Lately, George's loss has been so hard. Every moment of every day is full of sadness deep in my heart even when my face says differently. Whenever we do something fun, I want him with us and can feel that hole in my heart just throb with pain. Events from the past few weeks have not made it any easier as we had many family things that make me wish he was with us. I have also been plagued by feelings of even deeper heartache as I have come to face ridicule and pain from find out others have been talking about me behind my back about a lot of things. If only they could walk a moment in my shoes the would understand. I've been called a failure and said to be a moocher(that of course is boiling it down to the simplest meaning behind what has been said), all of which just hurts so bad because no one knows the REAL truth. Hugh has also been feeling a lot of this pain and had a bad day on Monday. So often we both feel trapped in hell and moments like these add to the fire.
I've been thinking about George a lot too because we hit the two and a half year mark on Sunday. It was hard because we were at a family get together where I felt so out of place and had to not show my breaking heart. Hugh and I both sat in a corner table trying to just keep it together and stay out of the way for so many reasons. I was so relieved when the day was over and we could just go home and to bed. So many nights I cry myself to sleep because I know I can't do much of that during the day. Often I am told that I owe it to my other children or that I need to be happy I have other children and so many other things that just want to scream...be me and see how well you do!
My sister is also having her baby today. She uses the same docs I do and is headed in for a csection just like I have had with my kids. Whenever I think of her, I think of the day I had George and the joy we had that day as we held him and got to love him in our arms rather than in my womb, not even knowing his/our fate. Hugh and I have both been feeling that pull on our hearts again to have our last child. Since this will be our last, I don't want it to be one where I'm full of hurtful emotions from others who don't want us or feel we should have anymore children. Every single one of my pregnancies has been full of that and I don't want that. The odd part is that I know that no matter how it happens or when, we will be met with tons of this yet again but yet I keep holding out. No one knows how we know it is part of God's plan for us. Gabby's pregnancy was full of so many up and down emotions and we both want to just enjoy this last baby in such a different way. We needed Gabby and I know that is exactly what is happening with this last child of ours that will someday be...it is a calling but also a need. No one can ever replace George nor do any of our children live in his shadow but I believe that not only are they a calling from God but also a way for us to heal and find strength and happiness that we have yet to know.
All of this is so hard. I don't understand God's purpose in it all but I have to trust in his will for our lives. We have been attending a grief/loss group at a local church and it has been very interesting and helpful in a very unique way. I'm sad to know that it is coming to and end in two weeks and wish it could be something we had all the time. The group of people that attend are wonderful and yet small. We all support one another and are there for one another in just a different way than other support groups we have been to. The kids attend at the same time we do and they all love it too. I find it so interesting that strangers can be more supportive than some family. Not all of my family is judgmental and supportive and I am so thankful for those who are not. These people have in someway become part of our extended family and feel the ability to talk openly without holding anything back. They are what we draw from when the hard stuff becomes too hard. Those of you who read this and have been supportive, non judgmental, don't talk negatively behind our backs, and are just there, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts, even if you are not related biologically, for you have no idea what you bring to our lives.
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