He will carry me - Mark Schultz

Overcome

Today we headed to church. We try and get there as often as possible but often times something comes up and makes it hard to get there. I am always so thankful when we do get there and today was no different. Something about this season just always speaks to my heart and just being there in the church itself makes me feel closer to God.

There was nothing specific that made my heart swell but it did as I sat there next to Hugh as he held Gabrielle in his arms. I sat there thanking God over and over again for the gifts he has given us and also the struggles because they have gotten us where we are today. Many people would look at our lives and not want to be us but I would truly say I would not change anything in my life. I am so thankful for my family, husband, children, and most of all the relationship that I have with God.

Every single part of me missed my little boy as I sat there thinking of his service and how much our lives have changed since he left. My heart cries as I think of how he would be walking and doing all that stuff that toddlers do. Tears just welled up in my eyes after communion as I sat there thinking of Christ's sacrifice for us and how much I now know that that sacrifice meant and how grateful I am because that means I will be with my son again someday. Until then, I will just keep praising God for the blessings and thank him for letting me be George's mommy for as long as he did. I got to see his personality and love him in such a special way that makes my heart hurt so bad but smile so much just to think about him and the blessing he was to me.

I watched Hugh holding our little girl and my heart could do nothing but praise God for everything. Once again this week we hit our own set of struggles when the roof began to leak during a storm upstairs in Richard's room, right over his bed. Every part of me just wanted to cry but I kept it all in perspective and knew it didn't mean anything in the grand scheme of it all. We still have not fixed it but will work on it. As I sat there at church I just thanked God for everything in my life, even the bad stuff because even through the bad there has always been good. We have overcome so many obstacles and have been strengthened by each one and have been able to put life into a perspective that many people just don't have.

I also thank God for calling me to his folds. Thinking back to where I was before my life roller coaster started, I was very lost. When they talk about a lost sheep, I was like that seeking love in all the wrong places. I am so thankful that I was listening and have the faith I do because I don't really know where I would be without it. It is the hardest thing to just put your life in God's hands and know that somehow all the chaos and bad things will eventually work themselves out somehow. In all of it, I know that there is such a bigger plan at work and allowing myself to be part of it rather than run from it is hard to do but I am so grateful that I have come to know the feeling of peace in my heart to know I am doing things the way they are suppose to be. Faith is such an important and hard thing to come by and takes work on a daily basis and Lent helps to put all of that in perspective. I know with God's help we can overcome anything, even loosing our son. George is not gone, he lives on in every single person that remembers him and is waiting in heaven for us.

Dancing With The Angels - Monk & Neagle

Mercy Me - Homesick with lyrics

Reflection

"Lord All-Powerful, see how sad I am. Remember me and don't forget me. If you will give me a son, I will give him back to you all his life." 1 Samuel 1:11NCV

This time of year for Christians is a great time for reflection and a way to find a way to deepen their relationship with God. This year I have really taken this to heart and am trying to use it to find peace in my heart over George returning to heaven so soon and me being left here without him. I have also decided recently that I wanted to continue to teach my children about God and each night we now read a book I bought a while ago called Bible Prayers for Bedtime. It gives you a bible passage, the short story that goes with it, and a prayer is related to the idea behind the story. Initially the boys only listened to me as I would read but I decided even if they did not understand any of it that I was going to continue to read to them every night before they went to bed. Now they look forward to the readings and come running with the book the minute I say it is bedtime. Each boy also repeats after me when saying the prayer and have learned to do the sign of the cross and bless themselves and me as we say goodnight. The passage above was from tonights story/reading and it really touched me.

I'm really trying hard to work through the sadness that I feel over loosing George so soon. I know the pain will never go away and it really just shows how much he meant to me but I need to really try and find a better way to live without him in my life. I've been reading the book the Shack. If you have never read it, I suggest you take the time to do so. It really makes you think about life and faith and just your general perception on things and how limiting they can be. The one part that touched me a lot was when the gentleman gets in a conversation with the holy spirit about "good" and "bad" and how we determine as humans what that is. Something we may perceive as "bad" when someone else may not think it really is and how it really is all about perception. Without "good" there would be no such thing as bad and there would be no appreciation for the "good" things in life.

You would think that someone going to prison is a bad thing but when they find their way to God is it really bad? You would think that breaking your leg is bad but when miraculous the doctors find cancer you didn't know about that broken leg was life saving. My son died and that is considered unfathomable and bad to so many but he has changed the world so is it really bad? It really does come down to perception of things and how you want to look at them. I really live by the thinking of I cannot control what happens to me, I can only control how I respond to it all.

We have had so many obstacles thrown our way and today was no different when we woke up to find the roof in Richard's room leaking. I have been very tired lately with Gabrielle being fussy and just having a hard time sleeping as we get closer to Gabby being the age George was when he died. When I am tired, I am emotional so hearing about the roof just tipped the scale a little and I found myself in tears asking why us? We can't afford to fix it right now and I don't want to put money into a house we may loose in the long run.

All that being said, I have been working hard this lent season to try and keep things in perspective. A month from now that leaky roof won't make a difference and years from now I will probably never remember that it happened. I will however remember the time that my mom spent with the kids here at our house today. I will remember the tears I shed today as I was laughing at Michael and Joshua's antics. Years from now I will still remember how proud I am of Richard for working so hard at trying to get through all that he has been through and being the strong young man that he is becoming each day. I will remember Gabrielle's beautiful smiles and coos when she sees her family and just how they tug at your heart and make fall in love with her all over again.

