I have really been thinking a lot about the house and all that has happened to our family. It has been no easy road and no matter what, we have to keep moving forward even if we don't want to. I came to find that the reason I have had such a hard time is because I feel as if the house is still lingering over our head. Once the house is gone completely and is emptied, I think it will be a lot easier to move forward. It is kind of like our hearts are in two different places right now. Going there just brings so many emotions and is very hard to handle at times.
I don't know how to leave the life we knew behind. There is a certain attachment to the place especially since it was the only place George knew as home and he died there. I know he was taken to the hospital but they never did get a heartbeat or breathing from him so he really died at home. I still call the place home and am not yet completely settled here at my parents. I do however feel that once the house is gone that we will be able to move forward because we will have no choice but to do so. It is just so hard to leave it all behind and just walk away from our past. I know that the future is what really matters but the past is what has helped mold us into the individuals that we become. It is like leaving yourself behind in some capacity, and my heart could not be heavier at times. We are hoping to be moved out by Thanksgiving so we can move on with life and all of us can go forward.
That being said, I went to the doctors yesterday to find out a plan of action with him to help my physical issues. He is thankfully a doc willing to listen and work with me. He has ordered several tests and lab work and wants to do a baseline work up to see where I am with the disease right now. He also gave me a medication to help with the muscle spasms and nerve based issues I have been having. It seems to work so far. They have decreased but I can also still go up on dosing since it is one of those meds that it is trial and error with. . It doesn't help with any of the pain but it helps with the other stuff for now. There is definitely something wrong with my abdomen since the doc felt the same thing that I did and is probably a hernia or something so I am going to have a cat scan done. It is very painful at times and sometimes the pain meds don't work and I have to take a stronger one. Please just keep me in your prayers as I go through all this testing and try to find the right meds and things for me to be on.
Yesterday I went to look at a venue for Gabrielle's birthday part. It is really nice and right in the complex my mother in law lives. I'm very excited for her birthday party. It just is a huge milestone for her and us as a family. With George not getting to see his first birthday there is some sort of peace that we have never had, I am hoping we will gain that. It is going to be a blast and I just can't wait. We have so many fun things planned and really want to make this special for everyone.
The two of us also went to her doctors appt and then to lunch. I think I may have talked her into getting a newer car since she has no heat or air conditioning in hers. The poor woman is so afraid to get one because of having to have payments and that is her biggest worry. If I had the money I would get her one that was something she didn't need to worry about repairs for but that was reasonably priced. I told her that she can get a good new used car and that Hugh and I could take her around. It is so hard to watch her struggle and not be able to really help her where she needs to be helped. She is so emotional and I feel for her on so many levels. I wish she was better at telling others than Hugh and I the truth about how she feels. She feels so obligated to tell people what they want to hear and does not live for herself. Hugh and I are the only to people she is really herself with and although I am honored by that it causes so many issues that it drives me crazy at times.
She also told me how Hugh's siblings and her had talked about her final life plans. I found that she wants me to plan her service. When I got home and told Hugh, he was actually quite upset since he was not included in on the whole thing and feels like it is watching his father's plans happen all over again. My heart goes out to him and there is nothing I can do to make it any better. I did offer her the opportunity to be placed with George in his urn and she said she would love that as she teared up. With that she said she would like to put some of her ashes up near where she had grown up as a child and the rest put with George. She asked me to help her with her living will since I have done them before for Frank and others so I told her I would do it with her. I don't know why but I have some sinking feeling that when she dies it is just going to be a mess but I hope that I am wrong.
We will see where things go from here but I am now trying to focus on moving forward and helping our family through all that is about to happen to us all.
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