Fairness?

Sometimes I truly question God's plan for things. I seriously try and put things in his hands and know that there is a greater purpose but that does not mean that I understand any of it at times. How is it that we keep getting crap dumped on us and did nothing to provoke it and yet others who knowingly did something wrong seem to still make out in the end? I have watched my husband struggle for the past two years looking for a job and enduring criticism form those who don't understand any of it and than others just happen to have stuff fall in their laps. It is so frustrating and hard at times to really wrap my head around it all.

It is so hurtful to know that there are also people out there who will use our son's death to their benefit. They may not have ever known him but somehow think it ok to use his death to their benefit when they are in a sticky situation. There have been several occasions where we found out after the fact that someone used his death to their advantage and never even bothered to ask us if it was ok or even bother to tell us, we happened to find out by accident. I cannot tell you how very hurtful it is to have this happen and still try to find a way to try and find some sort of understanding. It may sound stupid to others but it is like someone defiling someones grave and just pours salt on an open wound. How could you use our dead son as your excuse in life to get out of a bad situation that you got yourself into? I just don't get it and somehow cannot get past it even though I really try hard to do so. Hugh and I both feel this way and don't know how to really cope or deal with this sort of thing once we find out about it all. It's like it is ok to them and they somehow justify it. I don't think I will ever get it.

Many days I ask God why he keeps testing us...haven't we been through enough? Even if there is a need for this do we also have to deal with those who are not understanding and criticize us every single step of the way without truly knowing all behind things? How is that others who cause their own life grief seem to come out on top still? We keep having things dumped on us by no fault of our own and yet somehow are still expected to keep going and not be angry or upset about these things. I really don't understand any of it at times. Wasn't our son dying enough? Wasn't our kids having an illness enough? I often wonder when will it all be enough...how much more are we expected to endure.

We often put the needs of others ahead of our own and have found that many of our relationships are one sided. It is sad to wake up and realize that not only is your son dead but you somehow lost everything that you thought you had or just came to the realization none of it was real. Coming to this realization at such a tragic time in life just makes you feel even worse than you would had it only been the one loss. Life can just be so damn unfair at times and makes you ponder God's plans for your life.

That of course has nothing to do with your faith. Both Hugh and I have a strong unwavering faith however that does not mean we don't question the purpose of all our suffering and pain. After trying to always do the right and just things in life we have come to realize that that doesn't always mean it will be fair. At moments like these I think of Job and ask where in the world did he get his strength but also know that he too didn't get it either. His faith did not waiver. I guess there are just things we are not meant to understand. I keep telling myself we don't have to live with the guilt and shame that others will have to live with(if they feel any at all) and don't have to answer for some day. Sometimes it doesn't mean much but I guess that is all we have at times to get us through things like this.