Unexpected

So often there are moments that come unexpectedly. The further out you get from the person's death, I think the harder the unexpected moments happen to be, at least for me they are. You have gotten accustom to living life without the person in it so when sudden memories or thoughts of the individual penetrate your mind, you are taken back in such a way that you are not ever prepared for. I don't know why this week has been a hard week for me but it really has been.

The other night my sister called since she is doing the March of Dimes walk and they have named their team "Team George" to honor our monkey. Every single part of me wants to walk and take part but I just can't do it. Physically and emotionally I am just spent. She called to see if I wanted to participate in a carnation ceremony that they have for those who have lost children and as much as I wanted to, I just couldn't do it. I asked her to do it on our behalf and then just started to cry.

The days before were no better and I sat here at home and cried numerous times as I would think of my son. My heart just aches to hold him and not carry this type of sadness. Finally I sat down and was trying to figure out what had triggered the spiral I found myself in. It went back to last weekend when I went hunting for a video game my nephew wanted to borrow. Richard of course couldn't find it in his mess of a room so I had to go hunting. I went into the closet and found 3 totes and as I looked in them I realized they were clothes I had put aside for George to use. They were sitting right on top of the toddler bed that I had kept for him.

I was short on time and just ran the games to my nephew and didn't think twice about it at that moment. Later on though I could not get the image out of my mind of those totes and the toddler bed that he never got to use. He should be here using them and my heart just hurts at the very thought of it. Never will he be able to play with his big brothers and little sister to get to know them and create memories with him in them anymore. Now we have these incomplete memories knowing that something is always missing and it is George. Something so simple as old hand me down clothes and a toddler bed can bring about so much heart ache and was just something I was not prepared for.

My sister asked if I wanted to talk about George and I said "No", she asked if there was anything she could do and again I said "No" as tears just rolled from my eyes. I tried to collect myself but just told her I had to go and thanked her for the call and told her it was just a bad week for me. With that I had Richard keep an eye on Gabby since she was sleeping so I could just get a shower and let out my heartache there without having to answer to anyone or try to explain what I was going through. I just stood there in the warm water with the salty warm tears rolling down my face as I asked God to hold me and take the pain away.

I collected myself and got dressed. With that, I went to take my medicine for the night and the thunder rolled outside when suddenly my side door opened. Standing there in the doorway in her pajamas was my sister. Part of me felt bad that she drove all the way over while the other part of me was just so grateful that she was there. I stood there and just sobbed in her arms as I know tears rolled down her cheeks too. It was one of those moments where you can't keep anything back and you find yourself just sobbing uncontrollably. Shortly after Richard came in the room and Hugh had come home. Part of me wishes that it had just remained my sister and I because I can be myself around her and let her in on my pain. With Hugh and Richard now each in the picture I felt like I had to yet again pull it together like I do every single day.

I think I have just had my plate so full for so long. All of it has been so overwhelming lately and all I want to do is be alone and not have any responsibilities for a while. None of that is really possible since I am a mom, wife, daughter, sister, etc. The boys have been trying my patience, Gabrielle has been fussy, and Hugh works crazy hours and doesn't have time to do much around here. That leaves it all on my shoulders to take care of everything along with not feeling well physically, and it just all adds up to a not optimal circumstance.

It is sad that I am actually looking forward to surgery on Tuesday. The reason is more because I won't have any responsibilities or worries for the short time I am in surgery and have a real reason that others have to step in and help out. Once I am out and home things will go back to normal and I will be super woman yet again having to do it all once again. Even after major surgery, I still have to do laundry, make dinner, and all sorts of other stuff...there is no rest for the weary. I'm hoping that being out of pain will help me to get things back on track and feel a little more in control of things again.

Then again, I just don't know if this is one of those phases that people tend to go through after such a great loss. It is kind of like they come and go. Somehow you tend to be able to function and move forward only to find in moments like these that you feel as if you take 10 steps back. Often times I find you rebound 10 fold but while in transition it just seems so very overwhelming and moments of feeling completely lost and helpless. Right now every part of me wants to be in bed with no one here at home and just sleep the day away without having any cares/worries in the world. If only life was really that simple sometimes...but it really isn't unfortunately. For now I will carry my heavy heart and work through things one moment at a time and keep the faith that God is with me through all of this even when it seems as if I am alone.

I did want to share the thing I miss the most, his beautiful smiling face/laugh and having him tucked under my chin all curled up comfy(God had etched that place out just for him, I had such a connection with him that no matter how lousy he felt, it always calmed him to hold him lik that)...what I wouldn't give to have that back again...for now I am left with memories and pictures...only wishing for more and looking forward to the day I am with him again. Sending up kisses and hugs to heaven as I miss everything about my little monkey!