already had him in heaven and that you were not going to give him back. If I had prayed one more time rather than believing what my head was telling me would he still be here? I remember asking you to let this cup pass from us but trusting your will at the same time knowing that you had bigger plans for us all.

Every day I struggle to understand what your plans are for us. Things seem to be getting worse and not better and I feel so very out of control with it all. I don't know how to do this, how can I be a mother to a baby in heaven? I know you know our pain all to well for you too lost your son. I am sure it was no easy task to watch him suffer and die even though you knew it was all part of the plan and that you would one day see him again. I didn't choose this for my son but you did choose that for your son so I can only imagine the torture it must have been for you. The restraint it must have taken to not strike all those dead that harmed your son rather than accepting them into your kingdom...I truly don't know how you did that.

Often times I think of Psalms and the section regarding The Valley of the Shadow of death. This very bible passage has always made me think deeply and it still does to this day. Often times many people refer to it as the actual death of a person. For me I do not know if that is our walk in life that you refer to or is it the part of our lives that we do not know you and what you have/can do for us. I think of not having faith and where I would be without it and I can honestly say I would have been a basket case for sure if I did not know you the way I do. I remember when I did not believe and how very lost I felt. Now I have bigger trials and feel lost but nothing in comparison to the way I felt then. The pain is much greater but the worry and anxiety is much less.

I remember sitting there thinking "Where is my miracle?" "Please bring my little boy back to me, I know you can do it if you want to!" Now months later I sit here and thank you for the many miracles in my life you preformed without me even realizing it. Each of my children are a miracle, often times I don't wonder if Joshua would have died at 4 months old during his episode and we were given our miracle than. Of course I know that you can't use up miracles like the whole genie in a bottle thing but devastating things such as these make you think of all sorts of crazy things! You helped me through and out of a terrible relationship situation and gave me the blessing of Hugh's love, yet again another miracle. Often times I think we forget to see the small things as miracles that you have given us and when bad things happen we feel the need to wish them away or hope that you will not allow us the pain that is imminent with this sort of loss.

I don't get it all but I wanted you to know that I truly know what faith is all about. It is about praising you in the good and the bad. It is about putting trust in the things we cannot see and listening to the whispers only our hearts can hear. Please help me to understand and if I do not help me to do your will anyway. Please allow others to see how great you are through my actions and allow me to be a representative of all the good you do in this world. So many are suffering in one way or another, we all have a life story that only you understand. I pray for my peace and that of others struggling right now.

Please tell my little boy all about me. I always thought it would be the other way around, me telling him about you, but since that is not the case I ask that you care for him as I would until I can get there to be with him. I know you love him as much as I do and will make sure that he is well cared for but you have so many to care for that I felt compelled to ask you directly rather than just assume. Please help me to be the person you want me to be so I can do your work. Your plans often times seem so much greater than I feel capable of doing. I cannot tell you what an amazing feeling it is to know that I have been chosen to do your work though. It is kind of like being picked to lead a team to victory...it is no easy task but the reward is great! Thank you for all the blessings and miracles in my life and please continue to help me take a breath every single moment of the day that I feel I cannot do so on my own, which I know is often right now.

I am putting my trust and faith in you and all that you have planned even if they are not part of my plan. Help those around me to understand and find their own way to you through your loving and unconditional grace.

Your child through Christ,
Nicole Garman