Missing your Child

No pain in this world ever compares to missing your child in heaven. A year and half has gone by and it still hurts as bad now as it did the day he left. It is different of course and rather than consuming your day it comes it waves. These waves come hard and rock your world like nothing else you have ever experienced. Your heart just wells with pain and nothing you can do stops it.

Yesterday was one of those days. All day I could only think of him and missed him so much. Father's Day was just another day here and nothing really like it used to be. We took Hugh to the movies with the boys and went to church in the AM but still there is something that just lacks. It is that pain of knowing there is something missing. I think it finally just all hit me hard yesterday when looking at Gabrielle I thought how much she looked like him and wondered if he would have looked like she does now. It was finally more than I could take when she nestled her head under my chin just like he used to. There was nothing I could do to hold the tears back as I held her cherishing every single second yet also being torn apart inside with pain...so very bitter sweet yet again.

I don't really know how I am suppose to live like this the rest of my life. After talking to many mom's who have said goodbye to their children too, they all feel the very same way. For many of us this is when we have to rely on God to carry us because we would choose ourselves to just lay down and die right there in that moment. No physical pain can ever compare to the pain forever in our hearts. I had to go for testing myself yesterday(we are still trying to find out what is wrong with me) and I was listening to the christian radio station, like always, and it was as if every single song was picked just for me. Yet there were people calling in and saying what was going on in their lives and they too were in very dark places in life and having to rely on faith. That's when you really realize God is one busy man!

I think of my own life and how difficult of a road it has been and how often times I would pray for some sort of mercy. To me that meant an end to the situation but for God I think it was just his love wrapping around me and letting me feel his presence just as he did yesterday. It was that bitter sweet moment where I held my daughter thanking him and cherishing every single second and yet hurting for my son no longer here. I knew God was in the moment just there wrapping his arms around me as tears just fell from my eyes. His grace is the very thing that brought Gabrielle to our family.

We are walking such a hard path right now with so many mixed emotions and there are days I just don't want to even get out of bed. Somehow I do and move on with the day even if it has to be one second at a time. I cannot imagine not having faith and having to walk this path. The other day my dad told my mom he didn't know what he believed and my heart just went out to him. How in the world does he make it day to day? Please keep him in your prayers and that he find God's presence in his life. I can't even begin to think what he went through when George died and now goes through from time to time without any faith because I know how much I rely on mine and so does Hugh.

Today I am asking that you just pray for all those out there who have said goodbye to their children way too soon. Every day is a struggle for them even if they look fine on the outside...they are dying inside. If you know a father especially, know they often times are forgotten in this all and cope differently but still feel that great loss. 1 in 4 people will have to bury their child...every time I hear of someone else loosing their child my heart breaks for them knowing the path they are now on.