The past couple of days all I can think about are all the things we did/didn't with George or the impending trip that he will not be on and the impending holidays along with his very first heavenly birthday. All of this seems so overwhelming as they all follow in suite one after another with barely any time in between to cope or get a break from the energy I know they will require just to survive. We are however not the kind of people to just "survive" we are the kind that need to find good in all this bad stuff happening to us. Often times I sit there thinking and getting sad but don't want to be sad and try to find a way to make it as happy as possible dispite the fact we cannot run from the pain and heaviness in our hearts.
I still have no idea what to really do with any of the holidays. Both Hugh and I feel so very overwhelmed with them all. Decorating for Halloween was hard enough to think about the other ones coming is just so insanely difficult. We know if we do what we always do that we will just plaster on that happy face and barely make it through. For whatever reason the movie Home Alone 2 keeps coming to mind. The kid is all alone and his family comes to spend it with him. They wake up in the morning to find the whole hotel room decorated with tons of gifts under a tree, all of which were not there the day before. What I would not give for that sort of fairytale this year. Not having to worry about anything and the whole thing just magically appearing! Such a nice dream but surely far from our reality!
It also makes me think of all the things I had wished I had done with George. We did not go pumpkin picking with him last year thinking he would be older this year. For Christmas he didn't get much since we did not have much money and people kept telling me that he would not know the difference. Although I felt much guilt I tried to justify that he would have his turn and that I would make it up to him someday. Now I will never do any of those things and missed my chance to do any of it with him and will probably always feel bad about it even though logically I know he never did know the difference. I am so glad that when we were in Disney I listened to myself and bought him a dinosaur and set of ears just like his big brothers. We didn't have much money then but something compelled me to do it for him and I thank God that I did and that we have those few things that were his from such a special time. I am so glad we took him even if he did sleep most of the time!
His one year heavenly birthday has really been weighing on me. I don't know exactly why since there is some time between now and then and a lot going on in between. Part of it is because the day before is Hugh's birthday and my heart just breaks for him to know not one from here on in will ever really be truly joyous. Every single day that was even possibly special will now bring him pain. I know it was hard for me on my birthday to not have him here but cannot imagine the upset and pain Hugh's will now carry as he knows that was the last time our little boy was alive. How do I fix that? I can't and I have no idea how to even make it remotely better for him at all and I just hurt for him knowing how very alone he will feel that day and how hard it is going to be for us all.
That being said, it brings us to the day following, which brings another host of emotions and sadness for us. Last night as I sat there trying to think of how to make it even a little better, it finally came to me. I asked Hugh what he thought of having Gabrielle baptized that day. At first he kind of looked at me odd and once he thought about it we could not think of a better way to celebrate that day. It was the day George was actually baptized the year before but only after the doctors had pronounced him dead and a local minister we did not know came in and did it with the nurses, Hugh and I, and my sister Michelle in the room(I think...much of that part of it is a blur for me as I sat there in disbelief that this was really happening to us).
I know he went to heaven that day even though he was not baptized prior even though I will always wish we had done so. I have always looked at baptisms as a new birth. For me they are a birth in to God's family and I cannot think of a better way to bring something good to such a tragic day. George was born into heaven that day and Gabrielle will be brought into God's family that day too. We had to check with our church since we know they usually do it during a Sunday service. Hugh and I both knew having her baptized was going to be extremely difficult for us anyway and were actually not looking forward to doing it in such a large atmosphere dispite the fact that we love our church and those there. Doing it this way we can just invite a few close family members and church members that we feel close to and have found to be supportive through this whole ordeal. They got back to me and said we can do it that day! I am so excited and happy to be able to do it this way.
Hugh and I are still very up in the air about Godparents for Gabrielle. This is a decision we do not take lightly since finding our faith. It is such a huge thing for us since we want these people to be part of our children's lives and there are a few we have chosen for the other boys who really aren't. At the time it seemed like a good choice, and who knows, maybe someday it will all work out but it has certainly made us look closer especially after all that has transpired since George died. This is even a bigger decision for us than ever before, maybe because we do realize how precious life is and how much we want our children to know God/Jesus and find faith for themselves. It has been the sole thing that has helped is through all these trials and I want them to have the tools to make those decisions for themselves someday.
Had George not died, I don't know if I could say Gabrielle would be here. That is just the God's honest truth. We always wanted more kids but we never would have probably had one so soon after just having a baby. In a way George gave his sister the gift of life the day he found eternal life so I just can't see a more fitting way to celebrate both of them and turn it into something positive for us all. Now I am going to start thinking about the logistics of it all. I am really glad they are going to let us do it on the 29th though and help us to do this all in a way that seems to be helpful for us. We truly are blessed to be able to remember George and also celebrate Gabrielle and how God has a plan for each of them and that they are both his children.
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