Michael's Turn

This was written the other day and I forgot to actually post it but saved it.

Well today was Michael's turn to make me realize he still does not understand it all. We were going with my mom to Walmart. He had made this picture of himself describing that his hair and eyes were brown. We were talking about it and he said he doesn't like his brown eyes and likes blue better. He then proceeded to ask us who gave him the brown eyes. We told him God gave them to him.

Promptly he state he was not going to heaven. I know he associates God with heaven at least. We told him not now as he continued to rationalize heaven and coming and going to heaven. With that he said that Georgie was in heaven but that when he is all fixed he will come back. He then told us that the doctors would fix him and give him back. I've come to realize you cannot rationalize with a child that age. He surely doesn't grasp death and this just confirmed that and the notion that he still carries that George will come back someday. It just broke my heart as I just sat there helpless not knowing what else to say to this little boy and tears just rolled down my face. I knew if I said anything else I would loose it completely and found it difficult during our shopping experience to keep my composure as the conversation just ran through my head.

Last night I finally took our sock basket and matched all the ones that were mismatched or missing a pair, something I hate to do. Mixed in there were George's socks. I would find them randomly and just throw them in the basket. Finally I took the time and matched them and added them to a bag of clothes that we will send to Camden for the homeless. It is so sad to have to go through things and constantly have those little reminders. I also found the hat that they put on his head the moment he was born and one of the little mittens that we put on his hands the day he came home. I placed those in the drawer next to my bed not really knowing what to do with them but not wanting to get rid of them.

Teachers conferences are coming up for the boys. I am really not looking forward to them this year at all. With all that has gone one none of them have really had it together except maybe Michael. I had emailed Josh's teacher the other day about the incident where he broke down after Hugh called about the truck. She responded by saying she noticed he had his shirt on with the picture of George on it and maybe it would be a good idea to put things like that away. Umm..I don't think that will work nor do I think it is a good idea. We are not here at home pining away and being depressed where all we do are things to idolize or remember George. Hugh was taken back by the response enough to comment on it too saying that we think she just doesn't get it. I really don't want to sit there and have to listen to someone tell me that the kids are having trouble in this area or that and I already know and also know it is definitely related to all they have been through. Often times they feel as if you are using it as an excuse when in fact that is not the case and rather this is our life and they just don't understand how difficult it really is.

I wish more people really did understand. It is hard enough to find the energy and stamina to live a life like this and to add in the garbage from others who don't understand just makes it even worse. You get to the point where you just stop trying to explain and smile and chalk it up to ignorance on their part being as they have not obviously dealt with it ever in their lives. I find it odd that there is like an underworld of people who have lost core members of their families who have to suffer in silence or depend on others who have walked the road while the rest of society lives in their bubble that it is all peachy!