George's Birthday

As you know George's 2nd birthday is coming up. It has been really hard and I have really been toying with what we as a family want to do. I know we will have cake for him but the boys want to have a party. After a conversation with them, they asked me if people will give George cards/presents. I tried to explain that you really don't do that for people in heaven. They still feel that George is getting the short end of the stick and feel it isn't fair! Great another thing I have to try and explain and find a way to work around. It would be a lot easier if they were a little older.

That being said they want to decorate and throw a party for their brother. We are all still doing the random acts of kindness but they want to see a tangible celebration of his life. I figured I would ask people to send cards or small gifts to add to George's mantle so he boys can throw their brother a party. If you are interested in helping us out by sending a card or something small we would really appreciate it. He was our little monkey so if you happen to find something with a monkey on it, that would be extra special. Handmade cards are great also. Mail things to: George Garman 7 Ellis Avenue Lumberton, NJ 08048 if you are willing to make these boys dreams of a party for their brother come to life. Thank you for finding it in your heart to do this.

Helping Children Grieve

Children can accept loss if there is something to hope for, something to look forward to. But if they view their lives as one loss after another, recovery is extremely difficult.

Here are some general guidelines in helping your children grieve:
• Understand that children have feelings even if they do not show them. A child's initial response, like adults, is denial.
• Tell your children about the feelings you are struggling with.
• Tell them they are not responsible for the loss.
• Help them understand what has happened. Share just enough details to satisfy their questions, avoiding anything that would traumatize them.
• Be there for them. They need more than words. Your presence can help them grieve the loss.
• Help them remember the good times and encourage them to share their emotions.
• Empathize with their hurt without condoning any wrong behavior.

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!" (Isaiah 49:15).

Lord, You love my children even more than I do. Give me the wisdom to care for them and nurture them through my grief. Amen.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am diamond glints on the snow.

I am sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush,

Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die.

A Touching Verse

But joyful are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, whose hope is in the Lord their God.

~ Psalm 146:5, NLT

This verse from the bible was in my inbox today. It really spoke to my heart. I know how much I rely on God and those he has put in my life to help me through all of the hurdles I have had to overcome in my life. I remember when my ex husband went to prison and how depressed I was. There were days I did not even get out of bed and Richard would crawl in with me as he watched his Blues Clues and I would sleep my life away because of the pain I felt inside. At that point in my life, my relationship with God was no where near what it is now. I had lost my faith in order to fit in my ex husbands lifestyle. With him now out of the picture, God called me from the darkest place I was in my life. At that time I had no idea how great his plans for me were and we were just really getting to know one another in a special way.

George's death by far was the most devastating thing to ever happen in my life. Yet this time around it has been very different. I have my days where I don't want to be a mom and lay in bed but I don't. Having God in my life has given me a strength that I never thought I possessed. During the time I was with my ex and the years before, I just sought out this love. I wanted to be loved yet didn't think I deserved it and surely not loved in the way that God loves me. In it all I settled for a man who was nothing that I ever would say I was going to be with yet somehow found myself lost and aimlessly floundering as I sought this love that I was not going to get from him. With all my heart I wanted it to work and i put in all efforts but one day God came and showed me the real love I was seeking and the strong person I really am and told me he had greater plans for me than I ever did for myself. I was so humbled and still am every single day as I feel him calling me to do his work,that is such an honor and as much as I don't want to have to do the hard stuff I know I am not alone and he is there with me.

I found out that I was not alone having to jump these hurdles, God is my helper. When the road seems long and impossible and I want to give up, he is right there holding my hand and carrying me when I can no longer take another step. Having the hope of eternal life is what also helps me to get through each day, knowing in my heart that someday I will be with my son again. I have always told people that there is no harm in believing but what if you are wrong and there is a God and Jesus was his son crucified for our sins and you are wrong? Being a believer is not harmful but not believing takes away any hope of eternal life and I personally don't want to be on that end of it all.

I also find the part that says those who choose God as their helper have joy. That is so true and I can personally tell you why. Among all the pain I carry in my heart, my heart still knows how to smile and appreciate life. Mixed in with the surging pain at times is still joy. It is the joy that I got to be George's mommy, knowing I will see him again someday, the joy for all the blessings in my life, thankfulness and joy for finding the love of my life, joy for the simple things like the laughter and smiles of my children. It is so hard to have mixed feelings like this but the joy is what keeps me going every single day. When I did not know God in the capacity I do now,there was no joy in my heart and I was so lost and depressed, there is now a distinct difference and I thank God every day that he called me to his folds and helped me to hear his calling.

