Moments

Wait
By Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pleaded and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

I've been spending most of the day working on Joshua's party. For whatever reason, it has been a hard day for me. I've found myself crying throughout the entire day. With all my running around, I drove past the Farm Fair and the police car was there. All of a sudden, my mind switched back to that horrible day and all I could see in my mind was the officer who responded taking over CPR on my little boy. How in the world was my little man playing and laughing the night before and in a few short hours he walked out of our lives here on Earth forever. I was thinking of how he used to sit on my laugh and how I thought he was getting so big. What would he look like if he was still here? He would be into everything and almost turning a year old. I miss him so much and can't believe that this week he will be gone for 6 months. The pain is greater now then the day he left. Never in my life did I ever anticipate this sort of life and the crazy feelings that come out of no where that send you on a downward spiral when things were just fine.

I woke up early this morning after a crazy dream I had. It just made me so sad and happy at the same time. My aunt had posted a question on Facebook last night asking if she should go to Disney. That was the last and only family vacation we took with George. That simple question spurred of a dream that was just so very real to me. We were back there and he was alive. I as holding him and carrying him in that Moby Wrap just like I did when we were in Disney. Suddenly he was gone and there I was in the happiest place on Earth, the saddest person there. What a sad and lonely feeling leaving so many mixed feelings. I woke up to realize that my dream as true and he was gone. My heart was beating a mile a minute and it was 3am and I just couldn't go back to sleep.

All that said, these are the moments that I find my place in God's arms. I don't know where I would be without my faith and the ability to just know he understands and carries me through moments like these. He understands my pain and hurt and in his own way brings peace and comfort even though it does not take the pain away. I've been listening to my christian cd's and find much comfort in them. Hugh has many of these moments too but due to his lack of friends and support system, he will be starting therapy on Tuesday. I have a lot of mom's that I talk to online and a few people that do understand my feelings and I have my own therapy when I go for bible study at church. I think it will be good for Hugh to finally have someone besides me to talk to. In the end we will always miss him and always have part of us missing no matter how much therapy we get or time goes by...nothing changes the fact that he is dead and with him went our hopes and dreams for his future as part of ours. Unfortunately, we aren't the first parents to go through this and won't be the last but I am so grateful that we have one another.

I don't understand God's plan for us but I trust him completely and know we are part of his greater plan. That's what faith is all about.