Speaks to My Heart

Yesterday Hugh and I went to see a lawyer about the house and bankruptcy. There is still nothing we can do about the house since we don't have enough money to pay the mortgage each month but he can stay the sale that was scheduled for the 12th to give us about 60 more days to get our stuff out. It has been hard to do that since Hugh has had to work so much for the holidays and we are always swamped with things on his days off. We have not been able to get help from other people so it has taken longer than we thought it would but we are down to only one room left so that is a good thing. The lawyer had to ask questions and of course it gets down to how you got this way and once he heard our story, he just wanted to cry. He kept saying to us with each addition of struggles that he could not believe our story and how he was going to get in his car and cry the whole way home! You know that is bad when a bankruptcy lawyer says this to you.

Prior to this Hugh and I were out in the van and I picked up a book that I had intended to read but just had not gotten to and eventually forgot about. It is called Prayers of Comfort, Healing Words of Hope. It is a religious based book talking about all sorts of life struggles. I know that God wanted me to read this because it just spoke to my heart right then and there and even after reliving our story with the lawyer, I still left in a better mood than I went in with. I wanted to share some passages with you that have truly spoken to my heart and I hope you too will be able to take something from this.

What happiness there is for you who weep, for the time will come when you shall laugh with joy! Luke 6:21 TLB

It was so odd to read this because just the other day I sat there with Gabby watching her in a completely new way and finding myself really smiling again. The very thought made me realize how I am learning to smile and laugh again for real and how I had lost this. Even in my darkest despair I have found that I still have these moments and I appreciate them in a way like never before. I got so used to faking it for everyone around me that I had not been able to even realize it when it did happen for real. With that I prayed to God and thanked him for this gift.

My Creator, I know in my heart that these tears will one day give way again to joy, yet for now I know only pain. Help me to find the courage to let these tears flow, to feel the loss and heartbreak, so that I may come out whole and cleansed again. For on the other side of my sorrow I know life waits for me. I want to laugh again.

I am like two halves of a walnut, God. I am of two minds:despairing and hopeful. Help me feel your hand holding me together as I rebuild my life when at first it seemed too hard to even try. In order to get to the meat of a walnut, it must be split into halves. May the brokenness I feel get me to the nourishment-the meat-I need in order to move on. Amen.

This explains it all to the core...so many mixed emotions and knowledge that only God can help you through this.

Father, make me resilient like the sandy beach upon which the waves crash. Make me strong like the mighty willow tree that bends but does not break in the high winds. Give me the patience and wisdom to know that my suffering will one day turn to a greater understanding of your ways, your works, and your wonders.

The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your needs in parched places, and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters never fail. Isaiah 58:11 NRSV

God let this sorrow wash over me like cleansing water. Let it rush over my rough-hewn heart and turn me into a smooth and polished stone glistening in the sun. Amen

When each heartbeat hurts and each breath aches, I pray, God, that you will take some of my blinding pain away. Lift me out of my pain, and give me peace. Amen.

Oh God, I know you will never give us a burden to bear without giving us the grace to endure it, but some burdens just seem so heavy we find ourselves wondering if they can be survived. I ask that you send an abundant amount of strength and grace to all those who suffer so. Let them feel your presence in a very real way, Lord, for without you, they have no hope. I ask this in Jesus' name. Amen.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer. Romans 12:12 NRSV

Heavenly Father, help us examine every passing day in order to find purpose in our lives. We want our time to be worthwhile. Remind us to count all our blessings, big and small. Amen.

God I hold fast to you at this present moment, for it is the only way for me to have perspective and hope for life beyond this pain I have. And yet, come quickly for I am tired. Fill me with your strength for I feel weak. Add meaning to these days of pain, and finally call me to a new day and then I can swerve you with a renewed purpose and passion. Amen.

This short time of distress will result in God's richest blessing upon us forever and ever! So we do not look at what we can see right now, the troubles all around us, but we look forward to the joys in heaven which we have not yet seen. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 TLB

I pray that you can find something here that speaks to your heart as it did mine...it doesn't fix my problems but it helps me to endure them. As I read further I will share more of these passages that speak to my heart. Life for us has been so hard and as of late, I have just been so overwhelmed by it all and the mixed emotions I have on so many levels. As George's Heavenly birthday becomes closer, the pain that I feel for his loss becomes greater, however I have learned to laugh and smile again amidst all of this. I can feel God's calling in my heart to things and now feel the ability to do some of these things even if I don't feel I can do all of them. Lately I have been feeling the calling to have another child but I know that right now it just isn't possible however I do know we are suppose to have one more child...for what reason, I have no idea, I just know we are suppose to. I've told myself that I need to get my body back in shape and I have got to get off of some medications in order to make this happen. I'm determined to start this process so that I can fulfill God's calling in my life for this. People may think I am crazy where this is concerned but truly I tell you that God speaks to my heart and it has never been wrong when I listen to it.

I am posting a picture of the kids I took today. It was a sunny day out but where I was there was no glare at all. Later after looking at the picture for the first time, I found these sunshine hues coming through...it was the oddest thing and then I thought how it must be my little monkey visiting us. I leave you this beautiful picture and will let you see what you think.