This may sound kind of odd but this lent I have decided I am not giving something up but rather working on myself as a person to be the person God has called me to be. Often times we get so wrapped up in trying to give something up and then never sticking to it, I decided I wanted to take a different approach to the whole thing. I have began reading the boys passages from the bible each night so they will be able to build their foundation for their faith. I'm working hard on listening to the callings I feel in my heart and not second guessing them or doubting myself. Most of all I am trying to learn to forgive myself and also be the best person I can be and not hold grudges any longer or wish I had something that others have. These are all things that become daily struggles but I want to be able to do God's work with an open heart and although I feel at times I am called to things that I cannot do, realize that I need to put all of my faith in him.

We are very blessed and I am so thankful for all we do have. I'm really working on keeping it all in perspective a little better. Both Hugh and I worry all the time about finances and all the other stuff that comes with our difficult lives. Whenever it all seems so difficult and we can't see a solution or know where things will come from I think of my grandmother. She was such a wise woman and she would always tell me "God Provides" That is so true in all aspects of my life and just when all seemed hopeless somehow something worked out or I was given some insight to understand why there were these trials. I don't know if I will understand why George died so early but I guess this is how I am going to strengthen my faith and put all of my trust in God and his greater plan.

New Again Brad Paisley & Sara Evans

Heartache

My heart has been aching a lot lately for my son. I miss him so much more than words can even begin to say. In all of this heartache my mind still thinks about many different things. I think of how sad I am that I cannot remember the sound of his laugh or voice and even what exactly happened each day with him. I have a general reference of things and I remember his personality but not specific things other than a few special moments I had with him that I could never actually forget but even in remembering them something is still missing since I can't remember the sound of his sweet voice. I know if I were to hear it I would know it was him, however there is no way in the world for that ever to happen again. The thought of all that just makes my heart ache with sadness as it seems memories of him slip away a little each day. The one thing that I do find solace in is that even if my mind forgets him, I know there is no way my heart ever will.

Hugh has started his tow truck job and that leaves me here at home with the kids at night a lot and that isn't always a good thing. My mind will often wander to that time over a year ago now when I would be spending time with him and I think of how he would be if he was still alive. Gabby of course fills some of the time but always makes me think of how she will never really know him. My heart breaks for her since I know how she will feel like part of her is missing since she didn't actually know him and we all did. I will be sure to tell her about him and how special he was but I am praying every single day for God's guidance with that because even though she did not meet him that doesn't mean that she won't miss not knowing him and I think it could carry a different type of heartache for her.

I have been thinking alot about the song I will praise you in the storm that is posted below. The saying is so true. I thought that by now God would have found a way to fix things and somehow it doesn't seem that way, things seem to keep happening to us. I get so frustrated and angry sometimes that bad stuff has to happen to good people. There have been so many people in our lives who have done some seriously devastating things and somehow it seems as if life is easier for them. I watch as people kill their babies while others can't have any. Somehow I find it difficult to watch the news anymore as I see so much injustice and how unfair the world can really be. I keep asking when will it get any easier, knowing in my heart that it won't and the feelings of upset come back again. I really don't understand any of it to be honest but I keep telling myself that God has a greater plan than I will ever know.

That all being said, I also know I am truly blessed and have been given so much. I thank God every single night and day for the gifts he has given me. I also know that even though things sometimes seem better for someone else that may not really be the case...the proverbial grass looks greener on the other side sort of thing. In the end the one thing I am so grateful for is that God called my name to sit at his table. That sort of gift is a gift like no other and it means that I will one day again be able to see my son. Easter is right around the corner and I always think about the path that he walked and what he gave for us all. On top of that I connect with Mary and how she must have felt knowing her son would die and although it was for the greater good, I am sure it was no easy task to sit by and watch it all unfold. I know what it is like to watch your son die before your eyes and having no control over any of it but knowing he was being called home. The pain does not become any less but it does somehow make you appreciate the cross in a different manner than ever before.

So many times we often forget that Jesus was much like us other than the fact he was God's only son. He did not live in a palace or even a large home, he was rather a salt of the earth person. He knew what it was like to walk this earth with a heavy burden and yet still know God's plan for him. I feel we forget sometimes that doing God's will is not always easy and may ask us to do things that require every single ounce of energy that we have in our being. We are not called to these tasks because we want to do them but because God has called us to his table and given us the promise of everlasting life. The rains may come and things may feel like they are coming in to sweep you away however God will not leave us and that is such a great feeling. We may not see in ourselves what he sees in us and we can be called to do scary and difficult things that we never thought we would be able to do. Alone, we cannot do them but with God's guidance and love anything is truly possible.

The one thing we cannot avoid is the human instincts within each of us. No matter what we do there is always that part of us that feels the same as those who do not have faith. There happen to be doubts, sadness, anger, frustration, and a whole host of other feelings. Jesus exemplified this by saying he didn't want to die and also by asking why God had forsaken him. He didn't get it either and although he knew he was called to a higher purpose that did not even make him exempt from human emotions. I am sure he felt just like everyone of us has felt during his time here on Earth. For that very reason, I feel a deep connection with him and know how great a sacrifice it was that he gave.

I will continue to praise him even though my heart aches and is forever missing part of it. For the rest of my life I will feel this way although it may change as time goes on. Right now I need to focus on things in our immediate future since I know that there may not be a tomorrow for any of us. I've promised myself to really work this lent season to bring myself closer to God and also to work with the boys on knowing him in a special way. In trying to do that I am going to get a calendar or journal for our family and I want to try and have each of us write down each day on it something we are thankful for or something that was good that happened to us during the day. It will hopefully keep things in perspective for each of us, that even though bad things happen, good things do too. It will become our memories/thankfulness calendar/journal. I want us to focus more on the fact that even though the rain may be pouring, there are always rays of hope and moments of sunshine breaking through the clouds or even just a brief pause/let up in the rain falling. The heartache and trials are never ending but there is always something that makes all of it bearable in one way or another. Please keep us in your prayers!