Visit

We had a visit yesterday by the teenage mom who took George's things and her grandmother who has become part of our family over the years. I cannot tell you how nice it was to see them and spend some time with them and get to know the baby a little bit. She is juts absolutely beautiful! It does hit home that we will soon have a little angel ourselves in just a few weeks! I have no idea where the time has gone and it still doesn't seem real to me in some aspects.

I made sure that Hugh was here when they came to visit since I know they were bringing the baby. For a man who never grew up with children, babies are surely his specialty. He sat there with her and was completely in his element. Just watching him with her reminded me of how he used to sit with George and all the boys and had such patience and loved them so much. He rubbed her head and this big teddy bear of a man looked so odd with this tiny little china doll like baby in his arms where she fell asleep. I have a feeling Gabrielle is going to be a daddy's girl and hard for me to wrestle from him:o)

They told us how she loved the swing that was George's and the other items we had given to them. Every time they take them out they think of him and pray for us all. It is such a blessing to know that these things have just as much meaning to them as they did to us and to know that another baby is getting use from them. I find some sort of peace that I cannot explain knowing that he is still touching others in this way and remembered by others in this capacity. As hard as it was to give these items away I know that God is blessing this family though our loss and teaching so many life lessons to so many people and I can't think of a greater purpose to life than to be doing God's work even if it is in such a difficult capacity.

I am hoping that in the next week or so I can get the 10% off coupon to come in from the places we registered for baby items so I can take some of the little money we do have and get the things we will need for her when she comes home. We can wait on a mattress for her bed if we have to and several of the other big items that we gave away until she is older and we hopefully have more money. There are certain items that need to be bought new and not used for safety reasons so we will work on those a little at a time.

I'm planning on using cloth diapers this time around to avoid a lot of the chemicals and things that are in the traditional diapers. It isn't that I won't use the standard ones but I would like to cut back on them especially while she is younger. They have a lot of alternatives out there now that many people are recognizing the environmental/medical impact of the traditional disposables. I do have 3 or 4 of the covers but have got to get the inserts. Although the company sells their own inserts, I can still use the old style ones and have found many people have more success with those. We will see how it all goes but will surely purchase a few boxes of disposables to have on hand for convenience and emergencies. I always think of my grandmother whenever I think of doing cloth diapers, she always talked about how things have changed and after 10 kids and doing the cloth thing she was taken back by the technology of disposables...I know she is smiling up there in heaven whenever I think about this.

I'm trying to make the boys part of it as much as possible. They always thought the baby shower part of it all was so awesome and they are so infatuated with parties. We have not had many people opt to purchase anything although many had inquired and was the reason to create them. My thought of them getting mail is not exactly working the way I had hoped so I am thinking I will let each one choose something from her registry that we will buy for them to give to her. The thought of taking them into the baby store especially this time of year is just overwhelming...I have a hard enough time making it through there myself without wanting to get things or becoming emotionally overwhelmed by it all. It isn't as bad as it was in the beginning and is actually becoming more exciting now that we are only a few weeks out but there is still a lot that goes with it all. I also feel like a foreigner going into the girl section, not really knowing what to make of it all and being so used to the boys and their limited selections.

The closer her arrival gets the more anxiety I seem to get although it does not seem any more real...such a weird feeling. I don't think it will hit me until I hear her cry or hold her in my arms for the first time. Some part of me is still waiting for it all to fall out and something happen. Once she is here I don't think the anxiety will go away but I'm doing what I can to minimize it for us all. Just thinking about it all is so overwhelming and emotional...all I can think of is the day I went into labor with George and his birth...his cry still rings so loud in my head, something you just never forget.

I keep praying I do not get the one doctor that I do not particularly care for because I know I am not making it to the day they scheduled me for. The thought of him being the one to deliver her is really weighing heavy on me. We are also looking at trying to find a way to bank her cord blood for medical reasons but it is quite expensive costing around 1700 dollars with a repeat banking discount! For our family the docs said it is imperative but when you have no money there is really no way to do it and that alone brings me quite a bit of anxiety. Will I regret it later on in life that I didn't do it? They now don't even allow donation so it will all just be thrown away and I have such a hard time with that and don't know why. What if she needs it someday or it could benefit her brothers? I just really don't know what the future hold but I guess this is where I have to put my faith in God and truly trust him.

As the holidays draw closer and Gabrielle's arrival turns into weeks and not months, emotions are running higher than normal and I have to say I rely on God almost every single second of the day to make it through without loosing my mind. I try to keep busy with the kids but with Hugh working all sorts of crazy hours it is quite hard especially in the hours that he is working and the boys are not here or sleeping. I am hoping to get to the store in the next day or so to grab some fabric hardener to begin work on our holiday link project in hopes it will keep my mind busy. With Hugh's truck broken down and the kids being off of school it makes it a little hard to do it. Walmart used to carry it but since their remodel I will have to actually go to a craft store for it. One step at a time with God holding my hand so he can pick me up when I stumble or begin to loose footing...the mental image of that is just so very profound to me and helps me to know I am not alone.