Heavy Heart

Today my heart has just been so heavy. I miss my little boy more than ever and have found tears welling in my eyes several times today at the very thought of him or just seeing something of his. Thinking about it all and moving is just stirring up a bunch of emotions. The very essence of his presence here at home is just not the same. We moved his things to my mom's house since they are so important to us but it makes being here feel like I am lost. I just feel so very empty when I think of us leaving the home we created for our family.

It wouldn't be bad if we were going to be away from here completely but we aren't. I don't think I will ever be able to drive around the corner here for emotional reasons. The first house I sold, I left and never went back to. Never have I ever driven by it at all, not even once. I won't have the luxury of never seeing out house again because I can even see it from my parents back yard. It will be like looking at something knowing we lost it and feeling as if my son is here and we aren't...kind of like him being in heaven in general. Sometimes I think I will be ok and sometimes I think it will be like tearing me apart but I think it will be a day to day thing like it is just to live day to day without him. I think it is also harder because it isn't like we are selling it because we want to, we have just had unfortunate circumstance after another compound to put us in this situation and there is nothing we can do about it all.

Moving in with my parents will have many pros and cons to it. Hugh and I are aware of all of them and know what we are facing but dispite it all, it is hard to do for us. Part of me is excited to not have to worry about things but another part is just sad. We are trying to make it as painless as possible but we built our home here and part of our hearts are here. The mass amount of work that lays on my shoulders to make this transition also compounds it all. I often feel like I am treading water and waiting for the one wave to come that will drown me because I just can't go any further. Some days in general I just feel that way, today being one of them. There are also times where I feel like I can overcome the world.

So many times I just wish that life was easier than it has been or just for a break from all the worry and pain. Ironically the bible verse that was delivered to my email today was this:

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

~ Philippians 4-6, NLT

:)I knew that this was meant for me directly. Every day I pray and thank God for all he has given me. I know that there are many blessings and things to be grateful even when the world seems to be closing in. The smiles on my children's faces, their laughter, and just their presence and memories I have thus far are just a few blessings but there are so many more. All that said, I trust in God's plan for my life although I am not necessarily happy with the way I am having to get there. We all have our own struggles but in most ways they are all connected and boil down to some of the very same feelings no matter the specifics of the life struggles themselves. Days like today are the days I pray the most and ask God for his help because if I left it up to myself I would have quit and gave up a long time ago.