Last night is the perfect example of this type of joy. All day I had such a tough day. I fought back tears most of the day and my heart just hurt so bad. I always talk about Gabrielle and the blessing she has been to us all. Last night was no different and I could feel God working through this little girl to bring joy to my life. She was sitting on the ground playing and I started to laugh...well she started to laugh. My mom and dad were there too and they joined in the laughter. The expression on her face and the laughter from her little soul just filled the air with so much joy. There were tears in my eyes but this time they were tears of joy. I was so grateful that amidst my pain there was such joy that filled the room, I knew that this little girl was God's gift of joy among the sorrow of loosing her big brother.

Somehow I am learning that these mixed feelings are ok to have and they are just Gods way of helping us through the pain. He knows this pain all too well because he too lost his son and had to watch him suffer here on Earth while he was in Heaven, just the opposite of what I live with each day. There is however a profound difference, I know my son wants for nothing and does not suffer in any capacity but God sent his son to suffer and endure the difficulties that life brings and that has got to be the hardest thing ever. I never understood how God could do this but also knowing that through my son's death that lives have been changed for the better, I understand why he made that sacrifice. In my heart I feel as if, if George's loss changes one life for the better than my suffering was worth it all in the end. I think that this is why on his birthday I felt compelled to come up with the idea of random acts of kindness. You never know who's life you will change by something as simple as a smile. I know my son's smile changed my life and that of so many other and it is truly a blessing.

Take the time to see how this bible verse touches you and applies to your life. If you do not know God yet in the capacity that you have a personal relationship, I urge you to seek it out and work on it. This does not come easy and as any other relationship in your life worth having, it takes lots of work and is constantly changing. The only difference is that God is always with you and will fill your life with this love that only He can give. Once you have found that, you will never want to give it up and somewhere in your heart it will always lie even in your dark moments where you are angry with him or feel unworthy of his love. He loves you unconditionally with no strings attached just like a parent loves a child and would give anything for them. If your own parents have failed you, know they are only human and that they cannot provide the type of love that God has for you. Building faith is a daily task but it is the one thing in life worth doing and working hard at because the rewards are greater than you can even begin to imagine.

God, thank you for calling me to your fold and loving me for who I am. Words cannot express my gratefulness for you grace and mercy in my life while you help me overcome the troubles of this life. Thank you for carrying me when I cannot walk through the darkest places this world takes us to. Please continue to be with me always and let me see the joy you bring in the midst of darkness and pain. Thank you for your sacrifice so that one day I can see my son again and find eternal love and life that only you can provide. Forgive me for all my sins, known and unknown and help me to seek a relationship with you every day and be a tool for you to use so others can see your love through all I do.

Amen.

Odd Things

I have really been thinking of George a lot today. My heart is just so heavy missing him and all that he brought to my life. Almost every second of the day I have had to fight back tears as I sat here thinking of him. The smallest things can trigger the tears and there are so many odd things that just remember him or that I can't do out of fear of repeating these things something bad will happen.

My aunt had brought up these different bakery items and one was a chocolate cake with icing. Ok I know it sounds stupid but the minute I tasted it I thought of him and just felt like crying. The day before he died was Hugh's birthday and we had made him a chocolate cake with vanilla icing! That night Hugh and I both gave him a taste of that birthday cake. Little did we know it would be the only birthday cake he ever tasted...he never got to live to even have his first one himself. The very next day he was dead. I still find some odd solace in knowing that we gave him that cake and he got to taste it at some point in his short life.

Today Hugh asked me to run him up his lunch to work since he forgot it. I didn't hesitate to go because I felt the need to stop at Wendy's and get the same lunch I would get when I was pregnant with him. I would always get a bacon cheese burger with a baked potato and iced tea. Now for some odd reason I find comfort in eating that same meal when I miss him the most. That was the time when he was safe and life was so different and good.

Some of the odd things I refuse to do now are also kind of odd. During my pregnancy with Gabrielle I had no problem wearing the pajama pants and robe that I wore the day George died. After Gabby was born I could not ever bring myself to wear them ever again. It was kind of like if I wore them they would bring me the bad luck that I had that morning so they went into the trash because looking at them would make me cry. Right before he died I had joined a yoga group and for the life of me I cannot bring myself to do that either. Part of me wants nothing to do with the things directly prior to his death like in some odd way avoiding them will stop it from happening again or that the pain will stop.

After talking to many other moms, I know I am not alone...this is apparently very common and something that we all cope with on a daily basis. Many of the mom's tell me that these days leading up to his birthday are worse than the day of and that often times the anticipation of it all is worse than the day. I don't really know how true that is but I do have to say that this year has actually been harder than the first year for me. Somehow you trudge through the first year and people understand and remember them and feel it is ok to still miss them but once you are past that year mark it is like he doesn't mean as much to others like he does to us. That is such a hard thing and also that the shock has totally worn off and the pain is real and there is no escape from any of it. I would deal with the first year before I would ever live through the second like this. In the beginning it hurts really bad but as time goes on and it doesn't consume your ever waking moment like it does the first few weeks, time goes on but you don't acknowledge that pain as much as you did before so when it hits, it hits hard. Please keep us all in your prayers and also the other parents who walk this path every single day just like we do.

