The past few days I have been trying to clean my room and get it ready for Gabrielle's arrival. My room is the room in the house where everything just gets dumped and has not really been cleaned since George was born. Even then, it was only partially done. We had started wallpapering it almost 3 years ago but never did finish. I had the supplies so just wanted to finally get it done and rearrange the room to more suite our needs now.
Doing this has not proven to be an easy task by any means. First of all, it has been a challenge this pregnancy to do a lot of the things I can normally do. I have been so drained on so many levels this time around. Hugh is now working a lot and that really poses to be difficult for me with the boys since physically it is a challenge to just do daily tasks. That all being said, the hardest has been to come across things that were George's or that I was saving for him to use some day. The sad realization that he will never do that is just so saddening to me.
Today Hugh was going through his clothes and came across a shirt I had bought him for Father's Day right before George was born. It was a shirt where the kids could put their hand prints on it. He didn't realize the significance to it but I remember buying it thinking that he could add George's hand prints to shirt and we never did. He was still too young and had that clenched fist thing that babies all have. Hugh put the shirt on not realizing this and saying how we can add the kids prints to it still...he didn't realize that it would never be complete with George always missing. I just burst into tears and yelled at him explaining that it would never be what it was meant to be. Sometimes the significance of things gets to me more than it does to anyone else.
I should not be having to live a life like this. While cleaning I came across toys and clothes that I held onto for him from his big brothers. He never got to wear them and never will. All of the dreams and things I had wanted for him all died with him that day. For everyone else they can forget or walk away for a day but I can't. There is not a day that goes buy I don't cry or think of him. I think often times this is why it is the hardest loss to have. Everyone else gets to go away and forget the hell for at least a little while but I don't. I don't get to forget the horrible moments of that day and how part of me died with my son that day.
Simple things shouldn't be this hard. Every little thing is a constant reminder that he is no longer with us and isn't coming back. They each bring their own twinge of pain in some form. No one should have to ever really live like this, it is not fair, and yet we have no say but have to still find a way to get through every day and these moments. I miss him terribly and find it harder each day not easier. Often times I think I just get better at pretending that life is good and I am fine. The fake smile gets to be more natural and a normal part of having to live without my child here with me.
I have talked to other mom's going through this too and they too feel the same way most of the time. Many of us are still in our first year and coming up on the holidays that used to be filled with joy but are now met rather with anxiety and a wish that we could not do them all together. Just the knowledge that they will always be missing something is so overwhelming not to mention the energy required to just make it through them for everyone else when all we really want to do is stay in bed and forget the whole thing. Yet we forge forward just like we are expected to do trying to make the best of a horrible situation for everyone else in hopes that it won't be as bad as we think it will be.
For our family and many others things are always compounded by finances and life obligations. Somehow things for us just are more complicated then they are for other people. Even though Hugh is working we won't see any sort of money until next week. The cemetery position that he left was supposed to pay him yesterday for training but have not so now that is another task of trying to get the money they owe him. We want it just to cover the cost of the gas that it cost for him to get up there so we can put it towards his gas to get to and from Sears. I still don't know how in the world we are making it but it can only be God's grace.
My heart goes out to the other parents in the same and worse situations than we are in and I know quite a few. Not only do you have the burden of your child's death but you have to deal with finances, and the holidays. Just knowing you can't be the one to go out and purchase gifts for your child and have to rely on others is just depressing in it's own right. That doesn't even begin to touch on how to just survive this season without your baby. I am thankful that we have my parents who help out where they can and one another. There is a mom who I am friends with who has nothing and is now loosing her home, her marriage, and everything else on top of her son. Many people never talk about this sort of stuff and I think it just compounds the whole situation making it worse. When someone talks about it people shy away as if the person is asking them to solve their problem but often times it is they want a listening ear because it is so overwhelming. People somehow feel sorry for you and are overwhelmed by your situation and don't know how to handle it so often you get this very awkward feeling and come to know you don't want to get into that too so avoid talking to anyone about it. I know I have expressed this before but this is such a common thread among people who have lost their child that complicates an already complicated situation.
I hate the fact that even the simple things are hard. It is so exhausting and relentless. These are the moments that you find yourself needing to rely on God and his strength the most.
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