In Loving Memory of my Nephew Gavin

Two years ago today, my sister had to say goodbye to her son Gavin at almost 12 weeks gestation. I will never forget the day I was blessed to lay eyes on that sweet little boy with his heart blinking on the screen. To this day I will never forget it and what my sister had to go through after finding out that he had a rare disorder, Pentology of Cantrel. My heart broke for her and her family the day we all found out the news.

I thank God for that little boy every single day, because I believe he was sent here to help us through George's death. He gave my whole family a brief taste of what was about to happen so that when George died I was not alone in my grief and it didn't hit as hard as it could have. Gavin gave my sister a deeper understanding of my loss than anyone else has. We have become very close through our losses. I know often times she feels as if her loss has no comparison to mine but I believe that it is just as bad and I feel that both of our boys lives were as important as the others. Gavin was my saving grace and I find some peace and solace knowing that George is not alone in heaven and gets to have a relationship like my sister and I both have.

I like to think that our boys are waiting for us to return to heaven...it will be so glorious!!! We have two little monkeys waiting for us and I am so glad they have one another while they wait. Please keep my sister and her family in your prayers today.




"Dearest Mommy..."

Dearest Mommy,
When you wonder the meaning of life and love
Know that I am with you.
Close your eyes and feel me kissing you
in the gentle breeze on your cheek.

When you begin to doubt that you shall ever see me again
Quiet your mind and hear me,
I am in the whisper of the heavens
Speaking of your love.

When you lose your identity,
When you question who you are and where you are going
Open your heart and see me.
I am the twinkle in the stars smiling down upon you
Lighting the path for your journey.

When you awaken each morming
Not remembering your dreams
But feeling content and serene
Know that I was with you-
Filling your nights with thoughts of me.

When you linger in the remnant pain,
Wholeness seeming unfamiliar,
Think of me and
Know that I am with you.
Touching you through the shared tears of a gentle friend,
Easing the pain.

As the sunrise illuminates the desert sky
In the breathtaking glory, awaken your spirit.
Think of our time, all too brief, but ever brilliant,
When you were certain of us, together
When you were certain of your destiny.

Know that God created that moment in time,
Just for us
Dearest Mommy, I am with you always

Awareness Graphic

Pictures From Our Trip

We Are Back

We are finally back from Florida. It was a good trip with lots of new family made memories...things I cherish the most. For some reason this time around felt like we were all a little off. I don't know what it was but I know I was not the only one who felt that way either. All things considered the kids did really well. Joshua however was kind of an emotional mess the whole time. He saw a police car on the way in and it triggered his memories from the day that George died. All I can say is that I don't know what is more torturous, to live through that hell or to watch your living children having to relive that hell when they have no understanding of any of it. My heart never felt so heavy than the night we got there and I had to hold him and just watch him sob his little heart out, knowing that pain all to well but also knowing there was nothing I could do to make it better.

That incident kind of set the tone for the rest of the vacation without the intention of doing so. We all felt George's presence but it also made us miss him so much more. There was however a little light that shone through it all when one of the Disney employees listened to our stories and took it to heart. The man had walked over to talk to Gabby, she is such a beautiful little girl and a magnet for so many people, while we were waiting for the parade. It had poured and we all just stayed there and I have to say I actually danced in the rain with my own rainbow in my arms...some sort of irony in that. Anyway, he asked us if it was our first time and of course it got turned to our very first time with George and how this was Gabby's first time here and a way for us to share her brother with her. It took everything for him to not bust out in tears hearing our family story. With that he tells us he will be right back and goes off, to come back and tell us to wait for him after the parade. We do that and he takes us up to one of the stores on Main Street and we wait. He comes out with a voucher for a free Minnie Mouse for Gabby. He told us he wanted this to just as special and he wanted her to have a magical visit. Never was I ever so touched in my life. We went in the store and picked one out and took a picture with the gentleman. My heart was truly touched deep within the pain knowing how he went out of his way to try and make this special for our little girl who will never know her big brother.

Hugh and I both decided we were not taking our computers. We really wanted to focus on the kids and our family. It was probably the best thing we ever did. I played with the kids like I have not done since George died and in a way they got part of their mom back, even if it was for a short amount of time. I really tried my hardest to make it special for them all, knowing how hard this past year has been on all of us. We had wanted to take each boy out by themselves but we just didn't have the time or money to really do that. In the end we spent time swimming and playing ping pong which they had no problem with and they totally ate it up, every second of it. We only went to the parks twice since it was so hot and way to much on the boys, even those two days were hard. It is always so hard to walk that line of letting them be normal kids and then also knowing they aren't and do have to be careful. They didn't have a problem with that either, they love just spending time with all our family that goes and this year a friend of mine went with us too.

