Realization

This morning I came to a realization as to why Joshua is having such a hard time. I knew it was definitely related to George's death and his fear that people who leave don't come back. The panic attack he had yesterday was just like the one he had the morning that Michael had an allergic reaction and we had to take him to the ER. He has just been so full of tears and lost since Hugh returned to work and I expected it but not to this extent. It had been bothering me as to why this was happening in such a huge capacity to him specifically when the other two have their moments but just not like Joshua has them.

I finally realized he never got the chance to say goodbye to his little brother! It hit me like a brick wall...we never took him to see George after he died. He has no concept of death because he never saw someone dead. We were all so worried about Richard and his coping without even thinking of how it was affecting Joshua or Michael for that matter. Michael was not impacted the same way but Joshua was and I feel will remember it for the rest of his life. There was a show I watched called under cover boss where the man had lost his sister at Joshua's age. He said how to that very day he remembered the day his sister died vividly all the way down to the smells that filled the air. Now I wonder what it is that he really does remember.

He was here from the moment it all began and saw all the chaos and bad things happening to his little brother. My heart just breaks to think about this. Never once did we think to take him to the hospital or to the funeral home before he was cremated. We didn't give him the option to choose we just didn't even think about it at all. He just knows his brother was alive one moment and not there the next with no explanation at all.

We were so wrapped up in our own grief and making plans we never did realize that it may have had a huge impact on them because they never did express anything but I did not realize it was because they didn't understand. What does the word died mean to a 3 and 5 year old? It means absolutely nothing. We were so concerned about the adults and Richard that no one even thought twice about the little boys who at the time were just happy to have all those people around. Now there is no one around and they are left with just this emptiness they don't understand or know how to explain and have no control over any of it.

I think back to that day and how it was such a crazy day of events from beginning to end. Joshua and Michael were both there hugging each other on the couch as they cried "Georgie is dead!" The police officer that first responded screamed at me to get them out of the room when he took over CPR. I couldn't leave George and stood there with the two of them hugging me as I tried to take them to their room. My brother came in and took them into their bedroom as we tried to gather ourselves and left those two scared little boys there while we went to the hospital. I remember them pronouncing him and asking us who we wanted them to call and I thought of all the adults. They asked me if we wanted Richard to come up but no one ever asked about the two little boys and I didn't even think of them other than the hour or so after we had said goodbye and left the hospital thinking how staying with George wasn't going to bring him back and the other two were at home and I needed to be with them.

The days following we were at my mom's during the day. Hugh stayed with the boys at my mom's while I returned home to spend time alone trying to figure out what had just happened to my life and how to cope myself. I would return in the morning and did all the things I was suppose to do and asked the teachers to keep their eyes on them at school. When I went to Josh's school to work on Michael's transition to school the whole staff was upset and I remember them telling me how they had a hard time dealing with Josh's verbalization about George dying. His teacher was so upset saying that in the middle of playing, he just looked up at her and said "Georgie is dead" and then returned to playing...she was at a total loss as to what to do for this little boy who just repeated words he did not understand the phrase he was even saying.

I sit here now wishing I had thought about this at the time, knowing I cannot change any of it at all. Instead we are left with this confused little boy with pain in his heart that he doesn't understand. My heart just breaks. I cannot imagine what he went through and what he remembers and how he feels every day. Someday there will come a time when I know he will understand it all but for now nothing changes and I am left with these two little boys who will have to live with a pain and fear that I cannot fix.