Yesterday was a hard day for me. We went to Downtown Disney to take the boys on the balloon they have there and T-rex. Unfortunately the balloon was not working so the trip was sort of a bust. I hadn't thought much about going there prior to going so I wasn't really prepared to be hit by it so emotionally. That was the one place we had a picture taken of our family in front of the water fountain. I actually had it made into a quilt for Hugh for Father's Day this year.
As we walked into the T-rex restaurant we walked past the table we had sat at just a few months ago with out little boy. All I could think of was how he was alive and he was here. How did we go from that to this? The food was good and we left but did not go into the gift shop where we had made him a stuffed dinosaur just like his brothers. Our old dog had chewed it's eyes and made us upset since it was really the only thing we had gotten him down here the last time we were here. I was not sure if I wanted to get one for Gabrielle but just didn't know if I felt like going back in there and having the kids make her one. I'm sure we will come back once she is here though and then we can make her one.
We headed over to the place where the balloon was at. I was fine on the walk until we got to the spot that we had sat and waited for Josh and my dad to take the ride. All that ran through my head was how I was feeding him and he was in his stroller and I had taken his picture. We waited and I held him. His beautiful smile and face just kept going through my mind. I was so thankful that I had a pair of sunglasses for the moments where it became so much tears would well up in my eyes as I thought of him and how much I truly missed him. Thankfully there were some shops around and I took a walk and looked through them.
My last walk was past the fountain. They were doing work on it so seeing it wasn't so bad but still brought that picture back to my mind. I then decided I wanted to find a picture frame here to put that picture in, the one of me with George in front of the castle, and the new one I took of his hat at the beach. There happened to be a little shop right near where we were leaving and I bought one of the photo frames in there and will have to look for the two other ones on the rest of our trip.
I know we will have lots of these first moments. The boys are so excited and have really enjoyed being here so I know it is not a place we can just avoid. All of these firsts are so hard to do even though we know they must be done. I hate at times that we have to do these things and know this sort of life/pain...it truly is like nothing I have ever felt before. The moments take you by surprise and hit you like a brick. It is like someone knocks the breath from you. I miss him so much and wish he was here with us, I want him back in the worst way even though I know it is selfish of me to want that.
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