Not having my PC allowed me a lot of time to think and really soul search. As I stood there watching the rest of my family, I realized how selfish in some ways I have been. I know they hurt for my son too and even though they don't hurt like I do, I somehow just forgot that they were in pain too. They ache for not only him but also for me and our family who now has to live without him every day. I thought back to the days that my older sister was there for us and drove us to and from the funeral home and how she was the first one there after George was pronounced dead. She was so put together and strong, just the way I always saw her growing up...I forgot that there was a different side to her. On this trip I saw that part of her as she played with Gabrielle and held her and rocked her as she slept. This made me realize how she must hurt and I never took the time to even recognize that. My brother Anthony hurts every single day, he was there and witnessed me doing CPR and all the chaos of that morning. I know that day haunts him and has also changed him in a different way. Then there is my sister Tara, who understands me better than anyone else especially after her own loss. I know she cries every day for me and my son and family. She is more open about it all with me but also doesn't want to say or do something that will hurt me.

My parents are a whole other ball game. They have to now live with us and see first hand how hard it truly is for us to go through this. I have tried to kind of keep it to myself as much as possible but when you live with people it is hard to really do that on a consistent basis...especially when you are facing those big days like we just did with his birthday. This second year has just been so much harder than the first and I am thankful to know I am not alone in that thought, a lot of other parents have said the same thing. I've watched how us moving in here has really changed both of my parents in some way. My dad especially has really changed since George's death. He plays with the kids and takes time with them that he just didn't do with us growing up. He rocks Gabby to sleep and when no one is looking, so he thinks, he will get on the floor and play with her in ways I have never seen him before. I think back to the day Joshua just busted out in tears saying he missed George and my dad had to wipe tears from his own eyes as he watched Joshua fall to pieces. I know deep inside he hurts so bad and before all of this, I really couldn't look past my own pain and that of Hugh and the kids. In all of this I knew they hurt but didn't really know how much and I really feel bad about that even though I know they understand.

This road is not one anyone else in our family has ever really had to walk so it is all new to us all. You don't know what is right or wrong and you are basically walking it blind. There are times where you just can't think of anyone else because you can barely get through the day yourself, not to mention to be there for just the kids and your husband. Life as you knew it is gone and you are forced to figure it all out on your own and pray that people understand and have to give yourself slack for those who don't. It is so much easier to sit outside of the situation and say that someone should do something else or that they went about it all wrong but living it is a whole other ball game. I'm so thankful that my family does understand and is still there for me and my family even when we are not in the best of shape and even forget that they are there and have their own issues. Talking to other parents, I know this is actually the norm but so often they just loose their family and friends all together because of that and I just don't want that to be the case with us. I have already lost my son I don't want it to ever get to the point that I have no one. Being who I am, I also have to apologize in some capacity for the unintentional pain that I may have caused by not recognizing things beyond my own house.

All that said I thank God every day for my family and the many blessings he has given us. Even in my darkest hour, I have never forgotten that God is with me and that I am blessed. There are times of dispare that come in the waves of emotion that make it hard to recognize this but in my heart I know better. None of this is easy and there are going to be good days and bad and I am slowly learning to give myself slack and know it is ok to fall apart when I miss George and yet be happy without feeling guilty or that part of me is missing. There is such a fine line in all of this that words can't even begin to explain but I have to find solace in the fact that I have never intentionally hurt anyone and if people can't ever see that then there is nothing I can do and I don't have to answer to them some day, I have to answer to God and I know he knows my heart better than even I do. I pray as the next few weeks pass and we all get back into the swing of school and those mundane things life requires of us to do, that I keep growing through all of this and keep learning from all of this. In the end it is the only way I know to honor my son and his memory...I need to learn from it all and become a better person. When I get to heaven some day I want him to be able to stand there proudly and say "This is my mommy!"

I Miss

I miss your face.
I miss your smile.
I miss your laugh.
I miss the way you lit up when I walked in the room.
I miss seeing you in your "hopper!"
I miss holding you.
I miss rocking you.
I miss singing to you.
I miss watching you sleep.
I miss hearing your heart beat.
I miss being able to mother you.
I miss you with all my heart sweet little monkey!

Climbing out of my Hole of Despare

I know I posted last about being in a funk but I have to say it was more like a big black hole of despair. It is a very dark place that I have never visited in my entire life. Every fiber of my being just didn't even want to exist. The pain my heart felt consumed me down to the cells in my body. Never could I ever think that loosing a child would ever be this painful or that I could ever feel this way.

I could not wish this on my worst enemy but I do often times wish that others have a better understanding so they would understand when you can't get out of bed that it isn't that you don't want to it is just that you can't. You really do need these moments because if they came at you all at once you really would go crazy. During these time periods you do feel like you are loosing your mind and that just one more thing will send you off the deep end. You can't be anything to anyone and you have to just focus on yourself and the deep pain within your heart of you feel like you will explode.

Last night for the first time Hugh and I attended a compassionate friends meeting that another mom I met online goes to. They had a guest speaker and she was a grief counselor that specified in trauma and after talking to her, I finally realized I wasn't crazy, it was everyone else out there who just didn't understand. I told her how this second year seems so much worse than the first and she told me I was right and it is usually the second and third when you need people the most yet no one is there so you are fending for yourself in the dark woods. Shock has worn off and you are left with no support or very little and people who are just tired of hearing about what has now become your new normal.

