Rough Days

Well apparently, it has not just been a rough few days on me. Hugh has been getting short with people and I've been the same way and didn't realize it was all stemming from missing our little guy. Poor Hugh had such a hard day today. I saw him standing at the mangle where we keep his ashes looking at this little family tree photo frame that we were given by a friend which has all our family members pictures hanging from the branches. The pain was just written all over his face and nothing had to be said. I left him to his own space to grieve in his own way but I was feeling the same way and nothing had to be said.

My heart just broke for him, knowing all too well his pain. Life has surely dished us some huge life challenges. Today we began working on the legal stuff for the house and I just lost it and started to cry as I had to go with Hugh to the house we once called home. I know we need to be where we are now but it doesn't make it any easier. The heartache is still there and the pain from loosing the house compounds our grief in such a unique way. It is like a shell when you walk in the front door now but it is still like walking away from our son and loosing him all over again. Hugh and I have both been feeling this a lot lately and have no way out so we have to push forward through it even if we don't want to or don't like it.

I know for me today, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and forget the whole day and the rest of the world. My back has really been bothering me these past few days which does not help but the emotions of all that we have been through has just really taken its toll. I am so sick of having to be strong and push through all the tough things in life. So often I feel as if I have had my fair share of life obstacles and pain and I wish God would see this and pick someone else to challenge besides my family and I. We just need such a break from all this pain and suffering in our lives. So many times we have tried to get out of this hole only to have someone to dump more dirt in on us and having to constantly get out of these things. Having to be strong for so long has just been so hard to do all the time that I just don't want to do it anymore.

Together the two of us went over to the house and began going through it. Looking at the empty rooms and all the things that we still have to do just became so overwhelming. Also, just thinking this was the only place our son knew as home and that we were having to leave it all behind. There was this terrible empty and sinking feeling as I tried to "be strong" and focus on the task at hand that I could not avoid. Hugh walked around aimlessly as I worked, he was just so lost and you could see it in his face. My heart broke for him as I knew exactly how he was feeling. We both know we don't have a choice in the matter and have to push forward but it doesn't make it any easier. I wanted to fix it but I can't and that is such a hard thing too.

We came back to my parents house and the reality was just there, all that we had we are loosing and the life we had created together no longer exists. The loss of our house and the loss of our son has just taken its toll and I want my life back when I was oblivious to this sort of pain and loss. I want to just cry and scream at the top of my lungs. I'm so over all of this and this horrible road that I want no part of and had no choice to wind up on. My heart is breaking and breaks even more as I watch my husband hurt and fall apart in his own way too. I know there is good in all of this but that doesn't help get through the bad of it all or the fact that we have to do this even if we don't want to. I feel like I am a little kid being dragged away kicking and screaming.

Getting past this heavy heart is just so damn difficult and I am so tired of it all. I don't want every single day of my life to have to have some sort of pain in it. Watching others around us not have to struggle, I find myself jealous and resentful for all that we have had to endure. Other people will lie, cheat, or steal and their lives are not nearly as difficult. People can plan their lives and it works out that way and when I do that, nothing works out that way. We face judgement from those who have no idea what has happened in our lives and the world we live in is just so unforgiving. It is as if we have to always live with our guards up because the minute we let it down another obstacles is thrust upon us.

Life has just not been fair and I am just so upset about that and so is Hugh, I can see it in his eyes. He has tried so hard for so long to provide for our family and to watch it all be flushed down the drain just eats away at his heart. People will constantly talk to me about jobs for him and I know he just can't even fathom facing another rejection from another employer or to take the added stress that comes with a career change. Right now he is just surviving and breathing and I think that is all I can ask of him and for me to have to handle all the other stuff just adds to my already full plate and I just want to cry. When I don't know what else to do, I cry, when Hugh is in the same situation, he just gets short and nasty even though he doesn't mean it. This is probably the lowest we have ever felt in our entire lives. Having no control over any of it just adds to the helpless feelings of wanting to do something but having to accept things for what they are and where God is placing us in our lives.

I don't get it and I have no idea where in the world God's brain is right now but I guess it has just got to be in his hands. Sometimes I think he is napping on the job! He has heard me yelling and crying and being upset but then again he sees the bigger picture, not me. In all of this, I thank him for the blessing of our children because they are what help us both to get through this all. Gabrielle's smile, Joshua's hugs, Michael's "Love you", and Richard's kiss on the cheek are the very things that keep us going. We are so very thankful for them because when it all seems terrible one of them always makes it "not so bad" Today Joshua said "I know someone here didn't take their happy pill" when Hugh snapped at him and it just made me smile through my pain and sadness and Hugh did too. We are trying to make this our home but it won't ever really be that for us but we will have to just be grateful for a roof over our heads and the support of my parents. Somehow all of that doesn't take away the fact that makes you feel like a looser and disappointment to those around you.

As the next few days go by, please keep us in your prayers. We are missing our little monkey so much right now and feel as if we are saying goodbye all over again. These feelings may be right or they may be totally wrong. They are real and raw and I always said I would be honest on here to give others a real insight to it all, not the fake face and front I have to put on daily to live in the world that was once familiar and is now a total foreign land in which we live. Thank you so much in advance for the prayers, we need them all.