Missing You

I've been missing you a lot today...well yesterday and today.  Last night I actually took your siblings to visit daddy at work and walk the mall because my heart was just breaking.  I really have been trying to look on the positive side of things but the past two days I have been overwhelmed and can't seem to do that.  Looking back over the past few years, our family has just had to endure so much and I just can't find the fairness of it or how this is going to be a good thing for us but I am having to trust in my faith.  This is so hard to do, knowing how I love you and this pain in my heart is so great.  I looked back on pictures of you and of your little sister and wow, you guys looked so much alike.  Never did I think I would be living a life like this, one full of so much heartache.

People tell me to look at things differently but there are only so many days you can do that and be strong and they don't get it.  I've been told to be strong for your siblings and daddy or that you wouldn't want to see me like this but I can't help it.  Hearing this only makes me feel more guilty and sad.  Tears well up now as I write this thinking of how I shouldn't be doing this and how instead I should be watching you grow up.  Instead of hearing you laugh and giggle, all I hear are the drops of my own tears or of my muffled cries into a pillow so no one will hear.  I am a mom who has lost part of herself and watched her child die before her eyes, a mom who has watched her husband struggle to make ends meet and work tirelessly to make very little pay for so much work and feel like a failure, a mom who feels she has let her children down by loosing their home and not being able to save you.  We have faced so much and lost so much that it becomes overwhelming.  People say that we should do this or that but they have not walked our shoes and don't really understand how we feel.

I hope heaven is all that they say it is because I know that the time for you will fly until we are together again.  For me however, there are days where it seems like an eternity to just make it through one single minute here without you.  The one thing I think of that does make me smile inside is that from the day I get to heaven, I get to spend the rest of eternity with you.  Part of me hopes I will get to hold you again and know the sort of love I have for you here when I get to heaven, but I am not sure if you are growing up or staying the same age.  No matter what is happening here, I am always thinking of you and miss you no matter the front I have to put on for everyone else.