No one ever told me my life would be so hard. There is nothing that can ever prepare you to watch your child die and have to survive and live the rest of your life with that image but even worse, with empty arms and a heart that once was full of joy that is turned to pain in an instant. Other people mean well but they don't truly understand and often the things they say hurt more and make it even harder to cope with. I try to not let them get to me but often times I am barely holding on and don't have energy to give to ignore what they are saying and it takes all I have not to scream and cry. I want to stomp my feet and cry and be allowed to curl up in a ball and sob uncontrollably for hours sometimes. This is so unfair and I want out of this nightmare but unfortunately this is my reality and I have to somehow get through all the pain to survive and live again.
I know you wouldn't want this for me but I also know you would understand how much I love you and that now you are gone, this is the only way I can express my love for you. I remember your Aunt Tara onetime hugging a cabbage patch doll so tight that its head came off. She had so much love for one baby doll and had to show it and it was so great that the doll came apart...and yet that is only the fraction of a mothers love for her child. How do you harness that type of love and shove it down into one person for the rest of their life? There is no making it any better, there is no looking on the bright side, and there is no way to explain it to those who have not suffered the same loss. They all mean well and think they do know but they don't and I can say that because I was once in their shoes and didn't really know what it was like to loose a child...I could empathize but sympathy was a whole other ball game and what I imagined it as is nothing at all like what it is like. I too was wrong in my thinking and feel for those who I had encountered prior to this and thought that I could understand when I had not been in their shoes. Now, a lot of their actions make sense to me when before they didn't...there is no sense when it comes to the death of your child.
I know you are in heaven and that I will see you again but for now that doesn't stop the hurt. If this is a fraction of what God felt for Jesus, I feel for him and it makes me love him even more for his sacrifice and love for us. When no one else understands and I have to listen to incessant "words of wisdom" from others, it is God often times that I turn to because He knows my pain. So often I think of Mary and my heart just breaks for her too, knowing she had to suffer this on an earthly level and just trust in God's will for her, her son, and her own life. This is no easy task and there are moments when you cannot roll up into a ball that in your mind you do that and God is there to comfort you like no one else can. It is mornings like this that I sit here and think of these things because these are the times that I miss you the most. I know each day is one closer to you and ending this pain and often times I have to remind myself of that because so often the future just looks so bleak without you in my life and this never ending pain in my heart. Life for me has always been hard but nothing compares to this and I pray all the time for God to bring a greater peace to my heart each day...I'm not sure if it is working but I am surviving and taking baby steps. For now I will just have to pray to God to hug and kiss you for me and ask Mary to please rock you and sing to you for me every now and then until I can be there with you again one day. I love you so much my little monkey!
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