Just the Motions

I can't believe how much we have gotten into just doing things to complete them. Richard and I were talking about how this year didn't feel like Christmas at all for us. It was nice and all but nothing made it feel the way it used to. I don't know how to get that back and I want it back. What I really want back is the people we used to be. Nothing beats yearning for innocence when in fact you know you cannot ever have it. It is that proverbial once I tell you I can't untell you kind of thing. Boy I wish I didn't know and I could find a way to get back to that person I was before and somehow mix the two me's.

I know often I have said how hard this all is and how in the world we are surviving all that life has thrown at us. You know we are strong and just keep getting stronger. Even though my heart is broken and will forever carry scars, it will be stronger than ever before. I think that this trip to Florida is going to be able to do that for me. We need a new start, I need a new start. I'm so sick of feeling so sad and doing what others want or think I need to do. I've tried to do it their way by taking medicine and talking to others who have gone through this but I have not done what I need to do for myself. My whole life I have been afraid to disappoint and not be good enough. This was not something placed on anyone but me, I'm a perfectionist by nature. I think it is my way of trying to control what little bits of my life I can so I make a big deal out of the wrong bread(yes totally stupid!)

Loosing our house is so very bitter sweet. I want to save it but realistically we can no longer afford our house with the salary Hugh is making now. I've seen great strides in the kids and my parents since we have moved in, all for the better. We have our moments and it is kind of odd and hard at times to make it feel like our home too. Christmas was really the beginning when we didn't know what to decorate or what was ok so neither my mom or I just let it go. I kind of think that was why it didn't feel like Christmas. I know she says to just do whatever but I was also raised to have respect and so it is a little odd. In the end I know we will all work it out. The bumps and hurdles will be there for us and I know they won't be easy but if this is where God wants us then I will follow.

Somehow I need to look at myself as not a looser and horrible person. This isn't how my life was suppose to be and I need to accept the way that it is not what I wanted or others wanted for me. Letting down myself is easy, but letting down others is just heart wrenching. You see them all happy for you and yet you know the reality of it all and it isn't going to really happen and then you let them down and you might as well take your heart out and stomp on int a million times over. If I am truly honest with myself I put more pressure on myself than others do and I need to realize that I cannot make everyone happy so I just have to love myself....much easier said than none. When I go away I hope to really work on some of these things and accept that my home is gone and that is ok, My son is gone and that is ok, my health is a mess right now and that is ok. I am leaving it all in God's hands and listening to the instincts he gives me because I know if you don't he only pulls at you harder.

Above all things, I thank God for my family. If it was not for them, we would be homeless. They love my children unconditionally like they are their own especially at the times where it is hard for Hugh and I since we are just barely able to breath that day. We have our moments but they are nothing like they were when I was growing up here and we are still figuring it all out and testing all the waters to see what works and what doesn't. In the end I know this is where we are suppose to be no matter how much I prayed for a Christmas Miracle for our family to not loose our house but I'm ok with it. We gave up our house so that Hugh could have time with George while he was alive and I would do it again, no questions asked.

Thank you Mom and Dad! You are the best and I don't know where we would be without you both...you have always been there sharing the pain and chaos even if it was indirectly and through us. I wish I could fix it all so that your hearts didn't have to hurt for us as you sit by and watch without any control. We will figure it all out! THANK YOU!

Thank you Michelle, Tara, and Tony. You each have contributed and supported us in some capacity. Taking the kids for 2 hrs to go get stuff for bows! Being a shoulder to cry on who really does understand. A kind soul who loved my son almost as much as I did and you carry such a heavy heart for my monkey just like I do. You are all there in our lives for a reason and I LOVE YOU and cannot thank you enough. Tara you need to think of a word better for the world than Thank you.

Thank you other angel mom's who come to this page and who have walked with me when I wanted to fall. We all lean on one another and have never met but need each other to make it through life. I am forever Grateful for you all.

My church family, you know who you are, you are the ones who silently read this page and try to do what you can on your own in some way. You have come to understand our family in a way that not many others know and that is really a gift in its ownright. The smallest things mean the most. We love you all for who you are!

To everyone else who has come across this blog and feels pain for us and learns something about safe sleep or a grief camp available to children, learned about this horrible disease, the support is more than you will ever know. you can look on here and even though no one leaves messages I see the numbers of those who follow and there are so many all over the world who have read my page. I hope that you get something and take something from my sharing. I want it to be raw emotions or feelings that are happening so that if you see another person in our shoes that maybe you could be there for them in the capacity that they need you and that you realize this is life long and there is nothing wrong if they cry for what seems to others as no reason....her heart will forever cry for the child they never got to see grow up....they are our forever children!

THANK YOU ALL FOR ALL YOU DO! GOD BLESS! HAPPY NEW YEARS!