God Speaking To You

Did you ever have a moment when you knew God was speaking to you in some way? I actually get them often. Today however, the moment was in church again. It was one of those days I did not want to get up and drag myself to church after feeling so run down. Hugh didn't have to be at work until 3pm so I was all for just staying home. Something in me got up anyway and headed to church with Hugh and Richard.

The readings were meant for me to hear. The first one spoke about God's initial plan for the earth and people. He had made it all beautiful and with no need or want. Somewhere in all of it that plan got turned upside down. It didn't go how he had planned it. He had to change his direction and plans unexpectedly and was surely not happy about it. It hit me all of a sudden to realize that he too didn't have things go the way he had planned either. The things that he wanted for his children did not come to fruition and he had to find a new way to live with what he had been given.

The second part was about working. It spoke of working to be in God's kingdom. For me, when I think of work, I don't think of it necessarily as a good thing. Work requires so much of us to complete the task set forth before us. Work takes from play, not always something that we really want to do. Work can often times seem daunting and I am sure each of us could find something we would prefer to do. It spoke of how if you work that is when you will earn your soul. For whatever reason, that just touched me on a deep level. I think of the person I was years ago when I was naive to the world. My first eye opening experience happened to be with the FBI bursting my bubble that life as I knew it was not so but opened my eyes to many things, especially my own self worth. Then we were given children with special needs and every day they require more work than we ever anticipated and yet would not give up because the reward is so great. George died and we have faced even more challenges and yet I would not give up this pain to not know him and be his mother.

Each of these obstacles have brought about an immense amount of work and yet I would not change any of them if given the chance. I look at the person I am now compared to the person I was then and am so proud of myself and the "work" that it has taken to get here. Every day I am earning my soul and the very spirit that defines me. I know I am a good person and all of this work is God's way to make me the person he plans for me to be. This sort of work is not anything like the type of work I typically associate with the word and I am proud to be called to do this sort of work because it helps me to grow and flourish as an individual and be able to help and allow God to do his work through me. I often times forget that living life is often much like raising children...there are moments that you want to pull your hair out and tons that you could never anticipate yet the reward is great and you would not trade it for anything.

I often times feel that God does this to strengthen our relationship with him. Any relationship that is one sided is always doomed to fail on some level. If you have a one sided marriage where one person is putting in most of the effort to make it work, it is usually doomed to end. You cannot force someone to love you and giving them everything won't make the situation any better. By not expecting anything from them you are doing yourself and that person a hug disservice. I guess that if that were our relationship with God(and for many people it is) than we never get to know him the way that I have come to know him and trust him. I never understood why he was referred to as our husband or any other sort of life based relationship status until now. I think of my husband and how we have seen trial after trial and somehow keep it together forging through with everything we have. Individually we could not do it and we depend on one another more than I ever thought I would depend on anyone in my life. I think that is ultimately what God wants with each of us but like in any good relationship, it takes work.

Today, we were faced with yet another challenge. Hugh was on his way to Sears and was dropping off a script for Richard's medication and his truck would not start. We could not get it started so it had to be towed back home until we can afford to get it looked at and fixed. I could see in his face the wear and tear that things have truly taken on him. Tomorrow will be a year since his father died and brings into perspective the many challenges we have faced these past few years. This just really added to the pile of stuff yet again and I could just see it in his face. I stood there in the parking lot of the CVS as the truck was placed on the bed and hugged him telling him that it would all be ok and even though he was overwhelmed you could see just me being there and able to hug him took off some of the edge of it as he knew I was there for him knowing his pain and walking this path. We stood there just hugging one another and before we would have both been basket cases but this time stood there knowing we can't fix it right now and in the grand scheme of it the whole thing is minimal.

The whole thing however did bring about some serious realizations of what Joshua is dealing with. I know I have mentioned his comments about his brother being dead and his complete lack of understanding death. Josh happened to be with my mom and I when Hugh called giving me the news. The poor kid just started to freak out and cried hysterically as we tried to calm him down telling him that daddy was fine it was the truck that was broken. He has really been an emotional basket case lately and unfortunately is not old enough to really express himself. There is no denying that he was surely traumatized being here the morning that George died yet due to many factors just cannot express himself and now carries all sorts of emotional outbursts especially where family members are concerned. Once he is settled in with the new insurance after Gabrielle is born, I am going to have to get him into some sort of play or music therapy since I do not feel he will benefit from traditional therapy because of his mentality. Every single time I see him do this, it breaks my heart to know I cannot do anything to take this pain and upset from him. It also makes me realize how others feel when dealing with Hugh and I...there is nothing anyone can do to take away the pain and it is such a helpless feeling.

On an up note, I did receive some pieces of fabric for our chain and ornaments for George's tree today. Some people from our church got together and began the process. I did not really anticipate getting many to be honest but today was handed a bag with the names of individuals and families. Richard handed them to me and said Bonnie a woman from the church had handed them to him. I was quite touched and it took all I had to just not start to cry right there. There have been several people from our church who have truly gone out of their way for our family on numerous occasions and do not pass judgment and try to be there for us whenever they possibly can. They truly have no idea what this means to us. I'm going to find some small boxes to wrap the ornaments in for George's tree in the next couple of days and add them to the two I had purchased while in Disney. Please keep sending them if you want to participate, it truly shows the boys how very much people care and will have so much meaning to us all this year and in the years to come.

I ask that tomorrow you please think of Hugh, his mother, and his two siblings as they mark the 1 year mark of his father's passing. Even though he was not what most would consider a good person, he was still a child of God and I do believe that he found his peace at the end of his life although he lived a very lost and difficult life. We don't know if he truly found his way to God's arms but we pray that he did even if it was in the last moments of his life. I will never forget that day and how I had known just a few days before that he was going to be gone very soon. Hugh sat by his father's bed and I am thankful that he did leave prior to him dying but having been given the chance to make his peace and say goodbye. Those moments seemed like ages ago but also like yesterday. There are still some issues with closure since there was no service or official goodbye to him so I know this will be difficult for many reasons. I am thankful that Hugh has off of work tomorrow and we can spend the day together since it will be filled with many mixed emotions.