Today the kids have off from school and Hugh is already off to work. Gabby and I are the only ones up in the house. The house is eerily quiet for this time of morning. It suddenly brought me back to the morning George died. It was that same silence as I got Richard off to school that morning. I was going to check on him but thought twice about it since I knew if I woke him up Hugh would have been mad since I had to go back to work. Mornings like these are the mornings that I just miss George terribly and get those random panic attacks still.
We are hard at work right now collecting items to make Christmas stockings for the homeless. I've been fortunate enough to have collected enough fabric to make the 100 stockings that I have. With the kids off, I want to let them help so I think we might start having them trace out the pieces since we will need about 200 pieces. They are excited to start this since they all love the holiday season. I'm still looking for items to fill the stockings with but a few people have been generous enough to give me their travel size items they collect from hotels. It is actually quite exciting to be working on this project.
Added into the project is prep for Gabrielle's 1st birthday. I am very excited about it and can't wait to celebrate it, I just hope others realize how important it is to us and show up. It is during the Christmas season when so many people are busy but I am really praying they can take a few hours to celebrate this momentous occasion with us. I sent out save the dates a few weeks back but I'm not sure if that helped any. It is so hard sometimes to realize that not everyone you care about can make something like this even if they know how much it means to you. We understand that others make plans but when it is family sometimes it is a hard pill to swallow and even though you try hard, you are still disappointed. In the end though, I try to remember that this is very special and we are grateful for those who can come to celebrate such a wonderful thing with our family.
The other big project we have going on here is moving all our things. Hugh and my dad are going to finish putting shingles on the shed so we can finish moving items. I want to have everything we are taking with us out of the old house by Thanksgiving. Its so hard to do it sometimes because it is very emotional. Going over there takes a lot out of you by the end of the day and its not because of moving things but rather the emotions involved. The other day the kids said that they changed their minds and wanted to move back in the house and it just broke my heart to hear this. Even being at my mom's house, although I grew up here, it just doesn't feel like my own home. I am thankful for the basement since it does give me a place to decorate with things from our family and make it a little like our own space. The other day I bought some new spatulas for the kitchen here and I felt compelled to ask my mom if it was ok that I threw the junky ones out. That's the stupid little stuff that kind of makes it hard or to feel like it isn't really our home.
My parents are wonderful with the kids, all things considering. I know they are done this age of child rearing so there are times it is hard for them. The kids even test my patience and I try to keep in mind that they are only kids but I always feel like I have to keep them out of the way or try to make sure they don't bother my parents. The kids have been really tough lately and have been making that extremely hard to do, and it is so exhausting on my part. I can feel the effects of my own disease as they get worse and I try to work through them but at the days end I just want to fall apart. Today I go to the doctor for myself to try and talk to him about getting some of these symptoms under control so that I don't feel so lousy...I don't have time for this as a mom of 5. The sever pain is taking it's toll and now is affecting my sleep by waking me up with shooting and throbbing pain, not to mention the muscle spasms all the time. I'm so tired during the day that I have to nap but feel so bad for doing it and leaving the kids with my mom.
My biggest concern is the heart palpitations that have become more frequent since 40% of mito patients have heart problems. I've had this my whole life but it is just becoming more frequent and can be scary when it happens. Often I don't let on that I am having these problems and try to work through them without giving much indication that they are a factor. I hate when I loose control of my muscles and I just start to get the shakes and spasms for an extended period of time because those are the hardest to cover up. I want to be my "normal" self but it is becoming harder and harder as time goes on to do that and if I'm being honest, it scares me not only for myself but also for my family. I know how much everyone depends on me but it is just getting harder and harder to live up to everyone's expectations of me. It is already bad enough that people talk about me and judge me, I'm really trying to not add this to the mix to give them more ammunition. It emotionally hurts and I already have enough of that no matter how much I "Know better" it doesn't change how it can hurt when someone thinks of you in a negative way by no fault of your own.
It is also a little more difficult because Hugh's job is a physical job and it is taking its toll on him. He is into his busy season and they are having to unload trucks almost every day. By the time he gets home, he is exhausted and doesn't have much left in himself to give to the kids and I. He often will get short with the kids and I without realizing it and with all the other added stressors of the house and things like that, I am sure he is just overwhelmed. His mom also calls him to come take her trash out and do things around her apartment while he is trying to find a way to juggle all the things we need to finish here and the kids with the crazy behavior lately. Please keep us in your prayers as we all work through these tough times and that it is only temporary. Also pray that these other ministries we feel called to touch the lives of others in need and who are also feeling much like we are by letting them know someone does care and we recognize that there are others in worse positions than we are. Please also pray for the kids and their behavior, I don't know if it is the house/emotional issues or if it is part of their disease. Thank you in advance for your prayers they really do mean a lot!
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