Your Birthday

Yesterday was a very difficult day. We had planned to do something but somehow it just never happened. I think we were just in a funk and couldn't get out of it. We did go to Friendly's with Memom and the boys for lunch. So very different than I ever thought it would ever be. Several friends and family left messages on my facebook page, stopped by with a gift, or sent a card/gift to the house. It was nice when a friend from Florida called and had her ex husband drop flowers and a monkey off to us. Another friend stopped by with balloons, bubbles, and a toy for the boys. We had flowers sent and an online card from Hallmark and a handmade card from a young lady in college who was touched by our family. My mom went to lunch with us and my sister Tara stopped by last night with her husband. Other than that we just trudged through the day that should have been a happy event but brought a sadness to both Hugh and I.

I could not bring myself to cook dinner and there was no cake or anything of that nature like I had wanted to do. We did get balloons for the fundraiser tomorrow. I just didn't have it in me to do any of that dispite the fact I wanted to, it became more like another day other than the fact that my heart just ached even more than it did before. With all that I am doing for the fundraiser I just didn't have the energy to do the things I had wanted to, it saddens me a little but I can't change it. I hope he understands that I wanted to do more for him but I just couldn't. Part of you wants to do it but the realistic part just says why burden yourself, it won't bring him back. It is so hard to have a birthday for a child who never had one and isn't there. In some ways it seems as if they just never existed or that it was all just a dream. By the end of the day I was so exhausted emotionally I felt like I had been hit by a bus and called it a night earlier than normal.

For those who actually thought of my husband thank you! He had very few messages left for him on Facebook and no calls to check on him and what support he did get came from my friends and family. My heart broke last night as he looked at me and said that I was lucky to at least have some sort of support. He tried to say it in a joking way but I knew he was hurt and his heart was just broken for the very sad realization of his personal situation on a day he needed support. I wish I could be all those people he needs to be there and it makes my heart so heavy to know I can't for I would do anything for him.

There is this great poem that I posted a while back and it is so true. My sister recently reposted it on Hugh's Facebook page and I wanted to post it here again to let him know how much I recognize his pain and how George was as much his son as he was mine. I thank God for him every day because I have no idea how I would do this without him but I also acknowledge how very difficult it is for any father who looses a child and how often times people forget them. I am so thankful for my friends and family who did remember him and acknowledge his need for love and support on such a difficult day.

Untitled Poem

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
but "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave--
He lost his baby too.

Author Unknown

On the way to lunch, I had a conversation with Joshua that just broke my heart. My mom was talking to Hugh about something(I don't even remember or even know if I was listening to be honest) Joshua turned to me and asked me if Georgie was coming back today since it was his birthday. He said to me that we come down from heaven on our birthdays so he can now come back to live with us. If that doesn't make someones heart break, I don't know what will. I had no idea what to say to him other than that his brother could not come back home to be with us even on his birthdays. Michael of course chimed in saying God could put him back in my belly and I could go back to the hospital. I told him Gabrielle was there now and that God was going to keep George in heaven. Then he looked up with those beautiful little innocent eyes and says he could put two babies there. Again I gently tried to explain death to a three and five year old...what a horrible task for anyone to have to do but a parent who lost a child trying to explain it to them is even harder and so very emotional. God I wish it was that easy. I wish I did not have to answer questions like these and try to explain something I don't understand myself.

To them, heaven is much like Disney World. It is a place where great things are and you go there with people you love. God is Mickey Mouse who can do anything and runs the place. He makes all the rules and the one rule is that everyone is happy and life is good! They think you can just get in the car and drive there or go to get the person you are missing but it doesn't really work that way. I hate to compare heaven to Disney but to a kid that sort of fantasy and awe is the only close comparison I can come up with or think of for a child. Life and death are just not that simple but I wish it were for moments like these.

Tomorrow is the fundraiser. I really hope that people come to it for many reasons but more for the boys sake. They are really excited and want there to be lots of people there. I honestly don't have any clue how many people will show but I try to remain optimistic for their sake. It has taken so much work and effort on my part but I would do anything for them and to try and help them through all of this. I've come to put it all in God's hands and whatever happens will happen. George's death taught me to not sweat the small stuff and whatever will be will be, it is in God's plan.

Being the sole organizer to something like this on top of being pregnant, mourning my son, and just being a mom has proven to be a challenge on every single level. Please pray for our event, it is going to be a beautiful day for it. I know it will all come together and no matter how many people come it is a success because we decided to do something rather than nothing and follow our hearts towards something that was placed there to help others. I wish more people could do that sort of thing and look past themselves to make this world a better place, what a world it would be that we lived in than. In the end that is why heaven exists though, right?