None of this is fair...no one should have to live with this sort of pain in their hearts. I miss my son so bad and I just want him back. I want my life back and the person I was before he died. My heart is breaking every moment of every day as I live without him and it just isn't fair. Why did God have to take him? Haven't I been through enough in my life? Keep adding up the bad stuff to see how much I can take...is that the plan? I'm tired of being strong and being told to stay strong or that I can handle this since God gave it to me to deal with. I'd like to tell those who say that to me to live through it all and see how well they fair...they are lucky I get up every day and breath. I'm just so tired of being strong...none of this is fair and I am so tired of watching others get what they want and even be blessed beyond belief and they are not even nice people. I don't get it. Why didn't God have one miracle for my little boy? Why didn't he give him back to me? I want to be the mom I used to be, not the mom who is always missing part of herself. What ever happened to fair...I guess I should just take that word out of my vocabulary.
Why do I share these very negative feelings? First of all, it helps me to share these random thoughts that fly through my mind on a daily basis. Second, I want others to know they are not alone when they are having these feelings. Third, to allow others who don't walk this path, an insight to what we live with on a daily basis and hopefully allow you to be a kinder person to those who are walking this path. It doesn't make a difference as to how long the child has been gone, these feelings are all too real and even if you seem to handle it while inside you may not be. Often times we are expected to be strong and even told that by some of our closest friends and family which alienates us even further. Give us some slack often, we are strong way to long!
The holidays are coming and this is no longer a happy time for us. Yes we have things to be thankful for and other things we love but we also have things to be unthankful for with part of us living in heaven. Think of how you would feel. For myself, this year is even worse than last year was and I am just dreading the upcoming week for so many reasons. He was here two years ago and alive and I don't know if that is suppose to be easier but it isn't. There are suppose to be a house full of people here at my mom's and I can't even escape if I wanted to since I no longer have my own home to go to like I did last year. Going to be very hard for me. Christmas is even as bad so I am personally having a hard time right now...add in loosing my home and wham you have a holiday season not only filled with things to be thankful for but things to not be. When you have broken your leg, you are not thinking of your leg that is fine, you are thinking of the one that hurts...remember that if you are with someone who has suffered a great loss.
Take the time to remember the other children. So often, I try to make time for my other children but there are moments that I can't think past myself. There is nothing wrong with that and it took me so long to realize that I am not a failure as a mom but rather a great mom because of this. I need to care for myself before I can do that for anyone else. When I have to do this though, I do need people to step in and be there for the boys. So many other parents who suffer my fate, are also left to fend for themselves and somehow find it in themselves to try to be there for their kids even during moments when they barely have enough for themselves. We are not neglectful, we are in pain...imagine breaking both legs and being told to carry a stack of books with you everywhere.
If you know someone who has had a major loss, please think of them this holiday season as they are always hard, don't give them a hat, gift card, or other tangible gift. Give them the gift of understanding and think of something that can help them out without them having to ask for it. Often times a hug can mean more than any gift you can buy from a store!
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