My birthday is Sunday. Everyone asks me what I want for a gift. Every single part of me wants to just say "my son" Of course I never say that and just say nothing because there just is nothing that I really want. So many things just become unimportant after your child dies. Big days and events just always feel like something is missing, and it is. I never got to have a birthday with my little monkey except when I was pregnant with him...he died before I ever got to celebrate it with him.
I remember being pregnant with him and how happy I really was. There was just this connection I had with him even before he was born. Hugh and I were always so happy to have another baby even when others weren't. I was so proud to name him after my grandfather and remembered crying when I found out he was a boy, not because he was a boy, but because my grandfather was not alive to see me name him after him. My grandfather and I became so close the last month of his life when I went to take care of him daily for several hours. He had his flaws but he was a man with a huge heart and I was so blessed to have had that time with him.
I was not the only one to have a different connection with George. Richard told me tonight on the way back from his counseling session about how he felt that way. He looked at me and asked me if I knew what he was talking about because his counselor didn't know. As soon as he said that, I new exactly what he was talking about. It isn't that you love anyone else any less it is just different. He said how he had it different than the one he had with his other brothers from the moment he held George at the hospital. I then told him that maybe God gave us that connection with him since he knew he was only going to be here for such a short time...I don't really know but I found it ironic that Richard felt the same way.
With Gabrielle coming closer to the age George was, that does not make this any easier. Yesterday, I was here alone with her and just cried like a baby myself. I stood there changing her and could no longer just keep the tears at bay. They just flowed as I stood there sad for myself and happy at the same time. I stood there thanking God for her and yet wishing that George was here...so many mixed emotions. There is only so many minutes in the day that you can really keep it together. I find that if I try not to cry when I finally do it is like the flood gates open and there is no keeping anything at bay anymore.
As I sat there waiting for Richard tonight there were other parents waiting for their kids too. Somehow we got on the subject of our kids and I wound up getting into a conversation about George. I hate the question how many kids do you have. If I say 4 I feel guilty for leaving George out and if I say 5 I have to go into some odd explanation. Tonight I opted for the explanation, I just couldn't leave him out. They asked me how many kids I had and how old they were so there was no avoiding the explanation and the looks of pity that came with it or the look that comes where the person wishes they never asked. I hate those looks but I am getting used to them now, even though I hate them.
The one lady said I was very calm as I explained it and than asked how long it has been. I told her a little over a year and she turned to me and said well at least it isn't new...it took everything I had to not yell at her or loose it. Instead of that, I sucked it up and just told her that it isn't any different the day that they die than it is any other day, you just have to keep moving forward and get better at it. I told her the pain doesn't get any less. For the rest of my life I will just have to learn to deal with it.
All of these things are hard to deal with but I just tell myself that it is par the course and that part of it all is why I share his story with so many. This is also the reason I keep this blog. I want others to realize how this is not exactly what they may think. In some ways I hope that it helps another person not have to go through the same stuff I am by having more people that are understanding. I don't lie or sugar coat things and share my raw emotions even though others may get upset about it or not understand any of it.
The boys have a care page that I used to keep up but I always got a lot of flack for things I posted by people who just didn't get it or just read way to much into it. I am probably one of the people that can be trusted with just about anything but if I am not told to not say anything than I will unintentionally just say it because I am honest and what you see is what you get. Not everyone can handle that sort of thing and then there are those who appreciate it. This blog is kept for myself and those truly interested in walking the path of grief with a mother who lost her child and all the ups and downs that come with it. This path is full of ups and downs and I can honestly say is hard to understand if never walked, because even though I thought I was understanding, I could only empathize, not sympathize with people who had been here before me and it truly is a different thing where this is concerned.
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