Just So Hard

Lately, things have just been so hard for me on all fronts.  I think I try to hide my emotions where George is concerned and wham...it comes out in some other way.  Life since George is so much harder than life before him.  Our live have always been hard and faced criticism from others but it got so much worse after he died.  Just like before...we had good and bad moments and we have those now but even the good moments have something bad lurking in the shadows and it is that he is dead and not here.  So many people don't understand that and try to tell us to look only at the good things but it just isn't possible.

Today I have just not felt myself after a long day at Sesame Place yesterday.  I've been feeling kind of off and now I am really off.  I was getting ready to take a shower when I heard someone yelling and my hear just sunk to my stomach.  A panic attack started the moment I heard a yell I could not understand.  A second or so later Joshua yelled again, he was looking for my dad.  With that, I fell apart and just started to cry and continued to through my whole shower.  I mustered up whatever strength I had left and got myself together enough to go downstairs in case someone was outside the bathroom and I had to walk past them. 

Finally, I got to my room and just stood there so sad that this was now my life.  Never would I have ever freaked out and had a panic attack the way I did before George died.  I hate living this way.  It's easy to say that I am capable of changing that but the only person/people who would believe that would be someone who had never been through something like that.  You can't watch your child die before your eyes and not be changed but especially not loose it when you hear someone yell when that was what called you to those horrible moments in your life.  How do you ever go back?  You can't!  NO amount of counseling or group sessions fixes something like that.  The funny part is that all my fellow angel mothers completely agree no matter how many years they are out if they were not the ones who found their child. 

I want so much of my life back but besides George, the one thing I want back the most is the ability to not have insane panic attacks.  This whole thing has made have a new respect for those who live with this sort of thing their entire lives all day every day.  I have always had anxiety about people talking about me or talking behind my back but that is a joke in comparison to this.  All the anxieties are warranted but what comes with George's death, it just is so  much greater than anything and I cannot talk myself out of it.  Anxiety from those who talk about me, I can often talk myself out of and even if they are talking about me I can take a step back and say that it is their loss they are not in my life or that they have to answer for it someday.  The anxiety that comes from George's death takes over, holds grip, and doesn't let go until I am sure everyone is ok.  Directly following it, I break down in tears and sob uncontrollably as I relive that horrible morning in my head or just cry because he is dead and I know where the panic attack came from and the horrible anxiety I now harbor because of his death.  Living like this is so hard...watching him die was hard but living without him and all the stuff that comes after is even harder.  Having your child die is just so hard.