14 Months Old

Today George would have been 14 months old. Even though every day is hard, days that mark certain things like the 9th and the 29th for us are always hard since they are the reminders of the fact that he was here and filled our lives with such joy where now sadness and pain have permanently found a place. Anyone who says you get over this sort of thing has never experienced this and is completely wrong. It is like loosing a limb to your body...you will never have it back and you can try to put things in its place but it is only temporary and does not work exactly like it did before.

Yesterday after I updated this page, I fell back asleep. For the second time since he died, I had a dream about him. This time I had come upstairs and he was sitting on the floor in Richard's lap playing. As soon as he saw me, he just lit up and smiled like he always did when I would come in the room. I miss that smile so much. Above is a picture of that smile that just melted your heart and that I miss every single day of my life and look forward to for eternity. In my dream he looked just like these pictures of him that I have from some of his first smiles...ones I will never forget.

I knew in the dream that he was supposed to have died. I looked at Richard and kept saying he is dead, he isn't suppose to be here. Then I thought, maybe they made a mistake and I had been given my miracle...these were only brief instances. Sadly I realized it was just a dream as in my dream I went to the mantle where his ashes were and they were still there. I walked over to the two boys and picked up my little boy. I held him and hugged him wishing that I never had to wake up and leave that moment. It was like he was alive again in my arms where he belongs. I kissed him over and over again and just held him like I used to do where he nestled his head under my chin.

These sorts of things really would make me sad before. Now I know they are really the only moments I will ever have with my little boy ever again until I am with him again. I cherish the moments I am given in these dreams. They only come sparingly although I would love to have them all the time and often wish they would replace the really bad ones that come more frequently. I would give anything to get rid of the bad ones but know it just makes me appreciate the good ones even more. There is a feeling of peace that I get after a dream like this that I just cannot explain and I do not get from any other dream. I used to think people were crazy and that the bible was just exaggerating how God can work through dreams until I have had these two.

For now I have to remain on the path set before me and do my job as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and so on. God has placed me here to do his will and not mine no matter how difficult that really is. Life does not stop even if we want it to. Hugh and I started talking about how hard it is to not understand all the bad stuff and how neither one of us has any animosity and have never been mad at God but rather the situation and the fact that we don't understand why in the world bad stuff just keeps happening to us over and over again. People say it makes you stronger and although that may be true, I often times think it is to also prove to others that anything is possible and see God still working through tragedy in people's lives and teach what faith is really all about.

Faith is about putting it in God's hands not only during the good but also the bad and truly doing what it is that he asks you to do and rely on him completely and turn to him for comfort and strength rather than carrying that cross yourself. When you need it the most, he will place people in your life to help you through and could be strangers. I find it ironic how when Christ was carrying his cross through the town, it was not a family member that helped him to carry it, it was a complete stranger. There is something to be said for this when you have lost a loved one and find strength and comfort in people you may not even know like so many people do now especially with technology allowing you to connect with others all over the world. God knows our family is burdened themselves as they watch us walk this path and honestly could not carry the cross for us even if they wanted to. People talk about angels among us and I believe that often times it is God placing people in our lives when we need them the most and even though he is not parting the seas he is still preforming works in our lives. I believe that it is moments like these where we can see God's work, the kindness of the stranger and that it isn't always a bad thing to turn to someone else for comfort.

Today is just one day closer to my own taste of eternal life where I will again be with my son and all my loved ones who have already departed this earth. For now I will hold on to my faith and continue to do what I am called to do and trust God with it all even if it is hard and seems impossible to do at times.