Happy 1st Birthday!

Today is your first birthday. I remember that morning like it was yesterday. Daddy had spent the night at St. Christopher's with Michael for his sleep study. They walked in the door bright and early. I had been up a little while, not in terrible pain but just feeling kind of funny. After daddy was home a little while I looked at him and told him I thought we were going to be headed to the hospital. He stared at me in disbelief since I was not scheduled for my C-section for a little over another week!

I called the doctors office and they told me to head over to the hospital right away! We called Uncle Tony to come and watch your big brothers and headed to the hospital. It was quite a ride full of lots of contractions but more filled with the excitement and anticipation of meeting you finally! Who would you look like? Would you have mommy's eyes or daddy's nose? We couldn't wait to find out!

We got there and registered and were put into a room to wait to see if I was in "real labor" That young nurse told me that they were not sure if I was really in labor and they had to wait for the docs who were in an Emergency C-section. All three of my docs were there that day. They must not have known I was there yet because as they walked past the door they saw me and all came in and asked "What are you doing here?" I looked at the physician who had seen me the day before and told him "I told you yesterday this baby was not going to wait until the day they scheduled me for!" They didn't even bother to see if I was in labor and had them prep me for my c-section.

It took a few nurses to start my IV and I had been in labor for a few hours and by that point was having some very hard contractions. Right before they took my back I had a very rough one and my water broke...the first time ever for me but I knew exactly what it was. The nurse didn't believe me or that I was in so much pain that I couldn't walk to the OR. Once they checked they took me seriously and got me a wheelchair. We were met my the nurses and the anesthesiologist who was trying hard to make my spinal take so I could stay awake to see you born. As they tried to get me to lay down I had the worlds worst contraction and they all had to push me down so the medicine would take, that is probably the only time I ever screamed during labor...I was always a quite laborer. Daddy waited patiently outside as the docs were getting ready to come bring you into this world. The spinal didn't take all the way so our last resort was an epidural...success.

Daddy was brought into the room and sat on a stool at my head ready this time to take pictures and video of your birth. You are the only child who we actually have a video of their first cry...I cannot tell you how much it meant to me then but how much more it means even now. Dr. McCullen and Dr. McCrosson delivered you and you let out your first cry. They rushed over to clean you off and wrap you up. Although you were not a happy camper, you calmed down right away, I knew then you were a quiet little guy and couldn't wait to see you again myself. Finally daddy brought you over and held you close to my head so I could kiss you and have a good look at that little monkey who had been doing flips in my belly for the past few months. One of the OR nurses took our first picture together as your parents with you...I cherish that photo more than anyone will ever know.

In my opinion, I knew you were going to look like your big brother Joshua...boy was I right! I wanted to hold you so bad but all I could do was touch your perfect little face under the hat and blanket. You were taken to the nursery and I was taken to recovery...I felt then as if part of me was missing...never did I anticipate that most of my life I would come to feel that way. They got me settled in my room and cleaned up so that I was ready to finally meet you. I cannot describe what it was like to hold you for the first time. There was nothing more precious than that very moment other than your first cry. Daddy was there and the two of us just enjoyed you and bonded with you. I knew you were special from the beginning...you were truly my gift!

Memom and Richard came up to see you first and than everyone else followed in suite...Uncle Tony and Nicole, Aunt Tara, and of course Joshua and Michael. We hid you under the blanket as you laid on my belly where you grew. Josh and Michael came in looking all over for you...finally Joshua walked up to me and asked where you were and pulled the blanket back looking for my belly. There you were and his big blue eyes fell in love with you the moment he laid them on you. He hugged and kissed you and would have picked you up and walked around the room with you if it was possible. Michael was a little freaked out and kind of apprehensive but warmed up after a little coaxing. I have the only picture of me with my boys at that moment and then we all took our first family picture.

The days following we didn't have many visitors. Daddy was such a trooper and even though he wanted to be there with us, he knew he had to watch your brothers. He would pack them up every day to come up and visit us, which was no easy task! We have some of the best pictures of you with your brothers and daddy during those moments. You and I had plenty of time together to get to know one another and we did just that for the 4 days we were there. Of course being a 4 time mommy I was smart and sent you to the nursery so that I could sleep, knowing that I would get no sleep once I was home! You took everything in stride and had such a laid back personality. I could just hug and cuddle you while you slept and fed you while you were awake.

We went home on the 13th. Daddy came to pick us up and we went to get your brother's from Memom's house. Aunt Heidi and Cousin Ashley were there with Dunkin Doughnuts as usual. We stayed briefly and then went home to settle in. You fit right in and were meant to be there with us all. It was such a blessing to have you as part of our family and you never had more love than what was given at home with us. Joshua was incessant with having to hug/kiss/hold you. I always said there was a thing as too much love! Little did we know, we just had to give you all our love in a shorter amount of time and I think God knew that and that is why you were loved so greatly in those few short months!

Never in my lifetime, looking back, would I have thought you would not be here to celebrate your 1st birthday with us. I cannot tell you how very empty it feels to not have you here on a daily basis but most of all today. I would always tease how you were born this day so that I would remember your birthday 09/09/09 with you being the 4th child! Never did I think it would have so much meaning a year later. You should be eating your first birthday cake(I know it sounds stupid but I am so thankful that you did have birthday cake...daddy's, since it was his birthday the day before you went to heaven) and getting ready for a party but instead we are trying to find ways to honor your memory and are getting ready to hold a fundraiser for a bereavement camp.

All of that said, I am not mad at God. I know you were only on loan from him. Many anticipate that they leave this world before their child but that was just not in God's plan for us. I knew you were leaving before me, I just think I never anticipated it to be like this or so soon. You were so precious and my kindred spirit, a feeling I never had before with anyone in my life. I know that there was just so much more planned than we knew and sometimes people need a tragedy like this to open their eyes to the world. God knew daddy and I would be able to handle this and get through it together while others would have fallen apart. He walks with us every day and carries us on days like today when our hearts shatter all over again wishing you were here with us. We find refuge in his strength!

We know you are in heaven and that you are preparing a place for us to join you some day. There is a reason behind it all and we put our faith in the Lord and know he sees the bigger picture. We will always remember you and although you had a short life, you have accomplished more than some people do in 50, 60, 70, or more years. You have touched so many lives with your journey to heaven being so much sooner than people think. There are so many life lessons coming to people on a daily basis, loved ones and strangers.

I put together a tribute video for you since I cannot give you a gift or a hug or kiss today. It turned out beautifully and we will play it at your "party" on Saturday for people to see. I asked God to hold you today and give you a kiss and hug from me and all your family and asked him to sing my special song to you just as I would have if you were here. Happy 1st Birthday my little monkey in heaven. XOXOXO