All day today all I could think of was my little boy. My heart has been aching so badly for him today for some unknown reason. I think it is probably because Gabrielle is getting close to the age he was when he died. Part of me couldn't remember what he weighed exactly and if he was the same size as she is or not. I had to pull his autopsy report to remember exactly...I was pretty sure he was 13 lbs but couldn't remember the ozs. There again in black and white is the reminder that he is forever gone and he had weighed 13lbs 13ozs...how could I ever forgotten that? Find any irony in that? I surely do!
Many of my memories have faded yet there are still a few I can vividly remember. I remember going into labor with him and Hugh walking in the door from Michael's sleep study exhausted. As I looked at his tired face I had to tell him I thought I was in labor. We were off to the hospital and I remember the ride there since it was my first ride that was more than a block long...I don't remember the whole thing but I remember a call from my mom as we were turning a bend. I remember the doctors faces in disbelief as they saw me in a bed at the hospital waiting for someone to come and check in on me. All three of them walked over to my bed and asked me what I was doing there...I just told them, "I told you he wasn't waiting!" He had to come on a day that I would remember after having so many big brothers. I always thought that the date 09/09/09 would be a date I would never forget little did I know how true that would be.
I remember the docs in the OR, and the anesthesia not taking and being in so much pain as they laid me down on the OR table and actually screaming. I remember Hugh coming in and taking pictures, and his first cry still rings in my head vividly, and our very first picture with him that a nurse took for us. Once I was back to my room, my mom had come up and I was so glad to have her there. They finally brought him to me and I will never forget holding him for the very first time and that bond I instantly had with him. My mom sat at my bedside and I handed him to her as tears welled up in her eyes and she said how he was named after her father and how great of a man he was going to be because of it. He never did get to find out if he was.
Richard came in and he was such a proud big brother, holding George like a pro! My brother and his GF came in and brought Michael and Josh with them. We pretended like George wasn't born yet. George was tucked on my belly with a light sheet over him. They were not fooled and the minute they realized something was up, they started to look for him and Josh pulled back the cover. I will never forget his face. I remember the family photo and the only picture I have of all my boys together. Most of the time following his days at home are all pretty fuzzy. I do remember the day he came home and how we went to my mom's right after we left and my aunt and cousin were there. There is one night early on that I had him with me downstairs and I just held him and cuddled him and thanked God for him.
I remember Christmas day. I remember taking him to my grandparents resting place to meet them not long before he died. The trip to Disney I don't forget and I actually remember quite a bit of that trip with him. He was such a trooper on that long drive! Ironically the boys remember a lot from that trip...I can't thank God enough for that time together as a family before he took him. It was like he gave us all our last moments with George and we didn't know it at the time but looking back now I know exactly what they were. Mine was the night before he died when I picked him up and played with him...a moment I will never forget and that I am so thankful for.
Ironically I can't get the days of his death and those following out of my mind. I was talking to Richard today after his counseling session and we talked about how things have become so fuzzy and you try as hard as you can to remember every single moment. One part of you feels guilty for not remembering every moment since there were only 4 months for you to remember. Each fleeting memory is like another piece of him you feel you have lost. It is often an odd feeling and not knowing what to do with those feelings sometimes is hard. I have found that talking about it does help and often times I find that Richard and I tend to talk to one another about those days without having to worry about upsetting someone and we can actually voice our individual pains to one another and it helps the other know they are not alone. At first I didn't think it was right to talk about it with Richard but I am finding it now that it is healing for him and for me in our own ways since we both viewed things from different perspectives.
All that said, life moves on without George in it here on Earth. Today the boys and I took full advantage of the beautiful weather. We all played tag out in front of my mom's house. The boys even invited the new neighbor(an older man) and had him acting like he was a child again. I took some pictures of Gabrielle and the boys outside. There were fleeting moments where I felt as if there should have been a little boy toddling around and felt him missing but then I thought about how he shines through their smiles and their laughs. These moments are what it is all about and no matter what happened to George and no matter what I can or can't remember of it, I at least know he knew nothing but happiness and love and in some ways I find comfort in that although I long to remember every blessed moment that I had with him. My arms but most of all my heart will always ache to hold him again...but it gives me something to look forward to rather than fear when God calls me home.
I also wanted to let those who read know that I have changed the settings so you can leave comments if you would like to. When I originally set this page up I had that option but someone had left an inappropriate comment and I shut it down since at the time there was no way for me to edit it and take it off. I didn't need the sort of comments left and will delete anything I deem inappropriate but if you feel compelled to write a message please feel free. Most people did not recognize the guestbook we had to the right side...I am going to leave it up since I often write messages to George in there when I miss him. Today I do have two postings...it was such an emotional day from start to finish!
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