Friday, August 27, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tears
Tears have just rolled down my cheeks all day long today. There is no huge significance other than the fact I miss my little boy so bad. My heart breaks for him and although I am logical, there is no logic when dealing with the death of your child. I don't know if it is the hormones from being pregnant or what it really is but there were very few moments in the day that I was not crying or didn't want to cry.
I went to church bible study although I had every intention of not going for fear of loosing it. I made it through but on numerous occasions I had to seriously keep it together, especially while reading. I did however find a need for his clothes. As hard as it is to get rid of them I hate that they are not being used. I didn't just want to sell them or any of that. They had a grater purpose. At the end of September our church has a few people going to Equador to help out down there. As soon as I heard that I knew that was where they were going. They will be used by children in need and I cannot think of a greater purpose to them. I will have to go through them and take out the things that are not clothing but at least the now have a purpose other than sitting in my mother's basement.
I miss George so much and words cannot express the heaviness my heart feels. The very thought of life being this way forever is so very overwhelming. I am so grateful for some new friends I have found in a few mothers who are walking this path too. We know one another's pain and hurt like no one else does. Together we hold one another up through these moments. So many of us have been having a rough time lately, even though who have been without their children for years. I don't know what it is but I am so glad to know I am not alone and can find comfort in others walking this road and also lending that comfort to these wonderful women too. The tears will continue to roll forever down my cheeks because the love I felt for my little monkey just runs so deep and always will. If I didn't cry I would think there is something wrong.
I went to church bible study although I had every intention of not going for fear of loosing it. I made it through but on numerous occasions I had to seriously keep it together, especially while reading. I did however find a need for his clothes. As hard as it is to get rid of them I hate that they are not being used. I didn't just want to sell them or any of that. They had a grater purpose. At the end of September our church has a few people going to Equador to help out down there. As soon as I heard that I knew that was where they were going. They will be used by children in need and I cannot think of a greater purpose to them. I will have to go through them and take out the things that are not clothing but at least the now have a purpose other than sitting in my mother's basement.
I miss George so much and words cannot express the heaviness my heart feels. The very thought of life being this way forever is so very overwhelming. I am so grateful for some new friends I have found in a few mothers who are walking this path too. We know one another's pain and hurt like no one else does. Together we hold one another up through these moments. So many of us have been having a rough time lately, even though who have been without their children for years. I don't know what it is but I am so glad to know I am not alone and can find comfort in others walking this road and also lending that comfort to these wonderful women too. The tears will continue to roll forever down my cheeks because the love I felt for my little monkey just runs so deep and always will. If I didn't cry I would think there is something wrong.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Perceptions Changing
Tonight Hugh and I sat here talking about how George's death has really put in perspective our lives and those who we can count on and those we can't. It was just amazing how things and the way we perceive them have changed. In some ways it is very hard because the realizations causes a deep pain from sheer disappointment and realization of the way we thought things were vs the way they really are. I think in some ways it has lent itself to our anti social ways that have come about since his death. We have come to know those who are completely uncomfortable, those just doing things out of obligation, and then the very few who do understand and truly make an effort to take time out of their lives to try and help us through our difficult situation by a simple gesture or a listening ear.
For so many, after his funeral, it was over for them. Many didn't know him but were rather saddened that he was such a young beautiful little boy and the tragic events that transpired. Several of our "close" family members never even met him in person. After the funeral was over their worlds went back to norm and ours just stood still and still does to this day. There have been people who have used our son's death as an excuse to benefit them in some manner and never has there been anything more hurtful than to find out accidentally that this little boy , our beautiful son, was someone else's scape goat way out of a situation.
I sat here thinking about his service and the faces that stared back at me as I said his eulogy. Thinking back I can tell who was there because they truly cared vs some sort of obligation because of family or old friendship. Sadly Hugh and I realized that the number is very few. It isn't that they were not sad or touched by his passing but we both realized that not everyone is like we are. At least a quarter of the people there were co-workers of my sisters. Hugh and I have always been the ones in our lives that didn't exactly fit in but had a heart of gold and would do anything to gain acceptance and love. Not everyone will drop things in their lives for others the way we do or would do and that is very hard emotionally to handle in a situation like this.
