A Dark Place

I don't know how many people understand me when I say that I feel as if I am in a dark place. This by no means has any reference to anything other than to try and give an understanding for the state that my heart is in right now. The past few days have required so much for me to just get up and do the basics without falling apart and not cry. Tears have welled up here and there and there is nothing I can say makes me feel that way other than I feel like my heart is in just a dark place. It is kind of like being in a room with the lights on and then they suddenly are turned off and all of a sudden it looks so different and you are fumbling your way in the dark to make sense of the things around you that only a few moments before were as clear as ever. I think in general this is the path of grief but especially that of a parent who buried their child. The initial shock is like those moments where your eyes are adjusting and you can't see a thing and the rest of the time it is where you can sort of make things out and fumble a little less.

There are days and even months when you happen to have it together and then wham...you are hit with such a heavy heart that just hurts to even carry in your chest. There are times when the pain feels like someone is sitting on your chest and you have to walk around with them there. You cannot control any of it and there is no amount of medication that can get rid of the pain and you somehow have to learn how to live with it all. It is so hard to want to be happy and not have these feelings and yet have no control over them at all and just push through each day praying for the day it will all let up. The grief from the death of a child has to come in waves because there is no way that you could handle it any other way without loosing your mind.


Today it just broke my heart even more when I found Michael at our house while I was there grabbing a few things. His eyes filled with tears as he cried saying how he wished we could keep the house and didn't have to leave it. Inside he found his toys and the place we used to call home. His chubby little hands wrapped themselves around a few cherished toys I allowed him to bring back to my mom's house. My dad and Hugh have to still work on a toy room for them so we have not moved much of their toys. Michael was always our homebody who LOVED to be home so I am sure this is a huge change for him. These tears were the first from him over the loss of anything. I had to keep it together as tears came to my eyes trying to find a way to explain crappy circumstances to a four year old little boy. I promised to make his toy room special and would work hard on trying to get it done as soon as possible so he can have more of his things with him and hopefully feel less sad about all that is going on.

Through it all, I am so thankful for my children. They are all so very special and bring something different to my life. Today as I sat there partially in tears I held Gabby and her smile just melted that pain just enough for it to not hurt as bad. Michael always makes me laugh when I think there is no possible way to laugh...and his big brown eyes are so captivating and you want to know how in the world his little brain works. Joshua is the compassionate one and emotional one. When I look at Joshua, I look at myself as a child. The simplest thing can make him cry and he is very hesitant and always thinks things out and once he has something in his mind, he is not going to let it go and will find a way to make it happen. Richard is the child who tries to be strong for everyone but just one look into his eyes and you can see all the life obstacles who have made him the compassionate person that he is. George, even though he is dead, still touches our lives every single day and makes us not sweat the small stuff and appreciate the small things like a simple smile. He also had this special gift that could heal a broken heart, I know that he did that for my sister Tara and also did for me as he showed me how God could love me no matter what I have done in my life.

They are all what keeps Hugh and I both going each and every single day. If there was any way to take away their pain we would. I would carry more than I already do if it meant that they were free of worry and heartache but I can't. Standing by and watching others suffer is one of the hardest things in the world to do. I know that this is how so many people feel where Hugh and I are concerned...watching onlookers wishing to fix it all but unable to. Keep the prayers coming for I know we are not alone and God is with us and only He can do something about this all. He is guiding us through the dark places in our lives right now. This is when faith is needed the most and putting it in his hands becomes the hardest thing to do but is also the most necessary. In this dark place I am keeping my faith and following God's guiding hands.