It has been 9 months since George went to heaven and it is no easier today than it was the day we said goodbye to him. In some ways it is even worse than it was that day. I cannot get rid of the horrible memories that still haunt me and will for the rest of my life. There are days it doesn't seem real and others where it is all too real! I don't know which way is better to be honest.
We spent the day today in the Magic Kingdom. It was a good day and the boys had a blast but it just seemed happy and sad at the same time. We enjoyed watching them have fun but knew part of us was missing as we relived moments we had with him in December. I talked to a man from Texas and was telling him about George as we waited for Josh to come off of Space Mountain(yes at 5 he rode that ride!). It was nice to be able to talk about him but sad too as I watched other children that are the age he would have been or were the age he was when we were there in December. It just leaves you with this empty feeling or just a feeling of sheer pain in your heart.
I did get him two ornaments for his Christmas tree while we were here. Last year I really didn't get him an ornament saying first Christmas...not one that I really liked anyway. Today I went in and bought a baby's first Christmas ornament with Mickey on it. I got to the desk and the girl commented on it and I asked her if she happened to have any old ornaments from last year and she said no. I figured so but at least I asked and got this one where I can put 2009 on it myself and put his picture in it. I had looked for a Mickey tree topper for his tree but it was just way to expensive coming in at around $35. I also purchased a few photo frames to put the pics in from our last visit and a pic of his hat here at Disney this time around. Every part of me wishes he was here wearing it. I cannot tell you how many people gave us odd looks as I took his hat to certain places and took a picture of it. None of them probably even knew the meaning behind it as they looked at me oddly. No parent should ever have to really do this sort of thing. At least we have gotten this set of firsts out of the way so hopefully the next trip here won't be as bad.
We head home tomorrow. Hugh will start his new jobs on Tuesday. I think we are both very anxious about it for good and bad reasons. Tomorrow we celebrate our 6 year wedding anniversary. I have no idea where time went or how we survived all that we have in the past 6 years. It seems as if it was just yesterday yet so far away as I think of the people we were then and are now. We have have our worlds turned upside down and are completely different people than we were back then...I thought things were tough then...boy was I wrong. I just thank God for the marriage we have and all the blessings we have been given despite all the garbage also thrown our way. There are times I would give anything to go back to that time and others I know we are better people because of our trials.
The past two years especially have been difficult. It is 2 years today that my grandmother returned to heaven, it will be 2 years a month from now when my grandfather followed her, and a year on Nov 15 th since Hugh's dad died too. So much loss in such a short time. I think about it all the time and how these past few years have just been a non stop whirlwind at times where I just pray for a break in the chaos at some point in time. Often times I feel like I am only allowed up for a quick breath only to be brought back to the same place I was just holding on for dear life trying to make the best out of bad situations. It becomes quite exhausting after a while. We will be facing much change in the coming months and I am really praying that it is all positive change and we are able to overcome this constant battle for just the "simple life" Either way we always make the best of it all and will still find a way even if we don't get that break ever in our lives.
Please keep us in your prayers as we travel home.
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