Faith

I really sat down and thought about the post yesterday. Much of what I wrote could be taken in the wrong way and I find sometimes people do take things personally rather than at face value. In no means was it a pointing of fingers or gross disrespect for people who we know care but maybe just don't understand where we are in our lives right now. I did want to add to that post by adding in my thoughts for today.

I've done much soul searching since George passed and this sort of soul searching is not something any of us happen to do alone. I truly believe God has been walking this path with both Hugh and I. We both know he has a greater plan than we will ever understand. I've always said I have always been content with all that has transpired dispite my gross lack of understanding for it all and have known this is just where we need to be in our lives. Often times many people are called by God to do things but due to our own human nature resist the whole way because it doesn't seem right to us or we may have selfish reasons or just hate change in general because we don't understand. That is where your faith really comes in...you need to be willing to walk blindly and giving him the ability to guide you...a task that is extremely difficult for most of us.

Where does this all fall into with the post yesterday about relationships? Well, I believe he has now given Hugh and I the personal and couple based strength to move forward. Often times we have not listened to where he was calling us out of fear or due to the fact we feel some insane obligation to keep giving to these sorts of things and that takes time and energy from where he wants us to be. I've been reading all sorts of books on faith and I am currently reading one on relationships and how to have a healthy productive one. In it there is a passage that just struck home to me...I of course don't know it by heart but can give you the general idea. It basically depicts God as a gardener and we are his plants. As a gardener cuts away the dead parts and prunes back the fruitful parts, god does the same with us. it is such a great picture and actually is very deep.

If you leave the dead parts they will ruin the plants, just as dead relationships can truly hurt us as individuals should they be left in our lives. If you know anything about pruning there is a distinct need for them with a plant or the plant will go wild and actually not be as fruitful or could even cause damage to itself. The longer you let that stray piece go, the more work the plant has to do in order to make it fruitful. I believe these are the relationships that change when tragedy happens.

Often times my mother has said that she wants me back. That truly is just not possible, I am a different person for life. Different however does not mean it is a bad thing. Much like a plant that just had all it's shoots pruned, it takes time to get comfortable with this new structure and person that we are becoming. Sometimes those individual relationships need to be changed to reshape who you are going to become. That does not mean that they will not grow in a different manner or one more plentiful to the whole plant, it just means that it will be different and have a different purpose. Those shoots who resist after time for adjustments eventually become the dead ones that need to be cut away.

Think about a garden and truly how it works in harmony to create a beautiful all around. Without removal of weeds the plants would be over run, sometimes things need to be transplanted. Sometimes plants are moved to another location all together for another need or purpose(I believe this is much like those who pass on and go to heaven vs remain with us...especially children taken to soon or born into heaven...they bloom in heaven) There is much to be said for this and how this one particular passage has so much meaning. It isn't that we are saying to hell with everyone else, I think it is more that we are moving forward and realize what parts of our lives/relationships are over or just taking their time to become fruitful again.

We cannot rush these things and sometimes there is a lot of work that needs to be done just like a plant should the elements of life have beaten down on them like a heavy rain with extreme wind. If your roots are deep though you will stay grounded but it doesn't mean you will go unharmed. You will need much tending to and help to be able to be that person God want's and sometimes I believe it is his personal attention that is needed and you just have to rely on him at times and right I think that is where we are. We are trusting in him to bring us both back and to heal the damage from a very bad storm. As hard as it is to think to leave some relationships behind, I think it is imperative to our survival on so many levels, they were just meant to be there for a shorter period of time than we thought. Just as with anything else it weighs heavy on you and has it's own type of grief that transcends as these things happen.

As I talk about faith,I cannot go without mentioning God's unending love and grace. Hugh and I have been through so much in our lives, not to mention the past few years being extremely difficult as we mourned the loss of our dreams for ourselves and our family. Somewhere in there though we both knew that we were called for greater plans than what we ever had for ourselves. All we ever wanted in life was to have a family and raise them. Never did we have aspirations to be a mover and a shaker or to change the world. Somehow and somewhere in it all, God acknowledged our faith and called us to do much more with our lives. Never would we have chosen this path nor would we be here surviving such trials, it is only with his grace and love that we stand stronger than ever before.

I often think back on all that has transpired and can see exactly how things have lead into another to get us where we are. Two years ago when Hugh lost his job it was hard but somehow we just were not devastated by it all. My faith had changed at that point because of all that had transpired with Joshua and learning that I have no control over things so all I can do is put it in God's hands and wait for his direction. I have come to know in a great way that God provides. We may not have what we want but we have what we need.

The day that I held George in my arms almost a year ago, I knew he would leave us. Anyone who does not believe this can ask my sister Tara whom I had a conversation with only weeks before George died. To this day I know she is in awe with the fact that I knew that and had shared it with her such a short time before he passed. Somewhere in all of this, I learned that those "gut instincts" are God calling and talking to you. Sometimes it is in whispers and you have to truly learn to listen and trust. Even George dying, I knew there was more to it than I will ever know. I don't profess to understand any of it but I will place it in his hands and wait for his guidance as I walk blindly in faith through the dark. I could elaborate more but I would probably have the longest blog in history and truly what you to think of how this may apply to your life.

Think about your own life and roads you have traveled. Can you see the lines connecting the dots? Ever look at a connect the dot picture with tons of numbers to it? Did you sit there and look to see if you could tell what the picture is but not be able to so you have to actually work the puzzle itself? I believe that is sort of what life is. I hope this clarifies things a little and helps you to take a look at your own relationships that you have lost or that are changing and be ok with it rather than sad that things are different or are no longer there. Faith is what it is all about and it is such a powerful thing when used correctly.