Last night I found myself having a hard time sleeping and eventually just cried myself to sleep. It was another one of those moments not expected that took me completely off guard. Michael was sleeping. He had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for Hugh to get home. He was all wrapped up in his blanket looking like a little angel. Hugh got home and moved him to his bed and I went downstairs to try and sleep myself. For whatever reason I just couldn't.
I went back upstairs to get something to drink and go to the bathroom for the millionth time. Michael toddled out groggy with his blanket in toe while I was downstairs and curled up on the other couch again to be close to his daddy. As I walked by him he said "I love you" I told him I loved him too and as I returned passed him back on my way downstairs, I walked over remembering I had forgotten my nightly ritual with him.
Suddenly, I was transported back in my mind to the night before George died. The flashes of my memory brought me to when I picked him up and played with him. Finally it was time for him to go to bed. Little did I know that would be the last time I would ever tuck my little boy into bed. He propped himself up on his hands looking at me with those big blue eyes and pouty face as I laid him in his crib. I walked over to his radio and played his favorite music CD. I can still hear it playing in my mind "Go to sleep, Go to sleep, Go to sleep my little baby, Go to sleep my little baby" The song played as I turned out the light.
I walked to the door ready to leave when I stopped in my tracks. By then he had known it was bed time and had put his head down and started to suck his thumb like always. If only I had known that was my last night with him I would have sat there and held him all night long rocking him in his rocking chair with his little head on my chest listening to that cd over and over again until God called him home. However, that was not how it was meant to be. I had remembered I forgot my ritual with all the boys and made my way back to his bed.
I looked at that beautiful gift from God and thanked God for him and stroked his blond soft hair while he continued to suck on his thumb. I kissed my fingers and placed the sign of the cross on his forehead as I did almost every night and do with the boys. As always I repeated "Father, Son, Holy Spirit...Angels watch over you!" His blue eyes looked at me one more time with such love, I stroked his head one more time, and he closed his eyes as I turned and left the room. Never did I ever know that would be the very last time I ever saw those eyes again.
I remember as I had initially gone to leave the room I was going to forgo the traditional ritual that night. Something in me made me go back. I remember thinking, I had to do it because if he didn't wake in the morning I would never forgive myself. God I never thought it would really happen. Until now I really had not thought much about that ritual or how I had felt that night and what I would not give to have that night back. Every part of me wished I had known he was leaving and as hard as it would have been to hold him and watch him leave, I would do it in a heartbeat to know that he was not alone during those moments. It hurts so bad to know he was alone. I felt like I was there to bring him into the world, why if he had to leave before me could I not have been there when he left. Instead I was downstairs working, something I will forever regret dispite all logic.
I miss him so much and my heart just breaks during moments like these. You are just never prepared for them or what may trigger them. They come out of the blue. I was actually doing well all day. I had found a few really awesome deals on things for Gabrielle. Just as I had posted about the items and things we still needed to get, I felt overwhelmed knowing the cost of the mattress alone. It was a particular one that I knew I needed for peace of mind with her but it was $300. I knew emotionally I could not settle for a different one so I was going to wait until we had the money to get it. Something had me go to my registry to look at the reusable diapers where I noticed the mattress was half of the cost! I double checked it on another page to see if somehow it was a different model or something but it wasn't and all the other products made by this company were also on sale. I checked our bank account and Hugh finally had a paycheck deposited for the first time in almost two months. It was so nice to see the account past $50. I asked Hugh what he thought we should do and we both decided we needed to purchase this while it was on sale because every other web page still had it listed at full price and she needed this.
Knowing we had been fortunate enough to be able to get it at this cost set me up for a good mood the rest of the day even though Hugh had to work. I often find myself getting sad when he is gone from being overwhelmed by the kids at times when they go haywire and being pregnant makes it hard for me to move around and do what I normally would do with them. When they aren't here the silence is usually too much and I feel so very lost and count down the minutes until he comes home. The silence is just a sad reminder that my baby is gone because he would be here doing all that toddler stuff that keeps you on your toes. I hope that the silence won't bring this sort of feeling in the future or anxiety for that matter once Gabrielle is here. Hugh works again almost all day but thankfully has off tomorrow and we all plan to attend church for the first time all together as a family, something I think we all need and have not done in quite some time...probably since George's funeral.
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