Why is it that seeing things in black and white makes things so much more real and harder to take. We got the paperwork saying the courts were definitely foreclosing on our home. I just stood there and my tears stained the white paper with black writing. It was final, the place we knew as our home is officially going away. The only place George knew as home is no longer going to be ours and it is like leaving a piece of him behind. I think the very thought of that breaks my heart by itself. Each of our children were brought home there and I remember each one of them and how much it meant to me. My heart is just so heavy.
I remember getting Joshua's diagnosis in the mail...yet again another black and while item that was made all to real. In my heart I knew he had Mito but nothing could prepare me for the moment I got it confirmed. Tears were rolling down my face as I sat alone at home with him and the school nurse called about the holidays...I'll never forget it. Through my tears I tried to keep it together as I had to hold a conversation. I almost made it through the conversation but her kindness and sense that something was wrong just broke the wall I was keeping up tumble down like children's blocks. Sobbing on the phone with a stranger was how I spent the moments I found out he had this disease officially.
My very first taste of this black and white reality was when my ex-husband was charged by the FBI. I tried to ignore it and did for so very long. This was my first eye opening experience to the world and when I began to realize life was not what I thought it was. Following that he was sentenced and that paperwork came in making me realize that he was leaving. The fairytale I had wanted in my life was forever gone...my life was flipped upside down and I had no idea how to handle it. I really thought that it would be the very worst thing that could happen to me in my life and I was so very wrong! My divorce paperwork followed and slammed shut any hopes I had left to remain blissfully unaware that life was hard and for me it was just the beginning.
The worst black and white papers that I have ever had were the ones that I had to sign giving permission to have my son's body cremated. No parent should ever have to sign a paper like that. The worst paper to ever read was his autopsy report. God it was awful...I knew what they were doing to my baby but seeing it in black and white just ripped my heart from my chest and does every time I even think of it. I still to this day am so thankful for Marsha, Gabrielle's god mother, for taking me to get them and just being there. Others had offered to go but I knew what I was going to read and that I needed someone who had read them before yet could help me to wrap my head all around it when I was hit by seeing in black and white what had happened to my son. Even now tears come to my eyes at the thought of it, I can even visualize the moment I read it and what the paper looked like.
I think part of the house is hard to leave for me because I feel as if we are leaving him behind. It is like we are leaving the good stuff all for a few moments of bad. The pain is so overwhelming at times and that paperwork was just enough to make me feel as if I just could not handle any more. I am so very tired. Being strong for so long and keeping it together has been so hard and I know I have ranted and shared my feelings openly but for the first time I just didn't know what to say or how to feel. It was like all the years before me and all those black and white moments came to me all at once and I just wanted to lay on the floor, close my eyes, and forget the rest of the world exists. Even now, all I want to be able to do is have time to myself but that is not possible. You see those spas where people go away for the weekend and stay there but get massages and all sorts of stuff...boy what I would give for that!!! I can dream:o)
For now, I am praying for God's presence and just the ability to make it day to day right now without loosing it. No one even knows how hard it is for me to make it to the end of a day right now. I find myself walking around having to fight back tears randomly and not for anything but feeling so overwhelmed. This is just not something that counseling can fix. I know why I am here and in this position/mental mind set. Sometimes I think that we need to just be allowed to be sad or feel the need to not keep it together all the times. So often people think we need to walk around happy all the time and if you are sad or having a bad day you need meds or you need counseling. Often times I think people say this because they can't handle seeing you this way. It is when you let it consume your life for a very long time that it is a problem.
Yes I can be sad...my son is dead! He is dead and unless your child is dead you don't get it and those who have a dead child are the ones who understand your feelings and would never even say that to you or expect it of you. On top of it every day I deal with a life-threatening disease for myself and my children...it is scary. I worry for myself and my children. My body aches and hurts and I am just exhausted yet I am expected to keep going without complaint or mentioning it because somehow someone has to one up me on their pain. I had my home taken over by the FBI and my ex husband arrested and found that the person I trusted was not worthy of that. Every day I walk a path that many don't understand yet feel the ability to judge me and think that I am a looser/lazy and yet they have no idea of all that I do even though I struggle financially, I don't lack heart and give of that freely!
I need a break from all the black and white in your face moments that just drain you of any color you once had. It is very hard for me right now and I am having a tough time right now. I walk around with a smile on my face but inside I am drained and empty. Each day I push through with very little energy and every last bit of it is sucked out by the end of the day even though I may have really used what I had to give the moment I woke. Life is hard and for a while I am going to be seeking color rather than black and white. I guess that is why God sent a rainbow after the dull gloomy rain.
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