Today I am really missing my boy. We went to church and for the first time in a while I went to the place where we buried some of his ashes. When we placed them there I thought it would be more spiritual for me than it has become. I think it is hard for me because there is nothing there acknowledging he is there and that really is hard for me and hurts. I look at the empty spaces on the plaque that lists others who have passed but none for my little boy. We've asked several times to have his name added even if we need to pay for it, but now, almost two years later, his name is still not there.
Going to that spot and not seeing his name adds a sadness to my heart so I often times don't visit his resting spot. I feel bad but I just can't handle the added pain and loss that I feel by this. It is like the mom's who wait patiently for their child's headstone. There is some odd peace brought just by having that acknowledgement that says your child is there. Even if everyone else forgets them, there is some acknowledgement that they did exist. With George, since his time here was so short, it sometimes feels like he wasn't here, and not seeing his name is like he didn't.
Anyway, I visited his resting spot. There was decorations to the right of where he was buried for a woman who I sang for her funeral. I took a flower from a pot of mums that were next to the spot he was placed. Tears welled in my eyes as I remember the day I laid him there. I will never forget being handed the small urn with his ashes and not wanting to place them there. It was the acknowledgement that it was for real and my son was really dead. I wanted him back and didn't want to place his little body parts into the cold ground and yet there I was,his mommy, having to place him there myself. No one should have to bury their child, it just isn't fair and there is nothing more painful and hard to do.
I miss his simile, his laugh, and just the way he laid on my chest. It hurts that it is all gone...he is gone and I will never have him back. Sometimes, I can't even remember those things and that hurts even more...it is as if you are loosing them all over again. Gabrielle however, helps me to remember when she does those things. I couldn't love anyone more than I love that little girl. Gabby has a special place in my heart and there is so much more meaning in watching her grow up than I ever had with the other kids. I now have even a deeper appreciation for the crazy things the boys do like when Michael dose things like make it snow in his room or cracks eggs to find a baby chick, or tries to keep a worm as a pet.(yes he really did all these things).
When I am upset, I tend to cook. Today I cooked up a storm with chicken noodle soup, stuffed cabbage stew, pizza, and pumpkin muffins. While I did that I thought of my little monkey and also about an older woman at our church. Her husband died not that long ago and today they were dedicating the new keyboard in his memory. She held it together and I could see deep in her eyes how very hard it was for her to do. After service we went down and had our usual bagels and doughnuts. This woman's family was there and they were leaving. She came to get her coat, which was where we were sitting. I stood up and just hugged her and told her that I pray for her all the time and think of her too. While I was cooking my pain away, I thought about her and the fact that I want to take her some of the things I made. I can't imagine being all alone through such a difficult loss. I know how lost I feel and I am surrounded by people.
Grief is such an odd thing with no rhyme or reason. The person who came up with the steps of grief should be shot in my opinion. It sets people up to feel like they are failures if they don't get to the end of that list or in the same order. Your feelings are forever so there really is no end like they say there is. It sets you up to think that there is an end to all that you are feeling and that is so wrong. Gotta love when we try to make sense of something that isn't meant to be understood.
I miss my boy...it hurts...I cry...I want him back...it isn't fair...I love him so much...I miss my Monkey!
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