Heaven

Life has surely not been easy for any of us; before George died it was hard but especially now after, it has been even more complicated. Yesterday Richard's counselor confirmed what I thought and also think for myself, he has post traumatic stress disorder. This is the same disorder that comes home with many soldiers at war. It is still a pretty new disorder when compared to many others and comes with it's own complications. I know how hard it is for me so I can only imagine what it is like for Richard. My heart breaks for anyone who also endures this nightmare of a disorder on a daily basis just like we do. I wish there was a simple fix or pill we could just take but there isn't and finding docs well versed in it is not an easy thing either but especially due to our insurance, our walk is even more complicated. Anything can trigger it and you relive the moments in your head just as you did the day they happened.

For me I relive this moments over and over again whenever triggered and try to think of all those mom's and dads and others suffering with this sort of thing just like I do and my heart just breaks for them. It is so unfair to have to watch your child die and then people expect you to somehow get over and through it. You are just never the same ever again. We had no choice in any of this and would give anything to not have these memories and our children back in our arms. After reliving this and thinking of others I often times have to ask Why? I don't really get any of it but have to rely on my faith and that I just don't see the bigger picture. Then I will get mad in general at the human race for being so screwed up that this sort of thing has to be endured and God sees reasons for these sorts of things. I still have never been mad at God directly because I get it but than in another sense I don't.

Going back to the bible I think of how he must have felt. He had to knowingly sacrifice his child for the benefit of us all and our sinful ways. I think of my son and how often times I know lives were changed by his death but sad by the fact it took my son's life to change the lives of others. Why couldn't we learn in a different way? I think of my dad who has no idea what he believes and how sad I am for him and often wonder if all we are going through is because God is calling him through us. My dad has changed so much over the years, for the better, but most of it has come through my children for some reason. Is loosing our son and now our house God's way of helping my father listen to his calling? I really don't know but would I endure all this pain just so my father can know God and give up my son's life here on Earth for my father's eternal life and never be upset about that. It really made me think a lot about how God must have felt knowing there was no other way to save the lives of those he loved here on Earth. The thought is such a powerful one.

After much contemplation about the pain of loosing a child and having to live with the memories of watching him die, I wondered how God handled watching Christ suffer and die on the cross. For some reason, the song Ten Thousand Angels Cried came to mind...I knew this song from years ago and always loved it then but now it truly has a different meaning. I've also just finished this book called Heaven is for Real...a little boys close encounter with death that took him to heaven and his experience there. In the book it touches on many things but the one thing that I could not shake was the fact that God turned his head when Christ died on the cross.

That of course lead me to do some research online about the meaning of it and to also come up with my own thoughts on the passage. There is so much debate on this subject...way more than I ever thought there would be. Some say he didn't turn his head from Jesus but rather from the sin that put him there while others feel God couldn't bear to watch his son die. No matter the reason, it gave me much comfort knowing that God understands the feelings that I have where the death of my son is concerned. Nothing compares to watching someone died but especially your child. I watched all of the chaos that ensued after the death of George but I was not actually there for his last breath and that just breaks my heart. If he had to go, I wanted to walk him home in that capacity but was not given that opportunity.

I really don't think that God would have turned away from his son but can understand why he would because I know I would give anything to not have those memories myself. The feelings I have about not wanting to have to loose my son for the sake of others is also something that I can understand God having for his own son and turning away due to the sin factor. On both levels I completely understand the whole passage no matter the meaning of it all. It does however make me know that God's understanding of my pain is first hand and I also know how much I would also give up for the eternal life of someone else that I love. The difference however is that God made his choice willingly and mine was forced upon me. I cannot say for sure I would have willingly given up my son knowingly. That very thought tugs at my heart on so many levels. It does however also show me how great God's love is for me.

There was also a passage in the book Heaven is for Real that spoke about how the little boy met his sister that the parents had lost to miscarriage. Often times so many mom's and dad's wonder if their children are really there in heaven and especially those who they never had the chance to meet or hold. For me I always wondered since George was not really baptized until after he died. They address this very fact in the book when this boy mentions this to his family and he didn't know anything at all about the miscarriage but he meets his sister. The father happens to be a pastor and after they told the story to the congregation, a woman comes to him and asks him if the young boy knows if her child she miscarried was in heaven too. He is completely baffled as to how to answer this woman but is given wisdom by the holy spirit and gives her the best response that he can. He basically tells her that he means as much to God as she does and that if God loved his child enough for them to be in heaven than her child must be there too.

This book of course has many skeptics but you have to take from everything in your life and decide for yourself what you believe. I don't think there really are any right or wrong answers. You really have to follow your heart. My heart tells me my son is in heaven and that God loved his own son, Jesus, no matter the case and if he turned his head and it's meaning. All of these things just prove that a parent's love for their child is a unique bond that nothing can ever break, even death. I am sure God was elated after his own personal trials and suffering having watched his own son die. It makes me think of how great the day is going to be when I get to see my son again...it's going to be great and will be worth the wait.