A lot of this has come about because we have been talking about God parents for Gabrielle. We have truly been racking our brains for people that we trust with our child's faith because we take it so seriously and personally. We always wanted them all to have different God parents and not ones from a couple. Religious denomination has no bearing but rather a strong faith of some sort that our child can go to when they question faith or have questions/need guidance. After much thought, we are seriously considering forgoing the thing all together and just having her baptized without God parents. I hate to have superficial people who will not be part of their lives as God parents, it is to important of a roll, it is our child's basis for eternal life. We know we can give them the foundation but should anything ever happen to us we really want people in their lives who will guide them in their faith.
I always find it interesting how when tragedy strikes you learn these life lessons sometimes the hard way. That isn't to say that there are not people who do step up. We both have had at least one person in our lives that has truly made some effort to find a way to be there and help us in some way even after the funeral. We are fording new relationships with these people but it is hard to let go of the old relationships that we thought we had. I keep telling myself that it is only when we have expectations in a relationship does that relationship fail. Sometimes people are just not capable of what we thought or even what we need so we must seek it out elsewhere. No one really understands how hard that truly is to do because that itself is another sort of loss and grief piled on top of the heartache and grief over the loss of our son.
Somehow our society has made hard subjects the job of a therapist rather than family and friends. In many ways I think that is why so many are not equip to handle these situations when they do happen and why those who it happens to feel so very alone/judged. Churches are now taking a back seat to therapy/counsel and don't really have the same sort of minister relationships like they used to. I am so glad that Hugh and I have one another and our faith and that we are the understanding people that we are. We try not to let it change us but there is no way we cannot let that happen.
In some ways it is sad that we have decided to no longer make the efforts in relationships that we used to but we just no longer have the energy to do what we used to do. Those relationships that survive are the true ones and all the others were just not meant to be and had their purpose in our lives but no longer do. I think we have learned what is important and that is our family, Hugh and I and the boys. We used to take time from that and drop things at a moments notice for others who we have come to find out wouldn't do the same for us. There is nothing wrong with that but we just have learned to refocus our efforts and energy.
The loss of a child is very unique in so many ways. Parents who have lost a child all say that they feel more support and comfort from other parents who have lost children. I have found that to be true but also to not necessarily be true since my personal experience was not a positive one with the parents I know who have lost children. I've had a mixed batch but have found that even if they are not sportive, they do know your pain and have had the same feelings. Somehow it is like you got cooties, everyone thinks you are contagious, and you have to go to the doctor in order to get it fixed but in fact there is truly no cure! We have become the kids in the school yard!
For so many, after his funeral, it was over for them. Many didn't know him but were rather saddened that he was such a young beautiful little boy and the tragic events that transpired. Several of our "close" family members never even met him in person. After the funeral was over their worlds went back to norm and ours just stood still and still does to this day. There have been people who have used our son's death as an excuse to benefit them in some manner and never has there been anything more hurtful than to find out accidentally that this little boy , our beautiful son, was someone else's scape goat way out of a situation.
I sat here thinking about his service and the faces that stared back at me as I said his eulogy. Thinking back I can tell who was there because they truly cared vs some sort of obligation because of family or old friendship. Sadly Hugh and I realized that the number is very few. It isn't that they were not sad or touched by his passing but we both realized that not everyone is like we are. At least a quarter of the people there were co-workers of my sisters. Hugh and I have always been the ones in our lives that didn't exactly fit in but had a heart of gold and would do anything to gain acceptance and love. Not everyone will drop things in their lives for others the way we do or would do and that is very hard emotionally to handle in a situation like this.
A lot of this has come about because we have been talking about God parents for Gabrielle. We have truly been racking our brains for people that we trust with our child's faith because we take it so seriously and personally. We always wanted them all to have different God parents and not ones from a couple. Religious denomination has no bearing but rather a strong faith of some sort that our child can go to when they question faith or have questions/need guidance. After much thought, we are seriously considering forgoing the thing all together and just having her baptized without God parents. I hate to have superficial people who will not be part of their lives as God parents, it is to important of a roll, it is our child's basis for eternal life. We know we can give them the foundation but should anything ever happen to us we really want people in their lives who will guide them in their faith.
