Missing My Little Monkey

I have not been able to really find it in myself to update this page in almost a week. My heart has just been so heavy lately although I do not show it. I've tried to keep myself busy and not think about the immense pain that I carry in my heart right now. I'm exhausted on all fronts and am just about able to survive the days as they pass.

Richard's birthday was a very difficult day for me since it was the day last year that we took our very last family picture. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal but it truly was heartbreaking. We will never have a family picture with all our children in it EVER. The thought of that makes the knot in my throat that holds back tears harder to choke down with every thought and breath I take. Each day inches us closer to the end of our first lasts...what is left after that other than pain and great sadness? It just gives others another reason to feel that we are doing something else wrong by feeling as if we should be moving on with life.

I believe that you move forward but not on for many reasons but because you have no choice in the matter. If it had been up to me I would have crawled in that hole with my son the day he left, as would just about every single other parent that has said goodbye to their child to soon. I don't want this pain or sorrow in my heart but somehow it is the only thing left of him along with the memories of him but everything else just isn't the same anymore. It isn't that I don't find joy in things and am grateful for all that I have, however none of it is ever going to be the same and will always carry some sort of sadness or yearning to have him here.

I miss him so much and would give anything to have him back but know I can't and I don't have any say in it at all. That being said we have to still live and try to do our best at finding a way to do it with this forever sadness that we will always have. That in its own right is probably the hardest part. It wasn't suppose to be like this, my life was not suppose to turn out this way, why? I don't know why and the prospect of the rest of our lives being this way is just so sad and overwhelming.

Part of it is definitely hard with Gabrielle looking a lot like her big brother. On a regular basis I don't think much of it but as I look at pictures there is no denying it at all. There will be a day when she no longer looks like him because he never passed 143days of life. It will leave me wondering how much he would have looked like her instead her looking like him. Wondering what he would look like or be doing is not something that can ever be escaped. There are kids that were born around the same day that I watch growing up but not my son, he will forever be a little boy to me. I will always be missing my little monkey!