Obstacles

Time and time again, Hugh and I have run into obstacle after obstacle. This has become so common for us, that we are both always waiting for the other shoe to drop. We thought that loosing our son was the worst but add in all the other stuff we are going through right now with the house, our boys, and my own health and there are moments we are both just overwhelmed and just don't know what else to do.

We had two things that we were waiting on hoping for a positive result from but neither did so disappointment just runs heavy here right now. Often times it seems so hard to hold out hope for something good to happen in life. We of course keep trudging through it all and I am thankful I am not alone on this path but I wouldn't wish this for anyone. I guess these are the moments that we have to pull from our faith and trust God even though it is hard to do so right now as we wonder why in the world are we being put through so much. I often ask God "Wasn't my son dying enough for me to go through?" That being said, even though my heart is heavy I am still pushing through and doing what I do best and that is still reaching out in ways that I can.

Today I spent the day trying to finish cleaning the kitchen that I have been trying to do for the last two days. One way or another something is going to happen with our house and I want to be prepared to loose it and be ready to pack at a moments notice, as heartbreaking as it i, I have to be ready for that. In the middle of it all, I have been making dinner for a local family that we have befriended after the mother passed away unexpectedly. I am hoping that they are doing better than when I left them about two weeks ago after dropping off a meal then. We have made friends and hope to be a resource for them in their time of need.

Hugh is going to take the meal to them and meet the dad since he is off. I think that it will be good for the two of them to meet and maybe find a common ground. Men grieve differently on so many levels. Last night Hugh and I talked about that. I told him I don't know how he makes it through the days the way he does when all I want to do is cry and fall apart a good chunk of them. As time has gone it has gotten to be less but it never seemed like it was an issue for him like it is for me. We discussed how he tries to not think about it in order to function where I feel better after crying through it all. For the first time we talked about what he went through when he found George and what he felt. My heart just broke for him as he recounted the events he witnessed that day.

So often I watch this man struggle time and time again only trying to achieve the simple things in life. He has not been fortunate enough to have a great education and has had to rely mainly on himself throughout his whole life. Now that he has a family, not only does he worry about things for himself but more for us all. As I sat there watching his eyes as we talked about our son and the difficulty of our lives, I ached for him on such a different level than ever before. I have always been fortunate enough to have a close family and although not perfect, we have always come together and come through in some capacity. Holidays are always spent together and although it is hard to talk to one another sometimes, especially where George is concerned, we do. We have all had our differences and fights but unfortunately for Hugh, he has always felt alone with siblings much older than he was who all had one another and really each have their own separate lives. Neither one of us blame any of them, we understand the circumstances that created the situations and we love them all for who they are just as I love my own family, but it is just different and often times Hugh feels so very alone. I actually imagine that it has got to be the way Richard feels at times being so much older than his brothers and having a different father even though we never make it an issue.

That all said, I just ask for you to keep Hugh in your prayers as he walks this path. He strubbles so much and carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. With the hopes we had dashed yet again, I know he is aching even more right now. As always I ask for prayers for the rest of us and also the family that we are taking a meal to tonight. May we all continue to have faith and trust in God's plan for each of us because we cannot always see the bigger picture. Sometimes our biggest disappointments in life can be God's greatest gift in the end, even though it doesn't always seem like it is.