I always find it interesting how when tragedy strikes you learn these life lessons sometimes the hard way. That isn't to say that there are not people who do step up. We both have had at least one person in our lives that has truly made some effort to find a way to be there and help us in some way even after the funeral. We are fording new relationships with these people but it is hard to let go of the old relationships that we thought we had. I keep telling myself that it is only when we have expectations in a relationship does that relationship fail. Sometimes people are just not capable of what we thought or even what we need so we must seek it out elsewhere. No one really understands how hard that truly is to do because that itself is another sort of loss and grief piled on top of the heartache and grief over the loss of our son.
Somehow our society has made hard subjects the job of a therapist rather than family and friends. In many ways I think that is why so many are not equip to handle these situations when they do happen and why those who it happens to feel so very alone/judged. Churches are now taking a back seat to therapy/counsel and don't really have the same sort of minister relationships like they used to. I am so glad that Hugh and I have one another and our faith and that we are the understanding people that we are. We try not to let it change us but there is no way we cannot let that happen.
In some ways it is sad that we have decided to no longer make the efforts in relationships that we used to but we just no longer have the energy to do what we used to do. Those relationships that survive are the true ones and all the others were just not meant to be and had their purpose in our lives but no longer do. I think we have learned what is important and that is our family, Hugh and I and the boys. We used to take time from that and drop things at a moments notice for others who we have come to find out wouldn't do the same for us. There is nothing wrong with that but we just have learned to refocus our efforts and energy.
The loss of a child is very unique in so many ways. Parents who have lost a child all say that they feel more support and comfort from other parents who have lost children. I have found that to be true but also to not necessarily be true since my personal experience was not a positive one with the parents I know who have lost children. I've had a mixed batch but have found that even if they are not sportive, they do know your pain and have had the same feelings. Somehow it is like you got cooties, everyone thinks you are contagious, and you have to go to the doctor in order to get it fixed but in fact there is truly no cure! We have become the kids in the school yard!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Living Every Day
Every single day I miss my little monkey and it saddens me to know our lives will just never be the same ever again. There will forever be this sadness in our hearts. Last night I was sitting next to Hugh and turned my head to realize he was looking at pictures of George and had tears streaming down his face. Every time I think I have it hard, I know he has it so much more difficult with very few friends and family that call or support him the way he needs to be. I tend to actually find our situation of sheer loneliness more the norm rather than the other way around. It definitely explained why many people divorce after the death of a child. Thankfully for Hugh and I it has been the opposite and has brought us closer than ever before. I sat there with him, both of our hearts breaking for the son we lost and the life we now lead.
Yesterday he finished the flooring in the baby's room. It has been so very difficult for both Hugh and I to work on Gabrielle's room. There are just so many unexplainable mixed emotions. Part of you is excited and thankful for the wonderful gift of life and yet sad for the loss of life too. As he worked on the floor, I worked on refinishing the furniture. We had wanted to just get new baby furniture since it is so hard emotionally to use George's things. With the two of us both not working and my unemployment in an appeal stage, there just is no way we can afford it. That has led me to trying to find a creative way to try and make it possible for us to use his things.
We have bought a new crib since there is absolutely no way in the world we could ever use his crib again. We are still saving money for a mattress that is not toxic since they are quite expensive but after what I now know there is no way I will put this baby on another mattress that isn't. There was a dresser that we took from the boys rooms to use but it is too tall to use as a changing table too, so we are left finding ourselves using the table. That is hard for Hugh since he has a lot of memories with the little monkey on there. For me it is the rocking chair. I used to rock him and sing to him in the chair and more than with the other kids. The other boys were just not into cuddling with mommy much when they were little like George was...they were all daddy boys. I think so often of the times I would sit in that chair with him trying to get him to sleep and thinking he was but only to find as I looked at him, he was just laying there wide awake and calm and peaceful resting on my chest as I sang to him.
The hard part is that although they were George's, they were also Michael's. He of course doesn't know that but it is so hard to try and find some sort of middle ground. Every single part of me was aching as I sat their painting and redoing my boys furniture. I took a break and went with the boys to my mom's since they were making it more difficult for Hugh to finish the floor. She asked me about it and if it was hard and I said yes and couldn't talk or think about it without tears welling up in my eyes. To think that something so simple can be so hard amazes me.
On another note, we have been working on the Comfort Zone fundraiser. Tickets are finally put together for the brunch. If you are interested please email us or check out the web page for more details www.komfortforkidzcampaign.blogspot.com We are in need of raffle items and covered dishes along with forms of entertainment that are kid based. There are some wonderful people, including the officer who responded to our house, trying to help us make this such a wonderful family event. We really want it to be a great event and a way to celebrate his first birthday here on Earth without him but honoring his memory and keeping his spirit alive.