I just felt so relieved that I was not crazy and this insane intense pain I feel is all "normal" The moments where all I can do is cry and my chest hurts so bad from the deep sobs that eventually lead to my sleep. The nights where I can't sleep no matter how hard I try and then being exhausted during the day. People thinking that you need to get off the medication cause it is making you worse and ironically they are the same one who wanted you on it to begin with! I've come to realize that medication is not as bad as they all say and is a tool to help you put things in perspective and still be able to function enough to be that mother, wife, friend, ect that you still need to be. It doesn't take the pain away but it makes it bearable but there are times it just doesn't do anything because that pain is so bad.

I have to cry I have to let it out in some capacity. My son is dead my baby is gone and it is now all to real and every time I look at his picture I now realize he wasn't a dream and I am living this hell and he is dead reduced to ashes in an urn on the mantle. What parent wants that? Think about how you would feel if it was you. It isn't for you but it has now become my reality and something I am learning to accept in small increments because it just isn't possible to do all at once. I really believe that God helps us by doing it a little at a time. Every time I am in one of these moments, no one else can help, and yet I hear God calling out to me and rubbing my head as I lay it in his lap and just sob my heart out over the death of my sweet baby boy. I really do feel he knows I need him because people on Earth don't know what to do or are just not comfortable doing so.

I need people to be here for me with out me having to ask because I am not the person to ask. Sometimes I don't even realize I am in need because I am so used to giving. When others are in despare I always make it part of who I am to try and reach out even if it is through a letter, meal, gift, or something else. The walk through this process has taught me that I am a minority and it does hurt to know that others don't do the same for me when I need it but I am learning that even when others fail me, God never does. I have to accept this more and more as time goes on and others are less affected by George's death but it is still as if it happened yesterday for me. These are overwhelming thoughts but I know that with God at my side and my faith in Jesus that I will weather any storm even if it is alone. I guess that is why I have always loved the poem Footprints in the Sand. Years ago as a kid I fell in love with it and never realized how much it would play a part in my life!

Been in a Funk

Well, George's birthday has come and gone and it did not go at all like I had hoped. I was hoping that people would help us to move some of his plants from his memorial garden but no one showed up. Hugh was not suppose to work but went in and was suppose to only be there until 9am but that didn't happen either. As the day went on I got more and more depressed as it seemed as if nothing was going the way I had hoped. I had a few people honor my wish to do something nice in his memory and a few did email me which at least made the stabbing heart pain less difficult to bear. I have a feeling as each year goes by less and less people will really care. Last year we had more support. This year Hugh and I went and got a massage at least and stopped on the way home to get a cake for him. By that point I was so dis pared it didn't mean as much as I had hoped it would.

The last few days have been spent on me trying to get myself out of this funk. I feel like I am digging myself out of this hole and someone is digging in and throwing the dirt in on my head and I can't keep up. I had hoped that at least a few of our family members would have come but it was just the kids, us, and my parents. It was so very hard for me. Saturday was my niece's birthday party and I made it through but left early because Joshua wanted to go home and it was very hot in her house. The emotions of the whole week were so overwhelming that I just cried the entire way home. The pain in my heart just finally gave into the wall that I was trying to keep up but I could no longer deal with it. No amount of medication or anything could fix that my son is dead. I want him back and I am just angry that this has to be my life. I'm not mad at anyone in particular but I am just mad at all i have had to go through.

There are people who like to try and tell me to think of it in a brighter situation but their children aren't dead and they have no real clue that there is no good side. So often I have to sit and listen to lectures from other who think they are helping and you know they mean well but it makes your dispair turn into annoyance and it makes you more upset. this whole thing is so emotionally draining and I have found myself in bed at 7pm and still needing to sleep during the day. I get short with people and I just don't have it in me to socialize because I am sick of the happy face having to be plastered on my face.

I have decided that I am going to attend a group tonight with another mom I have met for parents who have lost children. Right now I need to be surrounded by people who understand. People who get the fact that I barely have it in me to get up in the morning. They understand that you want to be in that deep dark hole with your child not here having to live this hell. yes you know you are blessed to have other children and you don't need to be reminded of it all the time because if anyone knows this it is me. It is hard for me right now to be a mother, wife, daughter, sister, and all the other stuff everyone has always expected of me. I try my hardest but inside know that I am struggling to hold it together. These are the moments I am crying out to Jesus to help me because I don't want to do this anymore, I want a break from the pain.

I am headed to Florida this coming week to Disney. I am really hoping that this helps. My aunt that "gets me" is down there. I yearn for one of her hugs and the general understanding that she has for the person I am. Never does she tell me to look at the bright side, she tells me to yell and scream and do whatever it is that I need to do and she listens rather than lectures and that is such an unbelievable gift. My life feels as if it is standing still some days while everyone else is living. I'm living in hell and they hare going about their lives blissfully unaware of the pain in my heart. Please pray for me as I pray for God's presence and help through this difficult time and try to lean on him rather than humans who ultimately let us down on many levels.