He Only Took My Hand

Last night while I was trying to sleep,

My son’s voice I did hear,

I opened my eyes and looked around,

But he did not appear.

He said, “Mom, you’ve got to listen,

You’ve got to understand,

God didn’t take me away from you,

He only took my hand.

When I called out in pain that day,

The moment that I died,

He reached down and took my hand,

And pulled me to His side.

He pulled me up and saved me

From the misery and pain.

My body was hurt so badly,

I could never be the same.

My search is really over now,

I’ve found happiness within,

All the answers to my empty dreams

And all that might have been.

I love you mom and miss you so,

And I’ll always be nearby.

My body’s gone forever,

But my spirit will never die.

And so, you must all go on now,

And live, and understand…

God did not take me from you,

He only took my hand.”

Just Amazed

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=250770838278630&view=wall&notif_t=event_wall

So often I am amazed at how God uses something so horrible in such a positive way. As you know we have asked people to help celebrate his life with us on his birthday which is a little over a week away on Sept 9th. The Facebook page I have created has almost 400 people as definite participants. Seeing the number increasing is so exciting for us all and helps us to know there is some validity to our pain. Somehow seeing God work through others in memory of George is such a great gift and helps our hurting hearts to smile through the pain of his loss.

I cannot tell you how hard it is to be a mom with a child in heaven and not be able to plan a birthday party for that child ever. My heart breaks to think I should be planning a party and watching my son walk around playing with his siblings. All of the kids get so excited for their birthdays because I have always made a big deal of them. We may struggle for things but there is one thing that I always make special and that is their birthdays. They mean so much to me as their mother and knowing the special gift I was given the day they were born and I remember the excitement I had as a kid since it was the day I was celebrated and the center of attention. To never be able to plan a party for George is so hard for me since they mean so much.

I watch as my sister plans my nieces first birthday and how they have struggled to figure out what they want to do and how they don't want to make a big deal and yet they do. For me I always made a big deal of the kids birthdays but even more so since George died. I never know if it will be the last time I celebrate with them and even though it can be considered a waste of money because they don't remember it, I will have to say it never is in my opinion. Having never got to plan a party for my son showed me how ever minute counts and how regretful I would be if I had not done some of the things with him I did.

People thought it was stupid that I made a big deal out of Christmas for a little boy who didn't know anything but I can't tell you how grateful I am that I didn't listen to those who voiced their opinion on this...we didn't give him a ton of stuff but I made sure he had a good Christmas too and I thank God every single day that I did that. I now live as if each day were my last and ignore those who have their own opinions about what I should and shouldn't do...they have not walked my shoes and it isn't their opinion that matters, it is my life and I will live it the way I feel is right. I would give anything to have been able to celebrate a birthday with my little boy here and not have to find some other way to have to celebrate his life like I do now and forever I will have to keep it all together on that weekend although every part of me wants to die.

All that said, I still have to find a way to celebrate his life and the gift he was to our family and this year I just felt acts of kindness were the way to go. So often I am disappointed in others and how things in my life are really not that important to them or they get tired of hearing about our son who is now dead. I didn't want to feel that way and put in all this effort like I did last year to only have a handful of the same people show in support. By doing it this way I am not hurt even more by those I thought would be supportive but aren't and I get to know in my heart that he knows we love him and that this way he can touch more lives and our suffering has meaning to it. I cannot buy him gifts or celebrate the way I would like to but we can give gifts to others and I cannot think of a better way to show the unconditional love we had for him. Every time I look at the page my heart smiles a little more and this is my way of planning his birthday party and a grand one with tons of people involved, even those who didn't know him. It is so reassuring when someone we don't even know leaves a message encouraging us and telling us how they are going to participate. I'd be lying if I said I didn't NEED that to push through the days sometimes. It just amazes me how so many people have found a place in their hearts for my little monkey.

I miss his beautiful smile and giggles the most. My heart just aches to have them back but I know that is not possible. The other day Richard and I were talking about George and he was telling me how much his therapy helped him and that he asked me to go for myself. I told him I was already working on it but I sat there in awe looking at my son as he expressed his faith and how he felt God was speaking to his heart to become a counselor and help other kids who have lived through such traumatic incidents as he has in his life. He told me about how much his little brother means to him and how he feels he has been walking the steps of grief and how anniversaries are hard for him and how meaningful the things we do as a family have been and helped him through his pain. I didn't realize how much my thoughts and feelings influence him and how by doing positive things even though they are hard to do, have helped him through all of the hard things. He is such an amazing person and I have never been prouder of someone. Dispite all we have been through there are days I am amazed at God's works in our lives and in the lives of those around us through the death of one small little boy. No matter the outcome of anything I would not change having him to not feel this pain so I will forever carry this gladly and proudly as his mom and thank God for him every single day!