We did also have a good moment last night. For the first time Hugh was able to feel the baby move. It was quite exciting for both of us since in so many ways it has not seemed real. You can't miss the baby belly but it has been just a very surreal experience to this point. It has been very different for many reasons. We know George is in heaven watching down over all of us. On so many occasions we have felt his presence or seen symbols of his presence in our lives and dreams. I pray to God every day for our strength and his guidance in our lives. Some days are better than others and some moments are the same way. This is the longest most exhausting path in life to be walking.
Yesterday he finished the flooring in the baby's room. It has been so very difficult for both Hugh and I to work on Gabrielle's room. There are just so many unexplainable mixed emotions. Part of you is excited and thankful for the wonderful gift of life and yet sad for the loss of life too. As he worked on the floor, I worked on refinishing the furniture. We had wanted to just get new baby furniture since it is so hard emotionally to use George's things. With the two of us both not working and my unemployment in an appeal stage, there just is no way we can afford it. That has led me to trying to find a creative way to try and make it possible for us to use his things.
We have bought a new crib since there is absolutely no way in the world we could ever use his crib again. We are still saving money for a mattress that is not toxic since they are quite expensive but after what I now know there is no way I will put this baby on another mattress that isn't. There was a dresser that we took from the boys rooms to use but it is too tall to use as a changing table too, so we are left finding ourselves using the table. That is hard for Hugh since he has a lot of memories with the little monkey on there. For me it is the rocking chair. I used to rock him and sing to him in the chair and more than with the other kids. The other boys were just not into cuddling with mommy much when they were little like George was...they were all daddy boys. I think so often of the times I would sit in that chair with him trying to get him to sleep and thinking he was but only to find as I looked at him, he was just laying there wide awake and calm and peaceful resting on my chest as I sang to him.
The hard part is that although they were George's, they were also Michael's. He of course doesn't know that but it is so hard to try and find some sort of middle ground. Every single part of me was aching as I sat their painting and redoing my boys furniture. I took a break and went with the boys to my mom's since they were making it more difficult for Hugh to finish the floor. She asked me about it and if it was hard and I said yes and couldn't talk or think about it without tears welling up in my eyes. To think that something so simple can be so hard amazes me.
On another note, we have been working on the Comfort Zone fundraiser. Tickets are finally put together for the brunch. If you are interested please email us or check out the web page for more details www.komfortforkidzcampaign.blogspot.com We are in need of raffle items and covered dishes along with forms of entertainment that are kid based. There are some wonderful people, including the officer who responded to our house, trying to help us make this such a wonderful family event. We really want it to be a great event and a way to celebrate his first birthday here on Earth without him but honoring his memory and keeping his spirit alive.
We did also have a good moment last night. For the first time Hugh was able to feel the baby move. It was quite exciting for both of us since in so many ways it has not seemed real. You can't miss the baby belly but it has been just a very surreal experience to this point. It has been very different for many reasons. We know George is in heaven watching down over all of us. On so many occasions we have felt his presence or seen symbols of his presence in our lives and dreams. I pray to God every day for our strength and his guidance in our lives. Some days are better than others and some moments are the same way. This is the longest most exhausting path in life to be walking.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Footprints
"These are my footprints,so perfect and so small.These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all.Not one tiny footprint,for now I have wings.These tiny footprints were meant for other things.You will hear my tiny footprints,in the patter of the rain.Gentle drops like angel's tears,of joy and not from pain.You will see my tiny footprints,in each butterflies' lazy dance.I'll let you know I'm with you,if you just give me the chance.You will see my tiny footprints,in the rustle of the leaves.I will whisper names into the wind,and call each one that grieves.Most of all, these tiny footprints,are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.'Cause even though I'm gone now,We'll never truly part."
This was posted by another angel's mommy. It was just so beautiful and touched my heart. Missing my little boy so much! Life will never be the same and part of me will forever be missing until I see him again in God's kingdom.
This was posted by another angel's mommy. It was just so beautiful and touched my heart. Missing my little boy so much! Life will never be the same and part of me will forever be missing until I see him again in God's kingdom.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle
